weather = magic

There's something about cold that makes a person feel alone. When your face is red and your fingers are numb, it's so easy to feel like the world is against you. Or when it's raining...it's like the sky is crying, and you just feel pitiful.
Today felt like summer. Summer is the best season...
(Except for those days when I overheat and get sick. But that's Tennessee summer, not summer in general.)
Even though the wind was blowing, the entire world just seemed brighter. People actually spent time outside, rather than just speeding home after their last class ended. After Soul Food, Mike and I went walking with a new guy we met (I keep forgetting his name!). I hated being in lab. I kept seeing the sun out my window and I wanted so badly to skip. After that, Alex, Ben, Mike, and a few other people spent the afternoon playing volleyball outside the BCM. I only quit because I needed to call Kale and find out where he is. (By the way, last I heard, he was in Omaha.)
Even though today has been fun, it's passed by slowly enough for me to enjoy it. International Night is in a bit less than two hours, and that's one of the best events of the week. Cici's is on the dinner menu tonight. Free, of course! I hope my new friend comes.
In a way, I feel bad enjoying myself. But I might as well, because I hear another cold front is blowing in. I really hope that isn't symbolism.

At least I can laugh at myself.

I've posted a lot of heavy things lately.
I'm sure you, my wonderful readers (!), must be thinking that nothing good ever happens.
I just don't write about the uneventful stuff...So this is rare.
I had an embarrassing moment at lunch today, but nothing tragic. Just laughably awkward.
Brianna, ANF (Who is no longer a new friend - but still Awesome - so I will refer to him anonymously as "X"), and I were eating lunch together and talking about My Little Pony. It was just the three of us, and it was great. I don't know if I've laughed so hard in a long time. Then Russ showed up.
He started talking about a mutual friend of ours (W.) who has met a girl. Apparently W. doesn't realize that the girl returns his feelings. I said, "Guys are completely oblivious when a girl likes them. They don't understand subtle signals."
"X" got very quiet. Sometime later he said, "I'm gonna be paranoid of every girl I hang out with now. What if one of them likes me and I'm too stupid to see it?" (You are, you are, you are!) I asked him how many girls he hangs out with regularly. He said "Like a half-dozen. But 3 aren't in the "right situation." (I do believe that means "available.")
I think I know these three girls. One who turned him down, Brianna, and Me.
I bet my face turned all shades of red. Hopefully no one saw.
Anyway, I can't say I haven't tried. I've met other guys on the internet & stuff, and while they're mostly sweet and/or attractive, I always find myself falling for real-life friends. Especially friends who have been in my life for months & never left...
At least, when I eventually get turned down by this one, we will probably still talk after.
Or maybe I'll learn to avoid him too. But we have most of the same friends, so it would be difficult.
Change of plans: He will never know.

Thought Questions #3

"In the last week, name one moment that stuck out to you."

Oh dear Lord, fall break is boring. I could write a whole post about how much I wish it was Tuesday again, but who would read it?
(Even if I lived close enough to home to leave for fall break, I would still stay. I don't have my own room anywhere but my apartment, and I doubt any of my family members would be excited to spend 5 days with me. Which is why I'm couch-hopping and staying with friends over Christmas...)


Anyway. Fun times? Thursday was awesome. It ended awesomely, at least. During the morning (Soul Food), I was incredibly depressed, dreading the time when all my friends would leave Cookeville and go back home to their happy families and home cooked meals. I was a little jealous and feeling sorry for myself...all day.
That night, I didn't go to International Night like I usually do. (For non-BCMers, this is another free meal and time spent with a couple friends who make me happy.) I went to a poetry reading with Daniel because I wanted to get to know him better, and he's so busy -- we almost never get to hang out alone. (Though I hope that changes soon? We did get a chance to spend some time talking one on one Friday night. It was also pretty freaking awesome.) I loved their free food at the Backdoor Playhouse almost more than the BCM food. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cheap/free meal. :)

D. had to leave the poetry reading early to go write a paper, and I wasn't ready to go home yet.
No one I knew was left at the BCM, so I decided to go to this fall festival thing at the UC. I had remembered Kevin talking about it, but I didn't know if anyone I knew would actually show up there. I decided it was worth a shot.

