There's something about cold that makes a person feel alone. When your face is red and your fingers are numb, it's so easy to feel like the world is against you. Or when it's raining...it's like the sky is crying, and you just feel pitiful.
Today felt like summer. Summer is the best season...
(Except for those days when I overheat and get sick. But that's Tennessee summer, not summer in general.)
Even though the wind was blowing, the entire world just seemed brighter. People actually spent time outside, rather than just speeding home after their last class ended. After Soul Food, Mike and I went walking with a new guy we met (I keep forgetting his name!). I hated being in lab. I kept seeing the sun out my window and I wanted so badly to skip. After that, Alex, Ben, Mike, and a few other people spent the afternoon playing volleyball outside the BCM. I only quit because I needed to call Kale and find out where he is. (By the way, last I heard, he was in Omaha.)
Even though today has been fun, it's passed by slowly enough for me to enjoy it. International Night is in a bit less than two hours, and that's one of the best events of the week. Cici's is on the dinner menu tonight. Free, of course! I hope my new friend comes.
In a way, I feel bad enjoying myself. But I might as well, because I hear another cold front is blowing in. I really hope that isn't symbolism.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
friends - the good, the bad, and the missing.
Everyone has different kinds of friends in their life.
There are the ones you confess your secrets to, the ones who give you rides to church, the friends you envy, and the friends you feel bad for.The people who blow you off for fantasy games, and the ones who are there for you to hear you vent.
Some of them stay, and some of them go.
And some friendships just don't last.
Most of the people I've met in Cookeville come into my life like an explosion. One day I had no idea of their existence, the next - we see each other everywhere. ...And they leave my life just as effortlessly. Nothing tragic (most of the time) - I find out they've deleted me on Facebook, or we just drift apart. Most of the time I don't dwell on it, because that's how all my relationships usually are - fast, intense, and short-lived.
(Mike and I met at the beginning of the semester and we've stayed friends until now. This seems like a record for me. Almost two whole months with no conflict?)
And then there was my exception. An aquaintance who always floated along on the outer borders of my social circle...I didn't give him much thought because I was always pursuing the people who could give me a thrill - people who craved adventure, and "pretty" guys who could make or break my day by looking at me the right way. Stability? I didn't want stability...until I needed it.
Everyone already knows what happened.
This friendship could have fizzled out like the rest of them. I refused to give up this time.
We're getting to be much closer, despite the distance.
There's a certain kind of freedom that comes with talking through a phone rather than face to face. I have more time to type out what I want to say, so I don't stutter and fall all over myself. The words we say make sense. (Sometimes...)
You'd think any friendship that only had a month to build would crumble to pieces after such a blow. People know each other for years, and smaller things break them apart.
Two months have passed. That's one fourth of this temporary struggle.
I still get good night texts every night, and this person messages me first in the morning.
I am sad, but at the heart of the loneliness, I know I'm lucky.
Good friends need to exist more often.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
awkwardness & pancakes.
I was sad last night. It was the last night that I'll see lots of people for almost a month.
Earlier in the day, Tyler said he'd come with me to the BCM for pancake night. That was really unexpected & cool of him. I know he feels kinda awkward around unfamiliar people.
Then someone else invited him to go to another place, not caring that plans were already made. I got even sadder. There is nothing I hate more than when people bail on me...thankfully, pancakes seemed to be the better option. ^_^
After I found out Fail #5 and The Girl were there, I almost didn't go. I didn't want to risk any awkward encounters. I wouldn't have gone at all if I had to walk in there alone. Once I got there, they were sitting at the opposite corner, so I think I avoided them pretty well. (TS - thank you for joining me on the other side of the room, even though you saw someone else you knew sitting by them.)
At first, it was just T&I bouncing from the sugar. (He was lucky to avoid the usual swarm of people that surround new visitors!) Then a friend of Alaina's brought her pet sugar glider. It was so adorable! (I think "D'aww, you have to see it!" were my exact words.)
And then, one of my most shy, awkward friends came out of his shell. It was great.
After the awkward-encounter-people left, I was able to make the group grow a little more. Tiffany and Larry are some of my favorite BCM people, but I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, because I don't want to drag them into the FailDrama. I'm glad Tyler got along with them so well. We drew pictures on the (disposable) tablecloth and painted things with glow in the dark puffy paint. Ya know, all those things that are so much more fun than studying.
Of course I got my tackle when I left, and to my surprise, he tackled back. It was the best d'aww moment I've had in a long time.
When I got home, I was a little sad again, but more than anything, I was happy that things were back to normal. Or better than normal!
I think we'll make it.
Earlier in the day, Tyler said he'd come with me to the BCM for pancake night. That was really unexpected & cool of him. I know he feels kinda awkward around unfamiliar people.
Then someone else invited him to go to another place, not caring that plans were already made. I got even sadder. There is nothing I hate more than when people bail on me...thankfully, pancakes seemed to be the better option. ^_^
After I found out Fail #5 and The Girl were there, I almost didn't go. I didn't want to risk any awkward encounters. I wouldn't have gone at all if I had to walk in there alone. Once I got there, they were sitting at the opposite corner, so I think I avoided them pretty well. (TS - thank you for joining me on the other side of the room, even though you saw someone else you knew sitting by them.)
