Moment of weakness...

I'm a pretty good pretender...I tell everyone about how free I am because I don't have any family members telling me what to do, and how great I'm doing on my own...
And it's true. I'm happy when I'm under no one's authority, and I love my independence.
But sometimes I just want someone to call me and ask me about my day.
That's one of the things I miss most about my mom being around. She'd listen to all the tiny little details, and she acted like she really cared about what happened to me. I feel like I'm a nuisance if I call any of my other family members. They have so many things to deal with in their own lives, and most of them have other kids...so who has time for me?
I kinda feel like I got lost in the shuffle.
Oh, the curses of being the black sheep in a small, distant family...

I'm not as dumb as you think I am -- explaining the money matters...

Normally, I don't have problems with running out before all the bills are paid.
When my electricity got shut off both times, it was because I couldn't find a ride to city hall to pay my bill.
but this month has held its own challenges.
Before you go about wondering about the mall-shopping I did at the beginning of the month...I got money for Christmas, from my dad, my grandparents, and one of my aunts. I spent very little of my own money at the mall.
I missed the advance payment deadline for ordering bus tickets back home. I didn't know my aunt expected me to use my own money to do so. After making a compromise over the phone, she ended up giving me $150 to order tickets in person, but they ended up costing $192. That $42 could have paid my electric bill. But...it's gone.
My uncle gave me $300 in a Christmas card that was supposed to pay for my convention tickets, and the leftover $100 or so would be back-up for any unexpected costs, but that's gone too, because of something really odd that happened. Here's the story:
My grandparents promised to buy me a new laptop, after they heard that my other one died. My aunt was supposed to come up to Fargo to pay for it (and my grandma would write her a check for the amount later). On the day before she was supposed to come see me, one of my aunt's distant relatives died. She called me to say she couldn't come up to help me buy the laptop because she had to plan funeral arrangements or something. Instead of sending my cousin or any other relative to come get me, or sending me a moneygram, she just said I didn't need a new laptop, and I could just "get by" with the one I had.
[That was NOT her gift to take away...]
Apparently the repairman said all my old one needed was a fan. I've tried fans...multiple times. They don't work. My old laptop still overheated after about 15-20 minutes of being on. I knew I needed a stable laptop that would work. Not only so I could keep in touch with friends and keep my blog going.
I knew I had to register for classes (which is an ONLINE process!) and take notes once those classes started, write papers, research for those papers, etc. The library computers aren't accessible all the time! I have homework to do this weekend, and since it's a "holiday," the library is closed. I anticipated that.
So on last Saturday, my last day in North Dakota, Trista and her boyfriend drove me to Walmart to pick up my new laptop. My aunt still doesn't know.
A friend of hers called me while I was on the bus and told me, "Don't call over there. She's too stressed out about you asking her for money and help all the time." ...I haven't heard from her since. Tuition is due on Wednesday, and she's not even answering her e-mails. I sense a huge bomb about to explode...
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't signed over any of the estate money, if I'd be better off right now.
I don't know who to talk to? None of my other familly members have called me either... :\

Life is full of surprises!

Christmas has made a pretty big turnaround today!
I wasn't really too excited about going to spend the day with my grandparents. They live way out in the country and the car ride is always pretty difficult...and since they don't speak English very well, I spend most of my time in silence since I don't know how to make myself understood.
But this time I swallowed the awkward and talked anyway. My grandma translated for my grandpa so they could both understand a bit...I showed them lots of pictures...Pictures are the same in every language!
I wonder if my aunt and Kelly (mom's old roomie) read my post about feeling kinda slighted by family as far as "stuff" goes haha...I never asked for anything that I got today...but I'm so grateful for all of it!
My cousin bought me like 5 new sweaters that are thin enough to wear in Tennessee... That's a week's worth of shopping I don't have to do now! I also got a new laptop case, a purse, and some jewelry from my aunt...(My grandma got a Coach bag from my uncle and I am so jealous...hahahaha) And...A LAPTOP!
But the absolute best thing was my uncle paying for my tickets to go to Nashville in April! Not only do I get to visit Tyler one time for FREE! ...but I can meet more girls too! And I don't have to work my butt off to get there...
I'm just shocked.
Not too depressed to get out of bed.
Utterly amazed...
that someone I hardly know would do something so nice for me!
I don't think I deserve it.

A year is a long time.

