I think we proved them wrong.

Wow.
My last post has been up for slightly over 24 hours, and it's already my third most-read entry in blog history.
I don't know who all of my readers are. Some might be here just to follow the chaos, but I know for sure that Ms. Anon was very wrong about one thing. I do have true friends. (And bad friends too, but who doesn't?) I never told Brianna or Shawn to stick up for me. I didn't even tell them to read my blog. They did all that on their own.
Also...in response to Blog-God's (and YSE's) prompting, I went to a girls' Bible study last night in an attempt to make more female friends. I talked to Kelly for awhile, but other than that there wasn't time to make conversation with other girls. Now I'm sure YSE goes to the BCM! She was probably even in that circle of girls last night! The topic of the Bible study was oddly similar to some of the advice that was in my letter.
High point: I liked hearing that the older BCM girls have dealt with some of the same problems I have. When I saw them at church events, I used to be jealous because I thought their "dark secrets" were so much more trivial than mine. I thought their biggest regrets would be getting in an argument with their parents or sneaking a wine cooler or something. I feel significantly less "screwed up" after hearing that even "good church girls" have been in toxic relationships and dealt with family drama.
Low point: One of the girls mentioned not having heart-to-heart conversations with guys...not telling them emotional events in your life because it builds an attachment. (Don't all friendships? Even female ones?) I'm sure I raised an eyebrow then. Maybe I'm just looking at it with the heart of a "foreigner." Two of my closest friends are guys. Imagining not being able to tell them half the things I do now? I feel like our friendships would be very stunted. It's a natural progression, to reveal more of yourself to a person as you get to know them better. (However, I do agree that it's good to watch physical boundaries. Some guys ARE only out for one thing. Internet guys outside of Justin and Shawn, I'm looking at YOU!)

Anyway...instead of letting tiny disagreements get to me, I managed to enjoy the girls' night. I will probably go to more of them. (Since there are no awkward guy encounters...) I don't have to agree with everything I learn in order to benefit from it. So this goes out to you, YSE. I do take your advice to heart. Whether I act on all of it or not is up to me, but I do give it all some thought. I'm awkward and tend to stick to the familiar, but I have been branching out! And because of that, I have found wonderful friends in the oddest of places. I partially have you to thank for that! :)

P.S. - I'm also taking YSE's advice and using it to help other people. "Guy X" is shy and awkward himself, just like me, but with my encouragment (and a bit of prodding!) he's expanding his circle of friends too. (Though I do try to save a bit of time for us to hang out alone. XD) & I've never seen him so happy! :)
In the words of Ben...(one of my *gasp*oh no!closeguyfriends!*), "Spread the awesomeness."

"The Secret Encourager"

I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...

Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.

Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.

Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.

Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.

Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.

awkwardness & anonymous letters

I saw him again.
Not one of the cool guys who make me happy (of which there are 3). I see them almost every day.
The subject of my avoidance, and my reason for quitting the B.
I am so pathetic.
I was at the UC - going upstairs from the basement to the first floor.
Saw him sitting with one of his friends (who is also one of my friends). The friend waved at me...then Bam.
I turned right around and went back downstairs. I ended up taking the elevator so I could go out a different door.
That little voice in my head that whispers, "you weren't good enough" becomes more of a scream the closer I get to him.
However, when I'm around my new distractions, I'm pretty happy. And something good/weird has been happening lately, which is what I'll be blogging about today.
After the explosion of fail that happened last week, I've gotten 3 anonymous letters in my mailbox.
They call themselves "my secret encourager." I don't know if it's a girl or a guy, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl because the letters are written in gel pen.
This person even sent me a handmade birthday card! Even weirder yet, I've been getting e-mails from "God."
It's not all bible verses or generic happy words. Whoever is sending these e-mails knows me well. They know I've had trouble with guys and that my self-confidence really sucks.
I would LOVE to know who these people are, because no one's ever done something like this for me before.
I mean, nothing they say can ever get me to go back to the BCM. That will happen on my own time. I'm absolutely not ready for that yet.
But this person does encourage me to keep a close eye on my religious life.
I don't want to turn bitter again. They're reminding me that not all Christians are letdowns.
Yes, I need to be reminded of that sometimes.
Sam goes to the Church of Christ, but the rest of the new people I've been spending time with are mostly Atheists. I don't mind. I can be friends with anybody, but I would like an equal amount of church-going and nonreligious friends, so I know what I believe is through my own thoughts and self-reflection, not because my friends are peer-pressuring me to think a certain way.
It's also rather hard to keep going to church when no one invites me. I just feel too weird walking in and sitting down by myself.
Such is the life of a college student at a school that clears out on Fridays...
So what do I have going on this weekend, besides practicing my not-so-awesome avoidance skills?
After this class (yes, I'm typing in history), Sam and I are going to Starbucks. Tonight, the SG is meeting for some game (by the way, ANF and I are still getting along very well...) so I'll sit and watch and try to make myself hyper, then Cana and I are going to the Breaking Dawn premiere. (SO EXCITED!) Today will be a very long day...
But for the weekend, I've got nothing.
Oh, besides ordering bus tickets to go home, where life will bore me to tears but it will be otherwise normal. I'm needing some normalcy.