At first, it was just T&I bouncing from the sugar. (He was lucky to avoid the usual swarm of people that surround new visitors!) Then a friend of Alaina's brought her pet sugar glider. It was so adorable! (I think "D'aww, you have to see it!" were my exact words.)
And then, one of my most shy, awkward friends came out of his shell. It was great.
After the awkward-encounter-people left, I was able to make the group grow a little more. Tiffany and Larry are some of my favorite BCM people, but I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, because I don't want to drag them into the FailDrama. I'm glad Tyler got along with them so well. We drew pictures on the (disposable) tablecloth and painted things with glow in the dark puffy paint. Ya know, all those things that are so much more fun than studying.
Of course I got my tackle when I left, and to my surprise, he tackled back. It was the best d'aww moment I've had in a long time.
When I got home, I was a little sad again, but more than anything, I was happy that things were back to normal. Or better than normal!
I think we'll make it.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
One week. o_0
Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company. Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.
I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company. Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.
I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The bi-annual end of semester recap!
Today, I finished my last assignment. (For anyone who cares, it was a Geology paper.)
After finals, I will have completed my fourth semester of college.
Where does the time go?
My GPA has dropped, but I believe I've become a better person in four short months.
Inside, I'm just as hopelessly messed up, but I'm so much more awesome at faking it than I used to be! ...But it's not all fake. Some happiness is real...And I would be miserable alone. It's all because of the following people that I've been able to survive the chaos of culture shock, poverty, loneliness, self-pity, religious confusion, and many many guyfails.
(Not in order of importance...more like order of appearance.)
After finals, I will have completed my fourth semester of college.
Where does the time go?
My GPA has dropped, but I believe I've become a better person in four short months.
Inside, I'm just as hopelessly messed up, but I'm so much more awesome at faking it than I used to be! ...But it's not all fake. Some happiness is real...And I would be miserable alone. It's all because of the following people that I've been able to survive the chaos of culture shock, poverty, loneliness, self-pity, religious confusion, and many many guyfails.
(Not in order of importance...more like order of appearance.)
- Kyle - I wish I would have come over more. I would have if I had known you would leave so soon. But anyway, thanks for giving me a place to stay when I needed someone to talk to who would never judge or think less of me. I wish you were here, but even more so, I wish you happiness wherever you are.
- Brianna - Back in March when I applied at Tech (and you were still mostly an e-buddy), Mike said you wouldn't be my friend anymore when you had to see me everyday. I'm glad we proved him wrong! I can tell you anything, and you understand my quirks. That's what friends are all about, right? :)
- Ben - My first real, in-person Tech-friend! I miss hanging out. We haven't had lunch or talked one on one in like a month and that's sad. But I'll always have the good memories of beating people up with inflatable crayons and going swimming! I can never pay you back for all the crap of mine that you put up with...but for what it's worth, I'm really grateful you did.
- My community group: Kelly, Alaina, Melinda, Rachel, Adam, Maicie, and Michael - Thanks for not looking down on me for not being "Christian enough." And I love that you're all genuine, awesome people who came to my birthday party when almost everyone else bailed.
- Cana - Fangirl buddy! You're so easy to talk to, which I don't say about many girls! I wish you the best of luck in Cleveland and I really hope you'll come visit from time to time. :)
- Devin - Oh, my favorite Geology slacker. I know you feel awkward around people you don't know, but I'm so happy you took a chance and got to know me. We have yet to hang out off-campus, and this needs to change.
- Kevin - Without your help, I would have spent way more mornings freezing and wet on the walk to class. It's so crazy that we were neighbors for so long and didn't know it!
- Sam - It's an awesome coincedence that Ben introduced you to me right when I was planning on checking out the UCSC. Shopping with you has been one of my favorite weekend memories. I hope we'll get to hang out even more next semester. There are not many people I'm willing to get up early for!
- The SG: Josh, James, Shane, Isaac, Amy, Brad, William, Alex, and everyone else I'm forgetting...you let me hang out with you every day and never complain about how annoying I am. It doesn't sound like much, but I'd be lost without you.
- Tyler - I'm sorry things are so awkward. If I could turn back time, I would. But I think we'll be okay. You're a great friend. I don't know what made you and Brad sit with Brianna the day after Kyle left, but I'm glad you did because I've had so much fun getting to know you better. You're the most awesome Brony I've ever met.
- Casey - Intercultural Communications would have been unbearable without someone to pass notes to! You make every Tuesday and Thursday a little brighter. Someday soon, we'll have to go stuff ourselves with popcorn again. I'll miss you when my new classes start, but I think we'll keep in touch!
- Tiffany - I'm glad I added you on Facebook. We have so many things in common... (even taste in guys sometimes! lol) I hope we can hang out more when you come back from break!
- Patrick - It sucks that you're only here until May, but until then, we'll have to do as much fun stuff as possible. You're one of my favorite neighbors! I love that we've gotten along so well since day 1.
