home time.

I'm still trying to be okay with what happened last week.
I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason" and that it'll all work out for the best.
Like if/when you-know-who comes back in August, our friendship will be so much stronger and more awesome because of all the texting we've been doing, and getting to know each other without a huge group of people around.
But that's not what I'll be blogging about. I don't want to focus on The Sad too much, because then I won't be able to enjoy myself here. Yes, here. I'm at home now. North Dakota to be exact, but this was my last home before moving to Cookeville.
I don't have any pictures to share, because there was really nothing worth seeing on the entire trip. I slept through Tennessee, Kentucky, and Missouri. Of course I was fully awake through all the corn states.
South Dakota was by far the most boring. I think it even beats out North Dakota in flatness and emptiness, too. I came home with only one postcard since none of the other gift shops had anything. It was a very, very dull trip. I'm so glad it's over.
Now I don't really know what to expect while I'm here. I know for the next couple of days I'm gonna do as little as possible. Long rides wear me out. But I have to go to the mall, no matter what. I have absolutely no money, but it's Christmas season! Free samples everywhere!
I'm not going to plan things too rigidly, because we all know what happens when I get my hopes up for something. I'll take it a day at a time. Like right now, I'm in my cousin's guest room (which looks like a hotel room, I swear. It's nice.) and she ordered me pizza. I'm going to stuff myself, because beef jerky and fruit snacks just don't cut it for the 3 meals I should have had...
It's harder to be sad when you're full, ya know?

One week. o_0

Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company.  Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,  
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.

I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.

Going home...and more impending doom?

On Friday night, I ordered my bus tickets for Christmas break. What a trip that will be.
I have to catch a shuttle van to Nashville here at noon, and since the greyhound bus doesn't leave until 6:45 PM, I'll be spending most of my day in the bus station. After that is a 24 hour ride to North Dakota, where I'm staying at one of my cousins' house overnight.
I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. It's just become such an integral part of my existence: I. Don't. Leave. Town. Going to Lebanon for Fall Focus in September took unhealthy amounts of sedatives. That was 40 miles away. I had a massive anxiety attack going to the edge of city limits today, though that was probably brought on by eating too much food that made me nauseous and uncomfortable.
I think about it a lot...and still, I'm not as terrified about going home as much as I would be going to Sparta. Less than 20 miles from here. I suppose it's all about being surrounded by the familiar. Then again, this bus route is different from the usual ones...It's going through St. Louis, Kansas City, and Sioux Falls rather than Chicago and Louisville. That will be unfamiliar too! *screams silently*
My most comforting thought is that bus rides are always easier. No one looks at you differently if you bring along huge bags filled with entertainment (books, magazines, coloring books, electronic stuffs) and knock yourself out with sleeping pills once every couple hours. (Oh, how I wish I could have insurance to get prescription Xanax...it worked wonders...) Most people there are doing the same thing...and there is always that little bathroom for me to lock myself into if I just can't stand looking out the window anymore.
"So? Just stay home." That thought has crossed my mind, but the anticipation of spending 3 weeks by myself seems more worthy of dread than 24 hours trapped on a moving vehicle. Spending 3 or 4 DAYS alone for Thanksgiving will be tragic enough.
I pray that when I get home, I'll be distracted with good things. If I end up rotting in my dad's attic eating ramen and watching hour after hour of MTV, that is no holiday. If it were my choice, I'd spend a couple days seeing my "real" family, spend a weekend with Kristi and all the kids, and waste the rest of the time in Moorhead where I would be close to shopping, a nice library, and all my old solitary hang-outs.
I'm not excited for the semester to be over because to me, this IS home. It's where I feel loved and wanted, and where I feel safest. I've dealt with a lot of loss here, but not irreparable loss. For every friend lost, another one falls into place.(BTW, that one cool guy I've mentioned before? We're finally hanging out alone now and again...) That's not the case with family. For example, someone I don't even know is living in my mom's house right now. That's the only "holiday place" I've ever known, except for Karen's, and Staples is so isolated that I don't think I could spend much of my break there...
Everyone has their "season of joy." Mine will be when spring semester starts and I can look forward to another 4 months where I don't have to leave city limits. (Oh, except for Nashville...but that will be nothing but happy.) The only thing worth dreading AFTER the long bus ride back to Tennessee? ...Valentine's Day.

a self-reflection on good news

So, I got my acceptance letter to TN Tech today.