I spent most of the morning watching Netflix and youtube movies.Then I spent my afternoon at the library.
When my aunt got off work at 5, she came to get me and then I went to her house. In exchange for a fresh meal and someone to talk to, I helped her wrap presents, which (of course!) I enjoyed.
She gave me a really nice present. She got a family picture of my mom's side of the family + me blown up and she's putting it in a frame. I don't have any family pictures hanging up on my wall. It'll be nice to have one.
We talked about seeing my grandparents sometime over the break. The thought honestly stresses me out a little. I remember how they broke down sobbing when my aunt told them I was moving to Tennessee. I don't want to see them try to talk me out of moving back, because there's no way that's happening. She assured me that if they see that I'm happy, they'll be happy.
I'm still pretty sad right now. But I hope I'll find the right words to tell my grandparents that Cookeville is the right place for me to be. Yes, it was an impulsive decision that was made unusually quickly, but I have no regrets. Not just my grandparents...I want my entire family to know that I'm still standing strong in the belief that I did the best thing for myself by leaving.
At last year's Christmas party, I was in no shape to tell them anything. It was a month after my mom's funeral...Mike and I were having problems...my mind was all over the place. That memory is one of the things that made me so hesitant to come back at all...my dad's town is a place of loss and sadness.
I really don't like being here. If I could have spent the entire break in Fargo, I would have.
But I think I'm dealing with it really well.
This year, I have an identity and a life filled with amazing, loving people a thousand miles away from here, where no one even knows about this depressing black hole of a town.
That really helps.

the beautiful side of bad luck. ♥

Let's start at the beginning.
When I was little, my Christmas tradition was always the same. I would go to church at night on Christmas Eve, then after the service was over, my parents would drive me to my grandparents' house to eat and open presents. When we got home on Christmas day, I had a stocking waiting for me.
It was quiet and always predictable.
When I came back from my freshman year of college, I broke away from tradition by accident. James, one of my best friends from high school, invited me to his family's Christmas party that was supposed to happen on the 23rd. (For those of you who don't know, I had basically lived on his family's couch for the 6 months before I moved to Kentucky. -- Parents were in the middle of a divorce, I had just moved out on my own, and I had no desire to spend much time at "home.")
I had missed them all terribly for the 5 months I was gone, so I went to the party. The news had shown a winter storm warning on the weather forecast, but I wasn't about to let the weather get in the way of my fun.
It snowed 8 inches overnight. Could my mom have come to get me? Yes, probably, but she was paranoid about driving in bad weather. So I stayed with James and his siblings (ranging in ages 16 to 6) for my first Christmas ever. I was sad about waking up on Christmas and not having any presents to open, but they had actually bought presents for me and I didn't know it!
That year was filled with its own drama, but I still have so many special memories. Spending Christmas there was supposed to be a one-time thing, but last year, a little over a month after my mother's unexpected death, I asked to stay there one more time because I needed to stay close to what was familiar. Family members gave me their invitations, but I needed stability -- to stay with people I knew.
And it was awesome. All of the food, people, parties, and presents of the year before, with none of the drama.
Even if I had to eat ramen all weekend and not unwrap a single package, I would still go there again. Because Christmas is about spending time with people who love you, even when they don't have to. I love James, Shawn, Alex, and Amber like my own siblings. (If I had any.) I'm sad that I have to buy their presents late this year (ran out of money), but they'll get the best I can give them.
This is why I'm going home, even though I'd rather not get on that bus. I want to be there to see these kids grow up.
I do not ever want pity because I can't spend the holidays with my "own family."
I'll be sitting around the tree with people who make me happy. And that's just as good.

One week. o_0

Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company.  Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,  
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.

I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.

The hard part of planning.

Things we still need:
Living Room Couch
Living Room Chair?
Coffee Table
Bookshelf
Lamps

Kitchen Table
Kitchen Chairs
Microwave
Cookware (pots, mostly)

Bunk Bed
Desk
Storage

Vacuum Cleaner
Rolling hamper (to walk clothes to the laundromat)
Bike (only mode of free transportation)
1 Greyhound bus ticket (TO GET THERE!)

The only room I have finished shopping for is the bathroom. We'll probably still need a few more washcloths and towels, but I figure by the time I move in, it will be July and beach towels will be on sale.
I'm almost done with the kitchen as well. We have enough bowls, plates, etc, and I'm getting a lot of cooking supplies from my mom's house. I still can't take anything too big or heavy to put in a suitcase.
Nor can I afford to ship most of the items I already have. All of the "big things" have to be bought new IN Cookeville...somehow. Even though I haven't done ONE "fun" thing for myself all month (ALL shopping has been for either apartment stuff, food, or daily necessities), I'm still broke & waiting for a miracle.

I know I could furnish an apartment in Fargo for what I find at garage sales and on Craigslist, but that doesn't look like a possibility either. Mike lives in a very isolated town that isn't close enough to any city with a Craigslist URL, and the garage sales in that area are junky at best. I didn't even see ANY furniture at the one I went to while I was there.

My friend Dawn & I started selling a few things at her garage sale today, and I made 3 dollars. That might buy a few screws for the bunk bed XD (Having somewhere to sleep when I get to the new place is my priority right now.) It was fun sitting out there...I wasn't expecting to profit much anyway...just have something to take up my time. :) I'm going back out there tomorrow to try again.
I have one weekend to try to make some more money selling my mom's stuff, but no way will that leave me enough to have a 'home.' If the car still isn't going through the court, I might have to give that up in order to move sooner. I would really like to keep the car though. It's a really nice car!...even though I don't have a job to pay for gas or insurance, so I can't drive it yet.