- Chandler - Very new text friend: I think it's funny that I run into you as often as I do. Please don't lose touch! It's not every day that I meet an awesome new Cookevillian who compliments me in text, complete with kitty faces. We need to find ourselves an adventure. Soon. :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I think we proved them wrong.
Wow.
My last post has been up for slightly over 24 hours, and it's already my third most-read entry in blog history.
I don't know who all of my readers are. Some might be here just to follow the chaos, but I know for sure that Ms. Anon was very wrong about one thing. I do have true friends. (And bad friends too, but who doesn't?) I never told Brianna or Shawn to stick up for me. I didn't even tell them to read my blog. They did all that on their own.
Also...in response to Blog-God's (and YSE's) prompting, I went to a girls' Bible study last night in an attempt to make more female friends. I talked to Kelly for awhile, but other than that there wasn't time to make conversation with other girls. Now I'm sure YSE goes to the BCM! She was probably even in that circle of girls last night! The topic of the Bible study was oddly similar to some of the advice that was in my letter.
High point: I liked hearing that the older BCM girls have dealt with some of the same problems I have. When I saw them at church events, I used to be jealous because I thought their "dark secrets" were so much more trivial than mine. I thought their biggest regrets would be getting in an argument with their parents or sneaking a wine cooler or something. I feel significantly less "screwed up" after hearing that even "good church girls" have been in toxic relationships and dealt with family drama.
Low point: One of the girls mentioned not having heart-to-heart conversations with guys...not telling them emotional events in your life because it builds an attachment. (Don't all friendships? Even female ones?) I'm sure I raised an eyebrow then. Maybe I'm just looking at it with the heart of a "foreigner." Two of my closest friends are guys. Imagining not being able to tell them half the things I do now? I feel like our friendships would be very stunted. It's a natural progression, to reveal more of yourself to a person as you get to know them better. (However, I do agree that it's good to watch physical boundaries. Some guys ARE only out for one thing. Internet guys outside of Justin and Shawn, I'm looking at YOU!)
Anyway...instead of letting tiny disagreements get to me, I managed to enjoy the girls' night. I will probably go to more of them. (Since there are no awkward guy encounters...) I don't have to agree with everything I learn in order to benefit from it. So this goes out to you, YSE. I do take your advice to heart. Whether I act on all of it or not is up to me, but I do give it all some thought. I'm awkward and tend to stick to the familiar, but I have been branching out! And because of that, I have found wonderful friends in the oddest of places. I partially have you to thank for that! :)
P.S. - I'm also taking YSE's advice and using it to help other people. "Guy X" is shy and awkward himself, just like me, but with my encouragment (and a bit of prodding!) he's expanding his circle of friends too. (Though I do try to save a bit of time for us to hang out alone. XD) & I've never seen him so happy! :)
In the words of Ben...(one of my *gasp*oh no!closeguyfriends!*), "Spread the awesomeness."
My last post has been up for slightly over 24 hours, and it's already my third most-read entry in blog history.
I don't know who all of my readers are. Some might be here just to follow the chaos, but I know for sure that Ms. Anon was very wrong about one thing. I do have true friends. (And bad friends too, but who doesn't?) I never told Brianna or Shawn to stick up for me. I didn't even tell them to read my blog. They did all that on their own.
Also...in response to Blog-God's (and YSE's) prompting, I went to a girls' Bible study last night in an attempt to make more female friends. I talked to Kelly for awhile, but other than that there wasn't time to make conversation with other girls. Now I'm sure YSE goes to the BCM! She was probably even in that circle of girls last night! The topic of the Bible study was oddly similar to some of the advice that was in my letter.
High point: I liked hearing that the older BCM girls have dealt with some of the same problems I have. When I saw them at church events, I used to be jealous because I thought their "dark secrets" were so much more trivial than mine. I thought their biggest regrets would be getting in an argument with their parents or sneaking a wine cooler or something. I feel significantly less "screwed up" after hearing that even "good church girls" have been in toxic relationships and dealt with family drama.
Low point: One of the girls mentioned not having heart-to-heart conversations with guys...not telling them emotional events in your life because it builds an attachment. (Don't all friendships? Even female ones?) I'm sure I raised an eyebrow then. Maybe I'm just looking at it with the heart of a "foreigner." Two of my closest friends are guys. Imagining not being able to tell them half the things I do now? I feel like our friendships would be very stunted. It's a natural progression, to reveal more of yourself to a person as you get to know them better. (However, I do agree that it's good to watch physical boundaries. Some guys ARE only out for one thing. Internet guys outside of Justin and Shawn, I'm looking at YOU!)
Anyway...instead of letting tiny disagreements get to me, I managed to enjoy the girls' night. I will probably go to more of them. (Since there are no awkward guy encounters...) I don't have to agree with everything I learn in order to benefit from it. So this goes out to you, YSE. I do take your advice to heart. Whether I act on all of it or not is up to me, but I do give it all some thought. I'm awkward and tend to stick to the familiar, but I have been branching out! And because of that, I have found wonderful friends in the oddest of places. I partially have you to thank for that! :)
P.S. - I'm also taking YSE's advice and using it to help other people. "Guy X" is shy and awkward himself, just like me, but with my encouragment (and a bit of prodding!) he's expanding his circle of friends too. (Though I do try to save a bit of time for us to hang out alone. XD) & I've never seen him so happy! :)
In the words of Ben...(one of my *gasp*oh no!closeguyfriends!*), "Spread the awesomeness."
