It really is just coincidence that I've been too depressed to function this week.November 8th, 2011 is a new day on it's own. Nothing bad has happened in it, so I don't fear or dread it.
It's the tiny, everyday things that get to me.
Like when I'm at home and not expecting a knock at the door. It's always the mailman or a neighbor returning a runaway kitten. But I jump a little every time, because just ONE knock turned into the worst news of my life.
And I get a little jealous every weekend when my friends get to go home. "But you live so far away!" you say. "You couldn't go home if even if you HAD a home!" What you don't know is, had I never lost the only family member who unconditionally supported me... (aside from 5 months when I was technically homeless, but that wasn't her idea and I've forgiven her for it.) ...I never would have came to Tennessee in the first place.
There were other places to stay. But I had no more room of my own, no more kitchen stocked with edible food and friendly cats, no more trips on Black Friday and Easter and the day before school started. No one to call when I got an A on a test (or a C or lower), and no one to cry with me when I felt lonely...And suddenly, there was nothing keeping me at home anymore, because the parts of my life I had loved were all gone.
I am not grateful for what happened. I hate it.
But I was forced to grow up when I didn't want to.
Now I do believe I am more independent.
I believe my social skills have improved because I needed to find a whole new support system on my own.
Good things have happened in the last year (though definitely sprinkled amongst a whole lot of bad.)
I wish she could have seen the kittens grow up. Tweek was her favorite.
She'd be cooing all over the pictures of Callie and Moo.
She would have loved my many tree pictures, and she would have been jealous to hear that I got hot walking around town in November.
I wish more than anything that she could meet my friends...everyone I've met in the last year, who came into my life and stayed there.
Brianna & Shawn & Ben & Margaret & Sam & Devin & everyone at the BCM and Kyle. She would have sympathized, because she knew how hard it is for me to say goodbye to -anyone- whether I've known them for years or months or just a little while.
I'm sad because she's not here, but I'm not mad at her. I never was.
She wouldn't have left me if she had any other choice.
My life is never going to be the same as those other people who still have two parents.
But I am determined to make it full and exciting and awesome...someday.
just in case she's watching.
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
you know my name, not my story.
(Today, I was planning on writing about food -- "yankee" restaurants in particular, but I've noticed SO. MANY. Cookevillians are reading my blog, so I decided to write something so you all could get to know me a little better.)
By now, I'm sure everyone I've talked to in Cookeville knows why I applied to TTU. I get really tired of explaining sometimes. But as those people should already know, I didn't start out here. I've lived the college life for the better part of 2 years, in 2 other schools I'll talk about today.
After I graduated high school, and had a fail of an experience at Eastern Kentucky University (long story short, I went there for a guy who left, and my financial aid didn't go through, and I found out it was a wild party school who placed way too large of a priority on greek life), my dad kicked me out of the house. Fast forward 6 months later, I was living on my own and planning on moving back to Kentucky to try again. This time, I was accepted at University of the Cumberlands in Williamsburg, where I got a pretty good scholarship. The only bit of Williamsburg that I knew, I had seen on vacation. Living there was an entirely different experience.
I knew I wasn't ready to be thrown into a world of frat parties, drugs, and one-night stands, so I made sure to apply at a school that banned those things. However, I wasn't ready for the rules that smothered me under the basis of religion. The turning point, where I realized "I don't like this lifestyle," is when I had gone to Walmart to buy decorations from my dorm room -- including some heavy things, like a TV and microwave. My guy friend who drove me to the store offered to help me carry my bags and boxes to my room, but he wasn't allowed to because it wasn't visiting hours. None of the FEMALE RA's helped me. I had to carry everything by myself, because letting a guy into a girl's dorm was somehow "offensive"...if it was before 7 PM.
Eventually I caved under the pressure of culture shock, homesickness, and the incredibly stupid no-male-visitors rule, and did something really bad that got me temporarily kicked out of school. (I will explain this later once I feel like I can trust my readers.) Since I was forced off-campus, I had to move into the first apartment I could find, and my money all had to go to rent/heat, rather than taking care of myself. I lived a disgusting life in Williamsburg second semester (when I was allowed back at school). I sprayed my clothes with febreze and washed them in the bathtub because I couldn't afford to go to the laundromat. Some days, I skipped meals (eating once a day was my norm), and sometimes I survived on ramen for almost a month at a time. There was just no money left over for anything else...and without a meal plan, I was dependent on what other people gave me.