With this post, I say my goodbyes to the BCM.

I had thought about making this post yesterday, but I decided I'd "sleep on it" and see if anything changed once morning came. So for anyone who thinks I'm speaking (writing?) in the heat of the moment, I'm not. I'm typing logically, I promise.
I suppose people should know why I probably won't be at Common Ground on Tuesday to wrap the Operation Christmas Child presents. I don't want to get like 5 texts asking what's up. Oh, I've been thinking about this for awhile. There is a very specific reason I went to the UCSC with Sam last week. (And I would have gone this week too, but he went home for the weekend.) For awhile, I was considering spending time at both places. I was incredibly busy, but I could manage being in two places at once, so to speak.
And then, last night happened. I was just clicking through some old pictures when I (accidentally) realized that a fellow BCM-er blocked me on Facebook. I had unfriended him a few days ago - which is what I do when I'm no longer interested in receiving updates about a person's life. But I only block people when I have been stalked relentlessly, harassed, or otherwise seriously offended.
And if he thinks like me at all, I must have done something terribly wrong for him to want to deliberately erase me from his (e)-life. So I am doing the respectful thing and keeping my distance. I refuse to be antagonistic and invade his space...and the BCM is his space.
(Other random thing I've noticed = The only times I have had "bad moments"-- outside of financial reasons, since coming to Cookeville -- were because of things that had happened at the BCM. I have never left any other event or social group in a hopelessly depressed mood.)
I suppose I'll still go to events if someone invites me, but not by myself. I don't know if I'll still go to English hour or not. I'll try it once and see how I feel after. If I can still find a way to go to my community group, I will. They have been nothing but good to me.
So what will I do with the extra time? I don't have any exciting adventures planned up to now, but maybe I'll run into something. I do need to get my apartment cleaned out before Christmas break, but you all know how badly I procrastinate...Oh, I'll miss the cheap/free food...
For lunch on Thursdays, I have people to sit with. Brianna is always at Swoops during dead hour, along with my favorite member of the SG, who will now be nicknamed ANF (Awesome New Friend), and people that they both know. On Thursday nights, the SG spends their time in Jobe Hall, and there is always room for me. I don't have to worry about being lonely. ANF & I ate lunch together every single day last week. I think he likes to make sure that I'm not sad after seeing the void that K left.
I'm so excited for tonight, when the new people come back from wherever they went for the weekend. If I focus on putting more effort into this group, I think life will make a turn for the better, and I'll come home sad much less often.

Post-rush/Burnout.

I shouldn't avoid e-mails or delete text messages.
But that's what I've been doing because I despise confrontation.
Please don't think of me negatively, girls I hardly know...
I was so grateful for the bid from OPA.
But I just can't go through with pledging. I thought I could handle it, but there is No. Way.
I read online about the dues waiver, and thought it would be no problem. Then I saw the form. There were tons of questions asking where every bit of my money comes and goes...like that itself is supposed to define whether I could make the payment or not.
Yes, I have lots of free time. That does not mean I am not depressingly poor.
I would love to have a part time job, but I know that is out of my reach for at least a couple more years.
Do I need to throw away half of my monthly food budget (what seems like it) on cat food & litter?
For my sanity's sake, yes.
I can't afford to set up a payment plan, or donate to charity. I receive charity myself. I really have nothing left to give. I don't know where my money goes every month. It just flies away, and there is never, ever enough.
It's hard enough funding my BCM habit, when it comes to trips, t-shirts, food, etc.
Speaking of, I have to give up on the spring break trip. There just isn't a spare $50 anywhere, and I don't think I can fundraise for the deposit.
It's sad, but hopefully I'll make local friends (for free) by then, so I won't have to stay here for a week all by myself.
The free friends all come from the internet.
(unless they need gas money, and then they're expensive too.)
So until then, that's where I'll be.

Thought Questions #2

Yesterday's TQ: "Who have you been thinking about recently?"
That question isn't being answered. I'm not embarrassing myself and jumping into another volcano of drama. No one will ever, ever know.

So I'll just talk about church again.
(Or whatever Common Ground calls itself.)

Sometimes I have these crazy emotional moments where I just want to sing as loud as my voice will let me, and I just pray & feel at peace. But shortly after, my mood has a shift. That pure happiness can only last for a couple hours at most. Then I wake up really, really depressed.

Don't get me wrong, I would never "almost die" again. But I start to wish I had never been born in the first place. That's how bad it is. Honestly, right now I feel like the entire planet would be better off without me. But I won't do anything because I know the feeling will pass.