Monday, November 28, 2011
"The Secret Encourager"
I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...
Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.
Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.
Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.
Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.
Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.
Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.
Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.
Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.
Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.
Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
With this post, I say my goodbyes to the BCM.
I had thought about making this post yesterday, but I decided I'd "sleep on it" and see if anything changed once morning came. So for anyone who thinks I'm speaking (writing?) in the heat of the moment, I'm not. I'm typing logically, I promise.
I suppose people should know why I probably won't be at Common Ground on Tuesday to wrap the Operation Christmas Child presents. I don't want to get like 5 texts asking what's up. Oh, I've been thinking about this for awhile. There is a very specific reason I went to the UCSC with Sam last week. (And I would have gone this week too, but he went home for the weekend.) For awhile, I was considering spending time at both places. I was incredibly busy, but I could manage being in two places at once, so to speak.
And then, last night happened. I was just clicking through some old pictures when I (accidentally) realized that a fellow BCM-er blocked me on Facebook. I had unfriended him a few days ago - which is what I do when I'm no longer interested in receiving updates about a person's life. But I only block people when I have been stalked relentlessly, harassed, or otherwise seriously offended.
And if he thinks like me at all, I must have done something terribly wrong for him to want to deliberately erase me from his (e)-life. So I am doing the respectful thing and keeping my distance. I refuse to be antagonistic and invade his space...and the BCM is his space.
(Other random thing I've noticed = The only times I have had "bad moments"-- outside of financial reasons, since coming to Cookeville -- were because of things that had happened at the BCM. I have never left any other event or social group in a hopelessly depressed mood.)
I suppose I'll still go to events if someone invites me, but not by myself. I don't know if I'll still go to English hour or not. I'll try it once and see how I feel after. If I can still find a way to go to my community group, I will. They have been nothing but good to me.
So what will I do with the extra time? I don't have any exciting adventures planned up to now, but maybe I'll run into something. I do need to get my apartment cleaned out before Christmas break, but you all know how badly I procrastinate...Oh, I'll miss the cheap/free food...
For lunch on Thursdays, I have people to sit with. Brianna is always at Swoops during dead hour, along with my favorite member of the SG, who will now be nicknamed ANF (Awesome New Friend), and people that they both know. On Thursday nights, the SG spends their time in Jobe Hall, and there is always room for me. I don't have to worry about being lonely. ANF & I ate lunch together every single day last week. I think he likes to make sure that I'm not sad after seeing the void that K left.
I'm so excited for tonight, when the new people come back from wherever they went for the weekend. If I focus on putting more effort into this group, I think life will make a turn for the better, and I'll come home sad much less often.
I suppose people should know why I probably won't be at Common Ground on Tuesday to wrap the Operation Christmas Child presents. I don't want to get like 5 texts asking what's up. Oh, I've been thinking about this for awhile. There is a very specific reason I went to the UCSC with Sam last week. (And I would have gone this week too, but he went home for the weekend.) For awhile, I was considering spending time at both places. I was incredibly busy, but I could manage being in two places at once, so to speak.
And then, last night happened. I was just clicking through some old pictures when I (accidentally) realized that a fellow BCM-er blocked me on Facebook. I had unfriended him a few days ago - which is what I do when I'm no longer interested in receiving updates about a person's life. But I only block people when I have been stalked relentlessly, harassed, or otherwise seriously offended.
And if he thinks like me at all, I must have done something terribly wrong for him to want to deliberately erase me from his (e)-life. So I am doing the respectful thing and keeping my distance. I refuse to be antagonistic and invade his space...and the BCM is his space.
(Other random thing I've noticed = The only times I have had "bad moments"-- outside of financial reasons, since coming to Cookeville -- were because of things that had happened at the BCM. I have never left any other event or social group in a hopelessly depressed mood.)
I suppose I'll still go to events if someone invites me, but not by myself. I don't know if I'll still go to English hour or not. I'll try it once and see how I feel after. If I can still find a way to go to my community group, I will. They have been nothing but good to me.
So what will I do with the extra time? I don't have any exciting adventures planned up to now, but maybe I'll run into something. I do need to get my apartment cleaned out before Christmas break, but you all know how badly I procrastinate...Oh, I'll miss the cheap/free food...
For lunch on Thursdays, I have people to sit with. Brianna is always at Swoops during dead hour, along with my favorite member of the SG, who will now be nicknamed ANF (Awesome New Friend), and people that they both know. On Thursday nights, the SG spends their time in Jobe Hall, and there is always room for me. I don't have to worry about being lonely. ANF & I ate lunch together every single day last week. I think he likes to make sure that I'm not sad after seeing the void that K left.
I'm so excited for tonight, when the new people come back from wherever they went for the weekend. If I focus on putting more effort into this group, I think life will make a turn for the better, and I'll come home sad much less often.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Even now, not all guys suck.