I couldn't live that lifestyle anymore, so after my first year in Kentucky, I went home. I stayed with my mom for the summer, and enrolled in a community college 2 hours from my hometown. I wasn't particularly fond of my new apartment, but it was in good shape. My mom bought my food, and helped me out with rent. I was still poor, but I was clean and well-fed. And I loved the city. I still miss it a little. I miss the independence of the bus system, and my bike, before it got stolen. It was a neutral life. Not awesome, but not nearly as bad as it was. I began to enjoy myself.
Then my mom died suddenly in November (a week before my 21st birthday). And there was no reason to be close to her house anymore. I didn't have a "home" to go back to, and I was on my own again. The cold Minnesota winters didn't contribute any to my crumbling sanity...I was incredibly lonely... Kristi + family were great to me, inviting me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but there was nowhere I felt I could go just to visit. Mike had tried to convince me to move closer to where his mother lived, but I knew I couldn't handle living in Kentucky again. I had no desire to ever attend another religious college, and I wasn't interested in any of Kentucky's state schools.
And then we went to Nashville...and my perspective changed. Now that there was nothing to keep me at "home," the hope of something better in Tennessee (as in, cheap food, affordable apartments, and GREEN GRASS in MARCH!) motivated me to move again. And here I am. Home. :)
By now, I'm sure everyone I've talked to in Cookeville knows why I applied to TTU. I get really tired of explaining sometimes. But as those people should already know, I didn't start out here. I've lived the college life for the better part of 2 years, in 2 other schools I'll talk about today.
After I graduated high school, and had a fail of an experience at Eastern Kentucky University (long story short, I went there for a guy who left, and my financial aid didn't go through, and I found out it was a wild party school who placed way too large of a priority on greek life), my dad kicked me out of the house. Fast forward 6 months later, I was living on my own and planning on moving back to Kentucky to try again. This time, I was accepted at University of the Cumberlands in Williamsburg, where I got a pretty good scholarship. The only bit of Williamsburg that I knew, I had seen on vacation. Living there was an entirely different experience.
I knew I wasn't ready to be thrown into a world of frat parties, drugs, and one-night stands, so I made sure to apply at a school that banned those things. However, I wasn't ready for the rules that smothered me under the basis of religion. The turning point, where I realized "I don't like this lifestyle," is when I had gone to Walmart to buy decorations from my dorm room -- including some heavy things, like a TV and microwave. My guy friend who drove me to the store offered to help me carry my bags and boxes to my room, but he wasn't allowed to because it wasn't visiting hours. None of the FEMALE RA's helped me. I had to carry everything by myself, because letting a guy into a girl's dorm was somehow "offensive"...if it was before 7 PM.
Eventually I caved under the pressure of culture shock, homesickness, and the incredibly stupid no-male-visitors rule, and did something really bad that got me temporarily kicked out of school. (I will explain this later once I feel like I can trust my readers.) Since I was forced off-campus, I had to move into the first apartment I could find, and my money all had to go to rent/heat, rather than taking care of myself. I lived a disgusting life in Williamsburg second semester (when I was allowed back at school). I sprayed my clothes with febreze and washed them in the bathtub because I couldn't afford to go to the laundromat. Some days, I skipped meals (eating once a day was my norm), and sometimes I survived on ramen for almost a month at a time. There was just no money left over for anything else...and without a meal plan, I was dependent on what other people gave me.
I couldn't live that lifestyle anymore, so after my first year in Kentucky, I went home. I stayed with my mom for the summer, and enrolled in a community college 2 hours from my hometown. I wasn't particularly fond of my new apartment, but it was in good shape. My mom bought my food, and helped me out with rent. I was still poor, but I was clean and well-fed. And I loved the city. I still miss it a little. I miss the independence of the bus system, and my bike, before it got stolen. It was a neutral life. Not awesome, but not nearly as bad as it was. I began to enjoy myself.
Then my mom died suddenly in November (a week before my 21st birthday). And there was no reason to be close to her house anymore. I didn't have a "home" to go back to, and I was on my own again. The cold Minnesota winters didn't contribute any to my crumbling sanity...I was incredibly lonely... Kristi + family were great to me, inviting me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but there was nowhere I felt I could go just to visit. Mike had tried to convince me to move closer to where his mother lived, but I knew I couldn't handle living in Kentucky again. I had no desire to ever attend another religious college, and I wasn't interested in any of Kentucky's state schools.