I don't think that's how church is supposed to make you feel.
I was so confused for a long time (like years), but I think I've figured out the psychology behind my insanity.
I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I don't like hearing intense, spiritual music and realizing I can't save myself.
I base my entire life around being strong, and when I'm forced to feel weak, I can't stand myself. And then I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I still don't.
I just pray. A lot. Is that enough?

And so begins the inner turmoil, wondering if BCM events 3 times a week is good for me. Deep down, I know it is. But the emotional roller coaster is wearing me down.
Why can't I just feel (or act) happy all the time like the rest of the "church people?"

I thought I was gonna die...and then I didn't.

First, before I get into the important part of the story, I have to sadly admit, Fall Focus didn't change my life. I wasn't in the right mindset to enjoy it. First of all, I realized about halfway through, that I was there for the wrong reasons. I just wanted my BCM friends to like me. That's why I went originally. I thought they'd think I was of lower status than them, and therefore not worthy of their company, if I skipped out. Secondly, I was soooo drugged. Everything passed by in a haze. The car ride went by with few problems, but Unisom Sleep Melts (available at Walgreens for 7.99, for all you fellow uninsured anxiety-sufferers) work a little too well.

Half because of the pills working their magic, and half because I felt so incredibly inadequate compared to these other people who came to FF for the RIGHT reasons, I isolated myself from the group on purpose. While everyone else was singing, I sat outside on a wooden bench, counting down the minutes till I could go home. I kept reminding myself that as soon as I was out of Lebanon, I could be back at home (Or Cory's. Or Kevin's. Wherever), partying my frustrations away and forgetting about how confused I was.

When Cana and I left the last worship session, I was forced out of my drug-induced haze. I wouldn't call what happened to me in the parking lot a panic attack. It was worse than that. I felt physically ill. If I had been shaking any harder, I swear people would have thought I was having a seizure. I almost threw up, and my heart was beating faster than it had ever beat before. My legs got weak and I was sure I'd pass out. (But I didn't.) I think what happened, is that suddenly, there were no more sedatives in my system, and my body had a hard time adjusting. I tried so hard to keep myself from feeling stressed or scared, that I hurt my body from the inside out in the process. Cana didn't laugh at me or call me a freak. She walked around the parking lot with me, and prayed with me.

On our way home, she said something that hit me. I don't remember what it was, but suddenly I realized, God was bigger than any moment of panic. And I stopped shaking so hard. She said something to the likes of, I can't comprehend why things are they way they are, but He can. So I did something pretty shocking this morning. I woke up early and went to church. And I enjoyed it. I kinda avoid church because the crowds stress me out, but today, I sat still the whole time. Maybe that's just a one-time miracle, but I'm hoping it was part of something bigger.

All in all, I didn't get much out of FF while I was there, but after I left, I had a pretty powerful moment. So I don't regret going. Random stranger, thank you again.

Impending doom.

Okay, so maybe it's not that bad. But it feels like it.
I have such a silly phobia. Who could possibly dread something as innocent and common place as a car ride to a town less than an hour away? ...I do.
My neighbor, Kevin, asked me why car rides are so hard on me. I couldn't answer him.

Ever since I was a little kid, I HATED them. As I grew older, a general distaste for road trips grew into a full-blown anxiety disorder that required multiple prescriptions just to get me to school in the morning. (I lived 8 miles from my school, btw. Not far at all.) At least I'm not as bad off as I was then. I could hardly get to the grocery store some days. (Less than 2 miles.) And somehow, I DID make it all the way to Nashville without getting kicked off the Greyhound bus. (Though I DID have to lock myself in the bathroom a few times so I couldn't see out of the windows.)

Honestly, it's impossible to understand unless you've been there yourself. I'll be sitting in the passenger seat (I don't know if I will ever be able to drive. Hopefully someday, but I'm sure I'll always hate it.), talking, reading, listening to music, etc., and then something snaps in my brain. Suddenly, sounds are louder (unbearably loud, if it's music), lights are brighter, and I feel like I've been shot out of a cannon, rather than moving along the highway at a normal pace. If I don't have an opportunity to get out of the car at that moment, then the true panic sets in.

Imagine you start shivering and sweating at the same time. You're nauseous and dizzy, and you feel like someone is squeezing your midsection so tightly that a deep breath is impossible. All the color drains from your face, you want to scream, explode, die, ANYTHING but sit in that car...and everyone around you is frantic. "ARE YOU OKAY?" No. Not okay. Rolling down the windows doesn't help, turning on AC doesn't help (sudden change in noise = more stress, better to just keep things how they are), and speeding faster certainly doesn't help. The only thing that can stop it is time.