I've noticed something.
When one friend (or two?) leaves my life, no matter what the reason may be, someone is always there to take their place.
Note: Once upon a time, there was a guy (who will remain unnamed) who said that he was interested in me. We had roughly two weeks of awesome days, and then fall break came. When school resumed, he had suddenly become quiet and distant. My theory was that he met a girl (or an old ex?) back home and felt confused. Turns out, he had really been falling for one of my friends that I had introduced him to. They are now happily dating, less than a week after he told me, "I don't have time for girls." Lies, lies, lies. I've heard that excuse before, but I thought we were out of high school? Guys, seriously. Be honest. Save a girl's sanity.
Way back, a few days after school started, Kyle and his roommate (grr) & their friends told me, "No matter who you meet at Tech, never get involved with a Baptist guy. It will not end well." I should have listened to them, but I didn't. Still, when I ran to them with the sad news, they didn't shove it back in my face, taunting, "I told you so!" They welcomed me back into their social circle with open arms.
I flat-out ignored their advice but they've still stuck around to pick up the pieces.
I'm thinking I have been a bad friend. I neglected them because I was trying SO hard to make "good churchy people" like messed-up little me.
This group of guys (& a few girls) who are hereby known as the Summer Group...they've been here since the beginning (2 weeks post-move in), when James (roomie to K) found me on the internet and brought me over to his house for the first time.
All summer, that house was my safe place. Also where I did laundry, used the internet, cooked my microwaveable food, watched TV, stayed when my electricity got cut off, and slept when my air conditioner was broken. When the dorms re-opened on that last Thursday in August, the group expanded and I met more people who have stayed in the background of my life...until now. After K left, his friends have made sure I'm hardly ever lonely.
I'm afraid to admit that since I no longer have FailGuy #5 to try to impress, I've begun to attach myself to a member of the SG (Who will also stay un-named. No one will figure it out.) He's been there since the day the dorms first opened, but we've never had a real conversation before Monday. Turns out he's actually really friendly & sweet & pays lots of attention to me. :)
As I said, someone always takes the place of a lost person.
And this time around, I have learned some valuable information.
1. None of my single girl friends will ever meet this person through me. I'm no longer willing to sabotage my chances, especially by accident! >_<
2. No matter what happens, I will not neglect my other friends in order to keep one person's attention. I need to make time for the people who have made time for me.
3. I will not reveal any secrets to him without his prompting. Setting myself up for failure? No more!
Maybe it's true that every heartbreak teaches a lesson. If so, I must have learned a lot by now.
If you would like to beat some sense into me, go ahead and try. :)
When one friend (or two?) leaves my life, no matter what the reason may be, someone is always there to take their place.
Note: Once upon a time, there was a guy (who will remain unnamed) who said that he was interested in me. We had roughly two weeks of awesome days, and then fall break came. When school resumed, he had suddenly become quiet and distant. My theory was that he met a girl (or an old ex?) back home and felt confused. Turns out, he had really been falling for one of my friends that I had introduced him to. They are now happily dating, less than a week after he told me, "I don't have time for girls." Lies, lies, lies. I've heard that excuse before, but I thought we were out of high school? Guys, seriously. Be honest. Save a girl's sanity.
Way back, a few days after school started, Kyle and his roommate (grr) & their friends told me, "No matter who you meet at Tech, never get involved with a Baptist guy. It will not end well." I should have listened to them, but I didn't. Still, when I ran to them with the sad news, they didn't shove it back in my face, taunting, "I told you so!" They welcomed me back into their social circle with open arms.
I flat-out ignored their advice but they've still stuck around to pick up the pieces.
I'm thinking I have been a bad friend. I neglected them because I was trying SO hard to make "good churchy people" like messed-up little me.
This group of guys (& a few girls) who are hereby known as the Summer Group...they've been here since the beginning (2 weeks post-move in), when James (roomie to K) found me on the internet and brought me over to his house for the first time.
All summer, that house was my safe place. Also where I did laundry, used the internet, cooked my microwaveable food, watched TV, stayed when my electricity got cut off, and slept when my air conditioner was broken. When the dorms re-opened on that last Thursday in August, the group expanded and I met more people who have stayed in the background of my life...until now. After K left, his friends have made sure I'm hardly ever lonely.
I'm afraid to admit that since I no longer have FailGuy #5 to try to impress, I've begun to attach myself to a member of the SG (Who will also stay un-named. No one will figure it out.) He's been there since the day the dorms first opened, but we've never had a real conversation before Monday. Turns out he's actually really friendly & sweet & pays lots of attention to me. :)
As I said, someone always takes the place of a lost person.
And this time around, I have learned some valuable information.
1. None of my single girl friends will ever meet this person through me. I'm no longer willing to sabotage my chances, especially by accident! >_<
2. No matter what happens, I will not neglect my other friends in order to keep one person's attention. I need to make time for the people who have made time for me.
3. I will not reveal any secrets to him without his prompting. Setting myself up for failure? No more!
Maybe it's true that every heartbreak teaches a lesson. If so, I must have learned a lot by now.