And then we went to Nashville...and my perspective changed. Now that there was nothing to keep me at "home," the hope of something better in Tennessee (as in, cheap food, affordable apartments, and GREEN GRASS in MARCH!) motivated me to move again. And here I am. Home. :)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
The hard part of planning.
Things we still need:
Living Room Couch
Living Room Chair?
Coffee Table
Bookshelf
Lamps
Kitchen Table
Kitchen Chairs
Microwave
Cookware (pots, mostly)
Bunk Bed
Desk
Storage
Vacuum Cleaner
Rolling hamper (to walk clothes to the laundromat)
Bike (only mode of free transportation)
1 Greyhound bus ticket (TO GET THERE!)
The only room I have finished shopping for is the bathroom. We'll probably still need a few more washcloths and towels, but I figure by the time I move in, it will be July and beach towels will be on sale.
I'm almost done with the kitchen as well. We have enough bowls, plates, etc, and I'm getting a lot of cooking supplies from my mom's house. I still can't take anything too big or heavy to put in a suitcase.
Nor can I afford to ship most of the items I already have. All of the "big things" have to be bought new IN Cookeville...somehow. Even though I haven't done ONE "fun" thing for myself all month (ALL shopping has been for either apartment stuff, food, or daily necessities), I'm still broke & waiting for a miracle.
I know I could furnish an apartment in Fargo for what I find at garage sales and on Craigslist, but that doesn't look like a possibility either. Mike lives in a very isolated town that isn't close enough to any city with a Craigslist URL, and the garage sales in that area are junky at best. I didn't even see ANY furniture at the one I went to while I was there.
My friend Dawn & I started selling a few things at her garage sale today, and I made 3 dollars. That might buy a few screws for the bunk bed XD (Having somewhere to sleep when I get to the new place is my priority right now.) It was fun sitting out there...I wasn't expecting to profit much anyway...just have something to take up my time. :) I'm going back out there tomorrow to try again.
I have one weekend to try to make some more money selling my mom's stuff, but no way will that leave me enough to have a 'home.' If the car still isn't going through the court, I might have to give that up in order to move sooner. I would really like to keep the car though. It's a really nice car!...even though I don't have a job to pay for gas or insurance, so I can't drive it yet.
My mom's retirement company has just started to send out monthly checks of $325. This is added to the survivor's check I use to pay for my rent/bills/food. Regardless of how they are spent, they will come monthly until I graduate from college or turn 25, I can't remember which. Last month, my aunt took the check to help pay off the house payment of my mom's house (Which makes no sense, because one of her kids + his friend is living in it, and they SHOULD be paying rent.) I have this month's check in my purse...I'm clinging to it for dear life because honestly, I need the money more than that house does.
I get so frustrated sometimes...I don't care what happens to that house. My mom hated it, I hated it, no one in this family will ever live in it long-term. If it was sold now, that would be the best, because then the remaining money (after paying off the mortgage) would probably fund the rest of my college tuition until I graduate. That's what my mom would really want. My school was her first priority. I remember her calling me when I was in Williamsburg. She had been eating old potatoes and pasta all week because after paying my leftover tuition, she didn't have enough for quality food. That's the first thing that prompted me to leave UC. I felt terrible. Everything always comes back to money.
If only I could hang on to the next three checks...May's, June's, and July's...our townhouse/rental house/WHATEVER will be comfortable and feeling like home. If I somehow get cheated out of it, I hope my family (who insists they have my best interests in mind) enjoys the thought of me sleeping on the floor and hitching rides (no way to transport my bike either...plus it's locked up because my mom was the only person who knew the combination...) while a house nobody wants is being paid off for no reason.
ALSO, since none of my family members (who CAN afford it) have offered to help me out transportation-wise, I may have to give up the cats. All of them. Greyhound doesn't allow pets, and I can't get them their own plane ticket...or ship them in a cardboard box. XD This seriously disturbs me. The thought haunts my dreams. I don't WANT to give them to new homes, but at the cost of saving on rent every month and getting to go to a better school, I have to? Pets aren't replaceable by any means, but I imagine myself stalking Craigslist for a couple kitties to keep me sane this summer if this is the way things are gonna go... :(
*DEEP BREATH* Okay, rant's over. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Only a few more weeks of living in an apartment with a landlord who hates me. Everything has a bright side.