And it was SO MUCH FUN. Not only did I get more free food (italian ice, funnel cakes, cotton candy and chips!), but it was like a dance and a party at the same time...with none of the misery & drama of high school dances. I actually ended up knowing a lot of people there (Ben & James & Kevin to start with...I met a few girls later who are new friends now!) All the new people I met were great. It just simply amazes me...I've met more people than I can keep track of in Cookeville, and I have yet to run into one real bully. A couple people who don't watch their words sometimes, but I haven't met anyone who's deliberately mean. Southern hospitality is awesome. XD

I was out late getting hopped up on sugar, dancing, taking funny pictures, and lots of other randomness. The next day, I was so sleep deprived, but it was worth it! If everyone I know has to leave town for the long weekend, at least I had fun before they left. Now, if only Tuesday would come faster. There are many, many people I want to tackle.

Thought Questions #1

Due to a serious case of writer's block, I've decided to let another website decide what I'm going to write about. http://www.thoughtquestions.com has questions sent to their site daily that can't be answered with a yes or a no. Until I have a creative topic, I will use them for motivation.

Today's question is: "How would you describe happiness in your own words?"

To me, happiness wasn't blowing a big check at the mall. (Yes, it was fun wearing all the new clothes afterwards, but I only impulse-shopped when I was desperately lonely.) It's not drinking until the sadness goes away, though I've done that too. I have moments in my life when I feel like I'm truly, honestly happy. Those that know me have seen that I'm quite a pessimistic individual, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy life. I love life, especially when my expectations are proven wrong.

Happiness is...
getting lost in a church song & when it's over, realizing you haven't noticed anything else happening outside of the music.

looking down at the top of the hill on your bike and letting go of the brakes, then feeling the wind on you as you fly.

panting for breath after swimming laps, but ducking under the water again because even though you're tired, the endorphins make you feel high on life.

nailing a spike/bump in volleyball, even if the game is just for fun, and everyone high-fives you and smiles.

knowing a glazed donut will make you twitch like a caffinated squirrel later, but eating it anyway because it just tastes so good.

studying for hours for a class, and getting the test back with an A, reminding you that cramming has a purpose.

running into somebody you didn't expect to see.

hearing a song that describes your feelings in words you never would have thought of.

someone telling you that you look pretty, even when you don't feel pretty.

having a closet full of clean laundry.

an aquaintance buying your dinner, no strings attached, because they also know what it's like to go without food and they want to pay it forward.

doing (and receiving) random acts of kindness.

a late-night text that says "happy dreams :)"

an unexpected phone call with good news (this will possibly be my next post!)

friends who don't leave you, even though they could find better.

pets who love you unconditionally, even when you can only feed them butter and mayonnaise at the end of the month.

struggling for years to just survive, and being able to relax because money/friends/entertainment/love/support is popping up in places you'd never, ever expect.

Random Act Of Kindness

Before I go into the plot of the story, I should introduce the cast.
Cory - Guy I'm dating. We hang out sometimes. :P
Ben - Really cool church friend.
John Aaron (JA) - Youth leader at the BCM.

So. There's this trip I impulsively decided I wanted to go on. Or more so, I realized all my friends were going (most of them, anyway), and I didn't want to feel left out. Plus, I think getting out of town for a weekend will force me out of my comfort zone, and hopefully improve my anxiety in the long run. ANYWAY, I wanted to go, but couldn't come up with the money.

I had posted a Facebook status about hoping for a miracle. Not asking for anything, I just wanted to vent a little. I texted Ben about it the next day (he is like my personal twitter, I text him everything lol), and he offered to help me out. I hesitated for a little while, but he reassured me it was no big deal, so I accepted his offer.

Later on, I was eating pancakes at the BCM with Cory when JA walked by me and said, "Hey, you're all ready to go for Fall Focus."
I said, "I know. Ben paid for me."
JA said, "No, I think it was a girl who paid."
Me: "I just talked to him. He said he'd pay."
JA: "He came in to talk to me, but someone had already covered you."

I was too shocked for words. Maybe $30 isn't much to some people here, but it's a lot for me. If I lost $30 paying an unnecessary expense, I'd feel it for the rest of the month. I was touched by the somewhat generous gift. I'm nothing, I don't deserve it, Why is this random person being so nice to me? <-- Those were the thoughts going through my head.