If you would like to beat some sense into me, go ahead and try. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Post-rush/Burnout.
I shouldn't avoid e-mails or delete text messages.
But that's what I've been doing because I despise confrontation.
Please don't think of me negatively, girls I hardly know...
I was so grateful for the bid from OPA.
But I just can't go through with pledging. I thought I could handle it, but there is No. Way.
I read online about the dues waiver, and thought it would be no problem. Then I saw the form. There were tons of questions asking where every bit of my money comes and goes...like that itself is supposed to define whether I could make the payment or not.
Yes, I have lots of free time. That does not mean I am not depressingly poor.
I would love to have a part time job, but I know that is out of my reach for at least a couple more years.
Do I need to throw away half of my monthly food budget (what seems like it) on cat food & litter?
For my sanity's sake, yes.
I can't afford to set up a payment plan, or donate to charity. I receive charity myself. I really have nothing left to give. I don't know where my money goes every month. It just flies away, and there is never, ever enough.
It's hard enough funding my BCM habit, when it comes to trips, t-shirts, food, etc.
Speaking of, I have to give up on the spring break trip. There just isn't a spare $50 anywhere, and I don't think I can fundraise for the deposit.
It's sad, but hopefully I'll make local friends (for free) by then, so I won't have to stay here for a week all by myself.
The free friends all come from the internet.
(unless they need gas money, and then they're expensive too.)
So until then, that's where I'll be.
But that's what I've been doing because I despise confrontation.
Please don't think of me negatively, girls I hardly know...
I was so grateful for the bid from OPA.
But I just can't go through with pledging. I thought I could handle it, but there is No. Way.
I read online about the dues waiver, and thought it would be no problem. Then I saw the form. There were tons of questions asking where every bit of my money comes and goes...like that itself is supposed to define whether I could make the payment or not.
Yes, I have lots of free time. That does not mean I am not depressingly poor.
I would love to have a part time job, but I know that is out of my reach for at least a couple more years.
Do I need to throw away half of my monthly food budget (what seems like it) on cat food & litter?
For my sanity's sake, yes.
I can't afford to set up a payment plan, or donate to charity. I receive charity myself. I really have nothing left to give. I don't know where my money goes every month. It just flies away, and there is never, ever enough.
It's hard enough funding my BCM habit, when it comes to trips, t-shirts, food, etc.
Speaking of, I have to give up on the spring break trip. There just isn't a spare $50 anywhere, and I don't think I can fundraise for the deposit.
It's sad, but hopefully I'll make local friends (for free) by then, so I won't have to stay here for a week all by myself.
The free friends all come from the internet.
(unless they need gas money, and then they're expensive too.)
So until then, that's where I'll be.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
More Random Acts of Kindness
This week has been kind of an off week for me.
But that doesn't mean nothing good was in it.
A few people I know have done some very nice things for me.
Today's post is for them.
First: Last night, I ran into a bit of trouble. I had money in my bank account, but still couldn't get cat litter and a phone card because I didn't have a ride to Walmart. I asked as many people as I could think of, but everyone was busy. (Yes, I could have ridden my bike, but how do you take a 15 pound bag of litter on a bike??)
In one last moment of desperation, I went into the library. I ran into some acquaintances, and I casually mentioned I had been on campus all day. When one of them asked why, I said because I was waiting for someone to take me to Walmart. (So I didn't have to pay the unneccessary $4 for a cab.)
A girl I hardly knew offered to drive me, and expected nothing in return. On the ride there and back, we talked, and I think we're going to end up being friends. THANK YOU, Megan! I have my phone, and my cats are happy because of you.
Megan drove me back to the school, because she had a meeting to go to. I was planning on bringing the shopping bags home by myself, but they were awkward to carry. Surprisingly enough, I ran into Kyle on the street corner. He could have spent more time hanging out with his friends having fun, but he helped me carry the bags almost a mile home. Thank you, Kyle. :)
After I put the groceries away, I was able to sit and rest for a couple hours before a sorority meeting. (Which I can't pay for, so I will probably have to quit eventually, but it's no big loss. The girls don't really seem to like me much.) That 2 hours wasn't enough for my feet to stop hurting, though. :( My bike was still at school, so I had to walk. I got about half way there, when another one of my friends offered to take me the rest of the way. I was so happy. It was only a few blocks, but I appreciated the thought. I almost fell asleep in his car. Thank you, Ben, for being awesome. ;) And for STILL letting me use your laptop.
This morning, I was talking to Brianna at breakfast, and we started planning fall break. This wasn't a random act of kindness, specifically, but I was still grateful that she decided to include me in her plans. As most of you know, I have nowhere to go on fall break, and almost all my other friends are leaving. So, thank you, Brianna, for thinking of me and making sure I have fun on fall break, just like everyone else!
Last thing. At 11 AM every Thursday, I go to eat lunch at the BCM house. I was sitting with the usual people, when Cana texted me and said she had something to give me. I just assumed I had left something in her car during Fall Focus weekend. I already had my crossword puzzle book and weekend bag...so what could I have been missing? Turns out, while I was having a miserable time at FF, thinking everyone there had forgotten I exist, she had gotten 7 people to sign a card for me! There I was, in my pity corner because I felt lonely, and all those people were thinking of me.