This is why I don't like riding in cars with strangers. Even if I warn them beforehand, they never care to distract me when it actually happens. My mom was great at that. She'd ask me questions and keep me talking before the anxiety even started. Kristi and Karen were also wonderful drivers, because they've dealt with attacks themselves. I'm praying with all my heart to the gods of sanity that I can get a ride with a patient friend who will keep me talking, and therefore feeling a bit more sane, so I can enjoy the trip, and not end up disappointing the random stranger who paid for me to go in the first place. Wish me luck.

Random Act Of Kindness

Before I go into the plot of the story, I should introduce the cast.
Cory - Guy I'm dating. We hang out sometimes. :P
Ben - Really cool church friend.
John Aaron (JA) - Youth leader at the BCM.

So. There's this trip I impulsively decided I wanted to go on. Or more so, I realized all my friends were going (most of them, anyway), and I didn't want to feel left out. Plus, I think getting out of town for a weekend will force me out of my comfort zone, and hopefully improve my anxiety in the long run. ANYWAY, I wanted to go, but couldn't come up with the money.

I had posted a Facebook status about hoping for a miracle. Not asking for anything, I just wanted to vent a little. I texted Ben about it the next day (he is like my personal twitter, I text him everything lol), and he offered to help me out. I hesitated for a little while, but he reassured me it was no big deal, so I accepted his offer.

Later on, I was eating pancakes at the BCM with Cory when JA walked by me and said, "Hey, you're all ready to go for Fall Focus."
I said, "I know. Ben paid for me."
JA said, "No, I think it was a girl who paid."
Me: "I just talked to him. He said he'd pay."
JA: "He came in to talk to me, but someone had already covered you."

I was too shocked for words. Maybe $30 isn't much to some people here, but it's a lot for me. If I lost $30 paying an unnecessary expense, I'd feel it for the rest of the month. I was touched by the somewhat generous gift. I'm nothing, I don't deserve it, Why is this random person being so nice to me? <-- Those were the thoughts going through my head.

I still don't understand who would help me and expect nothing in return. Since I don't know her name, I can't pay her back. So I'm going to pay it forward instead. Perhaps not with money, but with a kind deed somehow. If I get into the community service sorority I'm rushing this week, that should give me an opportunity to give back. And if I don't, I will find another way.

Because I am so grateful.

Church, new friends, and the sad lack of a roommate.

I want to write more, I really do, but my internet still isn't working at home. Yep, that means I've had absolutely terrible luck finding a roommate. After one LSN response, I haven't heard ANYTHING. I would really like someone to rent out my spare room so I can afford to get my 'net fixed...and maybe, eventually get cable. Then I can go back to writing a few times a week.

Anyway. I'm halfway done with my third week of school. I kinda feel like I've been here for months. Technically, I HAVE been, but summer is a whole 'nother season...I hardly see my summer friends anymore. Brianna and I eat lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but we haven't gotten a chance to hang out yet. Kyle texted me yesterday, and I wanted to visit, but there just wasn't time. :( Shawn and I talk a couple times a week. I wish we could hang out so we could FINALLY make a successful mentos bomb. Adrian and I don't talk anymore, which is sad, but understandable. I wish we could have stayed on friendly terms though. He was fun to hang out with.
These days, I spend most of my time with the same few people.

I met Ben at a BCM function called Freshman Survival. (He's actually a freshman. Obviously, I'm not.) Yeah, that means I gave in and joined BCM after all. It's not as bad here as it was in Williamsburg. No one's really mentioned politics yet. XD Listening to all the worship songs still makes me nervous, though. People get so emotional!! Lutheran churches are very quiet and subdued, compared to the churches these people grew up in. Even when I get all this religion stuff figured out (if ever), I can't see myself as one of those girls with her hands in the air and tears streaming down her face. That's just not me. At church, I can't make myself feel anything.

Anyway, Ben is a great friend. We text a lot (my phone has literally died a few times lol), but going to the pool has to be the most fun thing we do. There's just something about spending a hot afternoon in cold water, knowing class is done for the day, and there's nothing but fun ahead until the next morning. :D I never want to look ugly around him, because he takes pictures of EVERYTHING. :P

The other girls in BCM are really nice too, though I still wonder if I don't end up being "converted," will they still like me? I would hope so. Friendship should be stronger than that.

And I'm dating someone. :) His name is Cory. He's pretty cool. We met on the internet, but we know a lot of the same people. I joke that September 11th will be a good day to remember now. His friends share a big house, and they're all really accepting. And guess what? There are girls there! And I didn't even have to pay money to meet them. XD

I imagine, eventually I'll spend more time there than I do at my own apartment. I'm rarely there as it is. I still haven't cleaned. Since I can't afford paper towels, a mop, or a trash can, it is a quite difficult task. Which brings me back to the roommate problem. I really wish I had one.

(In my next post, I will explain why I decided to move to Cookeville and apply at TTU.)