I still don't understand who would help me and expect nothing in return. Since I don't know her name, I can't pay her back. So I'm going to pay it forward instead. Perhaps not with money, but with a kind deed somehow. If I get into the community service sorority I'm rushing this week, that should give me an opportunity to give back. And if I don't, I will find another way.

Because I am so grateful.

Church, new friends, and the sad lack of a roommate.

I want to write more, I really do, but my internet still isn't working at home. Yep, that means I've had absolutely terrible luck finding a roommate. After one LSN response, I haven't heard ANYTHING. I would really like someone to rent out my spare room so I can afford to get my 'net fixed...and maybe, eventually get cable. Then I can go back to writing a few times a week.

Anyway. I'm halfway done with my third week of school. I kinda feel like I've been here for months. Technically, I HAVE been, but summer is a whole 'nother season...I hardly see my summer friends anymore. Brianna and I eat lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but we haven't gotten a chance to hang out yet. Kyle texted me yesterday, and I wanted to visit, but there just wasn't time. :( Shawn and I talk a couple times a week. I wish we could hang out so we could FINALLY make a successful mentos bomb. Adrian and I don't talk anymore, which is sad, but understandable. I wish we could have stayed on friendly terms though. He was fun to hang out with.
These days, I spend most of my time with the same few people.

I met Ben at a BCM function called Freshman Survival. (He's actually a freshman. Obviously, I'm not.) Yeah, that means I gave in and joined BCM after all. It's not as bad here as it was in Williamsburg. No one's really mentioned politics yet. XD Listening to all the worship songs still makes me nervous, though. People get so emotional!! Lutheran churches are very quiet and subdued, compared to the churches these people grew up in. Even when I get all this religion stuff figured out (if ever), I can't see myself as one of those girls with her hands in the air and tears streaming down her face. That's just not me. At church, I can't make myself feel anything.

Anyway, Ben is a great friend. We text a lot (my phone has literally died a few times lol), but going to the pool has to be the most fun thing we do. There's just something about spending a hot afternoon in cold water, knowing class is done for the day, and there's nothing but fun ahead until the next morning. :D I never want to look ugly around him, because he takes pictures of EVERYTHING. :P

The other girls in BCM are really nice too, though I still wonder if I don't end up being "converted," will they still like me? I would hope so. Friendship should be stronger than that.

And I'm dating someone. :) His name is Cory. He's pretty cool. We met on the internet, but we know a lot of the same people. I joke that September 11th will be a good day to remember now. His friends share a big house, and they're all really accepting. And guess what? There are girls there! And I didn't even have to pay money to meet them. XD

I imagine, eventually I'll spend more time there than I do at my own apartment. I'm rarely there as it is. I still haven't cleaned. Since I can't afford paper towels, a mop, or a trash can, it is a quite difficult task. Which brings me back to the roommate problem. I really wish I had one.

(In my next post, I will explain why I decided to move to Cookeville and apply at TTU.)

Bucket List!

I figure I should have this written down somewhere. :) I'm sure I'll add to it as time goes on and I see more opportunities for adventure!

- Get married
- Have a child
- Step in both oceans
- Tour a city in Canada
- Take a road trip (driving, no buses!)
- Go to a non-school-sponsored concert
- Sell a piece of art I made
- Have a speaking role in a community play
- Publish a book
- See my name in movie/TV credits (ANYWHERE!)
- Join a church
- Have a conversation with someone in a foreign language
- Spend a holiday in New York City or Chicago
- Live in my own house
- Create a successful youtube webshow
- Volunteer at a homeless shelter
- Rescue an abandoned animal
(Just realized I did this one! Sorry for forgetting you, Sobe!)
- Fly in a plane
- Be told I made a difference in someone's life.

Eulogy for a phone.

I found you at Walmart, just days after the tornado hit.
You were my first companion, when this was still a new town.
I'm sorry I ran over you when I first took my bike out exploring.
You were slightly damaged but recovered well.
You took a lot of abuse.
I guess it was just too much to handle anymore.
But why now? Why, I ask, did you have to die
When I had just filled you up with new minutes
and need you for important calls?
Though I'd rather not replace you, being on a fixed income
and saving everything I can for new furniture,
I know that I must.
You will not be forgotten.
Rest in pieces.