The company on the back of the card quoted, "Encouragement is a powerful thing."
I completely agree.
The smallest acts can save lives, or at the least, a day's sanity.
But that doesn't mean nothing good was in it.
A few people I know have done some very nice things for me.
Today's post is for them.
First: Last night, I ran into a bit of trouble. I had money in my bank account, but still couldn't get cat litter and a phone card because I didn't have a ride to Walmart. I asked as many people as I could think of, but everyone was busy. (Yes, I could have ridden my bike, but how do you take a 15 pound bag of litter on a bike??)
In one last moment of desperation, I went into the library. I ran into some acquaintances, and I casually mentioned I had been on campus all day. When one of them asked why, I said because I was waiting for someone to take me to Walmart. (So I didn't have to pay the unneccessary $4 for a cab.)
A girl I hardly knew offered to drive me, and expected nothing in return. On the ride there and back, we talked, and I think we're going to end up being friends. THANK YOU, Megan! I have my phone, and my cats are happy because of you.
Megan drove me back to the school, because she had a meeting to go to. I was planning on bringing the shopping bags home by myself, but they were awkward to carry. Surprisingly enough, I ran into Kyle on the street corner. He could have spent more time hanging out with his friends having fun, but he helped me carry the bags almost a mile home. Thank you, Kyle. :)
After I put the groceries away, I was able to sit and rest for a couple hours before a sorority meeting. (Which I can't pay for, so I will probably have to quit eventually, but it's no big loss. The girls don't really seem to like me much.) That 2 hours wasn't enough for my feet to stop hurting, though. :( My bike was still at school, so I had to walk. I got about half way there, when another one of my friends offered to take me the rest of the way. I was so happy. It was only a few blocks, but I appreciated the thought. I almost fell asleep in his car. Thank you, Ben, for being awesome. ;) And for STILL letting me use your laptop.
This morning, I was talking to Brianna at breakfast, and we started planning fall break. This wasn't a random act of kindness, specifically, but I was still grateful that she decided to include me in her plans. As most of you know, I have nowhere to go on fall break, and almost all my other friends are leaving. So, thank you, Brianna, for thinking of me and making sure I have fun on fall break, just like everyone else!
Last thing. At 11 AM every Thursday, I go to eat lunch at the BCM house. I was sitting with the usual people, when Cana texted me and said she had something to give me. I just assumed I had left something in her car during Fall Focus weekend. I already had my crossword puzzle book and weekend bag...so what could I have been missing? Turns out, while I was having a miserable time at FF, thinking everyone there had forgotten I exist, she had gotten 7 people to sign a card for me! There I was, in my pity corner because I felt lonely, and all those people were thinking of me.
The company on the back of the card quoted, "Encouragement is a powerful thing."
I completely agree.
The smallest acts can save lives, or at the least, a day's sanity.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Church, new friends, and the sad lack of a roommate.
I want to write more, I really do, but my internet still isn't working at home. Yep, that means I've had absolutely terrible luck finding a roommate. After one LSN response, I haven't heard ANYTHING. I would really like someone to rent out my spare room so I can afford to get my 'net fixed...and maybe, eventually get cable. Then I can go back to writing a few times a week.
Anyway. I'm halfway done with my third week of school. I kinda feel like I've been here for months. Technically, I HAVE been, but summer is a whole 'nother season...I hardly see my summer friends anymore. Brianna and I eat lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but we haven't gotten a chance to hang out yet. Kyle texted me yesterday, and I wanted to visit, but there just wasn't time. :( Shawn and I talk a couple times a week. I wish we could hang out so we could FINALLY make a successful mentos bomb. Adrian and I don't talk anymore, which is sad, but understandable. I wish we could have stayed on friendly terms though. He was fun to hang out with.
These days, I spend most of my time with the same few people.
I met Ben at a BCM function called Freshman Survival. (He's actually a freshman. Obviously, I'm not.) Yeah, that means I gave in and joined BCM after all. It's not as bad here as it was in Williamsburg. No one's really mentioned politics yet. XD Listening to all the worship songs still makes me nervous, though. People get so emotional!! Lutheran churches are very quiet and subdued, compared to the churches these people grew up in. Even when I get all this religion stuff figured out (if ever), I can't see myself as one of those girls with her hands in the air and tears streaming down her face. That's just not me. At church, I can't make myself feel anything.
Anyway, Ben is a great friend. We text a lot (my phone has literally died a few times lol), but going to the pool has to be the most fun thing we do. There's just something about spending a hot afternoon in cold water, knowing class is done for the day, and there's nothing but fun ahead until the next morning. :D I never want to look ugly around him, because he takes pictures of EVERYTHING. :P
The other girls in BCM are really nice too, though I still wonder if I don't end up being "converted," will they still like me? I would hope so. Friendship should be stronger than that.