Living Room Couch
Living Room Chair?
Coffee Table
Bookshelf
Lamps
Kitchen Table
Kitchen Chairs
Microwave
Cookware (pots, mostly)
Bunk Bed
Desk
Storage
Vacuum Cleaner
Rolling hamper (to walk clothes to the laundromat)
Bike (only mode of free transportation)
1 Greyhound bus ticket (TO GET THERE!)
The only room I have finished shopping for is the bathroom. We'll probably still need a few more washcloths and towels, but I figure by the time I move in, it will be July and beach towels will be on sale.
I'm almost done with the kitchen as well. We have enough bowls, plates, etc, and I'm getting a lot of cooking supplies from my mom's house. I still can't take anything too big or heavy to put in a suitcase.
Nor can I afford to ship most of the items I already have. All of the "big things" have to be bought new IN Cookeville...somehow. Even though I haven't done ONE "fun" thing for myself all month (ALL shopping has been for either apartment stuff, food, or daily necessities), I'm still broke & waiting for a miracle.
I know I could furnish an apartment in Fargo for what I find at garage sales and on Craigslist, but that doesn't look like a possibility either. Mike lives in a very isolated town that isn't close enough to any city with a Craigslist URL, and the garage sales in that area are junky at best. I didn't even see ANY furniture at the one I went to while I was there.
My friend Dawn & I started selling a few things at her garage sale today, and I made 3 dollars. That might buy a few screws for the bunk bed XD (Having somewhere to sleep when I get to the new place is my priority right now.) It was fun sitting out there...I wasn't expecting to profit much anyway...just have something to take up my time. :) I'm going back out there tomorrow to try again.
I have one weekend to try to make some more money selling my mom's stuff, but no way will that leave me enough to have a 'home.' If the car still isn't going through the court, I might have to give that up in order to move sooner. I would really like to keep the car though. It's a really nice car!...even though I don't have a job to pay for gas or insurance, so I can't drive it yet.
My mom's retirement company has just started to send out monthly checks of $325. This is added to the survivor's check I use to pay for my rent/bills/food. Regardless of how they are spent, they will come monthly until I graduate from college or turn 25, I can't remember which. Last month, my aunt took the check to help pay off the house payment of my mom's house (Which makes no sense, because one of her kids + his friend is living in it, and they SHOULD be paying rent.) I have this month's check in my purse...I'm clinging to it for dear life because honestly, I need the money more than that house does.
I get so frustrated sometimes...I don't care what happens to that house. My mom hated it, I hated it, no one in this family will ever live in it long-term. If it was sold now, that would be the best, because then the remaining money (after paying off the mortgage) would probably fund the rest of my college tuition until I graduate. That's what my mom would really want. My school was her first priority. I remember her calling me when I was in Williamsburg. She had been eating old potatoes and pasta all week because after paying my leftover tuition, she didn't have enough for quality food. That's the first thing that prompted me to leave UC. I felt terrible. Everything always comes back to money.
If only I could hang on to the next three checks...May's, June's, and July's...our townhouse/rental house/WHATEVER will be comfortable and feeling like home. If I somehow get cheated out of it, I hope my family (who insists they have my best interests in mind) enjoys the thought of me sleeping on the floor and hitching rides (no way to transport my bike either...plus it's locked up because my mom was the only person who knew the combination...) while a house nobody wants is being paid off for no reason.
ALSO, since none of my family members (who CAN afford it) have offered to help me out transportation-wise, I may have to give up the cats. All of them. Greyhound doesn't allow pets, and I can't get them their own plane ticket...or ship them in a cardboard box. XD This seriously disturbs me. The thought haunts my dreams. I don't WANT to give them to new homes, but at the cost of saving on rent every month and getting to go to a better school, I have to? Pets aren't replaceable by any means, but I imagine myself stalking Craigslist for a couple kitties to keep me sane this summer if this is the way things are gonna go... :(
*DEEP BREATH* Okay, rant's over. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Only a few more weeks of living in an apartment with a landlord who hates me. Everything has a bright side.
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