I have mixed feelings about it.
For one, I'm ECSTATIC at the fact I can get to see what a big state school is like...
in a town where the temperature doesn't get below 0 enough days out of the year to count...
I'm happy that I'll be closer to my Nashville friends...
one of which who will live close enough to visit me after school and hopefully be my shopping buddy. :)
I'm grateful to be able to live in an apartment with more space.
With more big cities close by, maybe I'll be able to go to a concert or something
[still have never been to one that wasn't sponsored by school...]
and I'll get to visit more states and get more rubber keychains. XD
I'm a little sad though, because it just proves that this town,
which I've wanted to live in since I was a tiny child,
has failed me.
I hate to admit to myself that it IS possible to live here for 9 months and still feel so lonely.
I know it by heart though...I could get to the mall with my eyes closed. XD
It sucks that I don't even get a goodbye party this time...
Not because of money or time or anything else...
only because I don't know enough people to throw me one. :\
I'll miss the feeling you get when the snow finally melts...
when you're on a high and the world could not possibly be more beautiful.
But I suppose that's what visits are for?
I have to keep thinking of the good things...
like having my cats back!!
Instead of that general feeling I get every single time I start over...
Wondering if I'm doing the right thing,
and hoping with all my heart things will finally get better.
I rather like the anonymity of being somewhere else every year, but I know what I'd like more.
The predictability of getting up in the morning in a safe neighborhood,
stepping out the door and not being hit on by bus-creatures...
After school, going shopping or to the movies with friends who are actually REAL friends,
(not just tolerating me to cure their own boredom),
and coming back to take Lola out for a walk on her leash.
That little picture is enough to keep me going for now.

BTW, here's a couple of my favorite travel songs. :)

& It's my heart I'll follow this time...

Some people might be confused about why I want to leave Minnesota again.
After all, the extent of which I hated Williamsburg is well known.
That hasn't changed. The college is still filled with lots of entitled rich kids while the town itself is falling down, there are no good stores in sight, no bus system, and no way of entertaining myself when nearly everyone goes home for the weekend.

I used to think anywhere south of Ohio and east of the central time zone line would be the same.
Then I went on this trip to Nashville. Maybe Nashville was just another city, but I fell in love with it. Being there just felt...right. Then I had to come back down to reality.

Living near Fargo (which is more of a 'big town' than a city) is expensive enough. There's no way I could find an apartment in Nashville at a price I can afford. If money was no issue, I'd probably be living in Chicago right now. I've felt drawn to that city even before I saw it for the first time.

Thinking logically, I clicked around on webpages for other nearby towns,
and I found one that looks right, only an hour away from Nashville. A friend that I met at the convention told me about the town she lives in. Rent is cheaper than I could have imagined for a town of its size, there is a good bus system and enough stores of all kinds to satisfy me.
The school there is one of the best public colleges in Tennessee.
I'm done filling out my application. I'll probably get in, but even if I don't, I'll probably still move there and take distance classes from home.

The thing that got me interested in TN Tech is their financial aid requirements.
I could qualify as an independent student if I could prove I had no financial support from my parent, which is easy enough to do. I pay everything...rent, bills, food, clothes, every thing I own these days, I've bought for myself somehow, and I could get in-state tuition if I can promise I will live there year-round and not go home for the summer.
What home? No family member of mine opens their house to me for 3 months of the year rent-free.

Even if one did, I LIKE apartment life. I don't want to go back to having just one room to myself. I've also fallen in love with the cute little 2 bedroom townhouses Mike & I could be living in for less than I'm paying now for this one bedroom in a sketchy part of town...
(Come on! My bike got stolen from our parking lot!) If he's working and I have money coming in, we could possibly even rent a house for ourselves. Either way, the kitties will have a yard to run around in.

Food is also cheaper in southern grocery stores, so even if I don't qualify for food stamps anymore, I can eat good, healthy meals more regularly. I will be happy because I can go outside at all months of the year, and not be afraid of freezing to death.
My anxiety will decrease because I won't have to constantly worry about snow making the buses late every day from November to March.

The friends I met (and reunited with in KY too) totally made the trip...
I can't imagine never visiting them more than once a year.
Old friends from college seem to genuinely want me to visit more than that. We had fun together.
The people here who think they can control my life will no longer be able to...
On this trip, I've learned that I'm a lot more independent than I thought I was.
This town doesn't need me, and I doubt my "family" would miss me much.
Why stay where I'm not needed?
I'm ready to find another new chapter of life on my own.
(and of course Mike will help.)