And I'm dating someone. :) His name is Cory. He's pretty cool. We met on the internet, but we know a lot of the same people. I joke that September 11th will be a good day to remember now. His friends share a big house, and they're all really accepting. And guess what? There are girls there! And I didn't even have to pay money to meet them. XD
I imagine, eventually I'll spend more time there than I do at my own apartment. I'm rarely there as it is. I still haven't cleaned. Since I can't afford paper towels, a mop, or a trash can, it is a quite difficult task. Which brings me back to the roommate problem. I really wish I had one.
(In my next post, I will explain why I decided to move to Cookeville and apply at TTU.)
Anyway. I'm halfway done with my third week of school. I kinda feel like I've been here for months. Technically, I HAVE been, but summer is a whole 'nother season...I hardly see my summer friends anymore. Brianna and I eat lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but we haven't gotten a chance to hang out yet. Kyle texted me yesterday, and I wanted to visit, but there just wasn't time. :( Shawn and I talk a couple times a week. I wish we could hang out so we could FINALLY make a successful mentos bomb. Adrian and I don't talk anymore, which is sad, but understandable. I wish we could have stayed on friendly terms though. He was fun to hang out with.
These days, I spend most of my time with the same few people.
I met Ben at a BCM function called Freshman Survival. (He's actually a freshman. Obviously, I'm not.) Yeah, that means I gave in and joined BCM after all. It's not as bad here as it was in Williamsburg. No one's really mentioned politics yet. XD Listening to all the worship songs still makes me nervous, though. People get so emotional!! Lutheran churches are very quiet and subdued, compared to the churches these people grew up in. Even when I get all this religion stuff figured out (if ever), I can't see myself as one of those girls with her hands in the air and tears streaming down her face. That's just not me. At church, I can't make myself feel anything.
Anyway, Ben is a great friend. We text a lot (my phone has literally died a few times lol), but going to the pool has to be the most fun thing we do. There's just something about spending a hot afternoon in cold water, knowing class is done for the day, and there's nothing but fun ahead until the next morning. :D I never want to look ugly around him, because he takes pictures of EVERYTHING. :P
The other girls in BCM are really nice too, though I still wonder if I don't end up being "converted," will they still like me? I would hope so. Friendship should be stronger than that.
And I'm dating someone. :) His name is Cory. He's pretty cool. We met on the internet, but we know a lot of the same people. I joke that September 11th will be a good day to remember now. His friends share a big house, and they're all really accepting. And guess what? There are girls there! And I didn't even have to pay money to meet them. XD
I imagine, eventually I'll spend more time there than I do at my own apartment. I'm rarely there as it is. I still haven't cleaned. Since I can't afford paper towels, a mop, or a trash can, it is a quite difficult task. Which brings me back to the roommate problem. I really wish I had one.
(In my next post, I will explain why I decided to move to Cookeville and apply at TTU.)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
here we go again.
Well, summer's over.
Close enough, anyway.
Class starts on MONDAY. (!!!)
I've been the "new kid"/transfer student roughly once a year since age 16, so I'm used to walking in a classroom full of unfamiliar faces, but I still find myself worrying sometimes.
MSCTC was a huge let down, and here, I just want people to like me.
There are SO many clubs to join, so I'm hoping I'll find a place to fit in somewhere.
I doubt I'll join a sorority (dues are too expensive), but I might rush anyway, just to meet some girls.
I need girl friends!
Though Adrian, Shawn, Kyle, and James are amazing people and they make me so happy, I need shopping buddies. XD
I'm also thinking of joining an art club (need to get motivated to draw more!!), and possibly a church group.
There must be a church group here for every denomination, which means I will probably be avoiding BCM.
I don't need to be told how deserving of pity I am because I come from a "broken family" or any of the other crap certain baptists have told me. /end rant
Besides the frat party I went to a few weeks ago, I haven't had a chance to meet very many students in one place.
On Friday, there's a dance welcoming back all the college kids.
I think Kyle and I are gonna go, and I hope it will be an amazing time.
I'm in need of some fun.
This computer isn't much fun to stare at for days on end. :P
Close enough, anyway.
Class starts on MONDAY. (!!!)
I've been the "new kid"/transfer student roughly once a year since age 16, so I'm used to walking in a classroom full of unfamiliar faces, but I still find myself worrying sometimes.
MSCTC was a huge let down, and here, I just want people to like me.
There are SO many clubs to join, so I'm hoping I'll find a place to fit in somewhere.
I doubt I'll join a sorority (dues are too expensive), but I might rush anyway, just to meet some girls.
I need girl friends!
Though Adrian, Shawn, Kyle, and James are amazing people and they make me so happy, I need shopping buddies. XD
I'm also thinking of joining an art club (need to get motivated to draw more!!), and possibly a church group.
There must be a church group here for every denomination, which means I will probably be avoiding BCM.
I don't need to be told how deserving of pity I am because I come from a "broken family" or any of the other crap certain baptists have told me. /end rant
Besides the frat party I went to a few weeks ago, I haven't had a chance to meet very many students in one place.
On Friday, there's a dance welcoming back all the college kids.
I think Kyle and I are gonna go, and I hope it will be an amazing time.
I'm in need of some fun.
This computer isn't much fun to stare at for days on end. :P
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