My mom's retirement company has just started to send out monthly checks of $325. This is added to the survivor's check I use to pay for my rent/bills/food. Regardless of how they are spent, they will come monthly until I graduate from college or turn 25, I can't remember which. Last month, my aunt took the check to help pay off the house payment of my mom's house (Which makes no sense, because one of her kids + his friend is living in it, and they SHOULD be paying rent.) I have this month's check in my purse...I'm clinging to it for dear life because honestly, I need the money more than that house does.

I get so frustrated sometimes...I don't care what happens to that house. My mom hated it, I hated it, no one in this family will ever live in it long-term. If it was sold now, that would be the best, because then the remaining money (after paying off the mortgage) would probably fund the rest of my college tuition until I graduate. That's what my mom would really want. My school was her first priority. I remember her calling me when I was in Williamsburg. She had been eating old potatoes and pasta all week because after paying my leftover tuition, she didn't have enough for quality food. That's the first thing that prompted me to leave UC. I felt terrible. Everything always comes back to money.

If only I could hang on to the next three checks...May's, June's, and July's...our townhouse/rental house/WHATEVER will be comfortable and feeling like home. If I somehow get cheated out of it, I hope my family (who insists they have my best interests in mind) enjoys the thought of me sleeping on the floor and hitching rides (no way to transport my bike either...plus it's locked up because my mom was the only person who knew the combination...) while a house nobody wants is being paid off for no reason.

ALSO, since none of my family members (who CAN afford it) have offered to help me out transportation-wise, I may have to give up the cats. All of them. Greyhound doesn't allow pets, and I can't get them their own plane ticket...or ship them in a cardboard box. XD This seriously disturbs me. The thought haunts my dreams. I don't WANT to give them to new homes, but at the cost of saving on rent every month and getting to go to a better school, I have to? Pets aren't replaceable by any means, but I imagine myself stalking Craigslist for a couple kitties to keep me sane this summer if this is the way things are gonna go... :(

*DEEP BREATH* Okay, rant's over. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Only a few more weeks of living in an apartment with a landlord who hates me. Everything has a bright side.

Mother's Day Emo Rant

I still don't hate holidays.
I love holidays, more than any other days out of the year
(except, perhaps, the last day of school and Black Friday...)
but I'm having a hard time with this one.
I can't exactly say my mom and I had any mother's day traditions...
in fact, for the last two years, I didn't even celebrate with her.
But a mother is more than someone you buy a card for and mention on Facebook once a year.
Today, more than any other day, I have to be reminded that I'm missing yet another part of my life that most people get to have. I can't help but be a little jealous. :(
She's been gone for exactly 6 months.
I wonder what she'd think of me now...
I fully admit she'd spaz at the sight of my apartment...she was always so much cleaner than me.
Like the rest of my family, she'd probably be opposed to me moving again, because she saw how homesick I got last time...but UNLIKE the rest of my family, she'd still help me if she knew it was what I really wanted.
(Then again, if she was here, would I feel like I had to leave? Because I don't have any support here?)
She would be so proud of me that I finished the semester with a 3.5
She'd love how far I've gotten with my story...
I don't get the sudden urge to call her anymore.
Sometimes I just pretend she never existed, because it's easier that way.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say...
Happy Mother's Day...
I wish you were here...

Catless. Day 1.

I've had tears running down my face all day, but surprisingly, my makeup holds up.
Life's chewed me up and spit me out once again.
I got off the Greyhound at 12:35...right on time.
Sweaty, exhausted, and frankly disgusted to see all this frozen white garbage littering the grass.
I didn't come back on a good note.
No, I'm not talking about the countless turds Demon laid on my bedroom floor.
I'm talking about the fact that the cats weren't even there.
I walked in to my living room thinking they were taken to a shelter and immediately put down.
My aunt then informed me that they'd be staying at her garage.
Basically, the same thing.
After she said that would be the best option for them,
she went on to talk about her cat who had just died because he walked outside and got hit by a car on the highway.
My kittens have been indoor-only since birth.
They don't deserve to be thrown out with someone's trash bags and garage-sale castoffs.
They could contract a disease from some wandering tom cat,
be impregnated by an unknown stray with who knows how many diseases,
eaten by a hungry dog that feels like passing by,
shot by a heartless redneck with a mood for killing...
My aunt couldn't even promise they'd all be there when I was ready to take them back and move.
And I'm supposed to be GRATEFUL?
I'll only be grateful when they're with me again.
I feel like a wrongly accused mother who just lost her children to the unknown horrors of foster care.
I don't even know WHEN I can see them again...
Until I do, I'll remain this quivering mess who's seriously lacking something to love.