One week. o_0

Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company.  Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,  
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.

I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.

"The Secret Encourager"

I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...

Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.

Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.

Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.

Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.

Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.

Going home...and more impending doom?

On Friday night, I ordered my bus tickets for Christmas break. What a trip that will be.
I have to catch a shuttle van to Nashville here at noon, and since the greyhound bus doesn't leave until 6:45 PM, I'll be spending most of my day in the bus station. After that is a 24 hour ride to North Dakota, where I'm staying at one of my cousins' house overnight.
I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. It's just become such an integral part of my existence: I. Don't. Leave. Town. Going to Lebanon for Fall Focus in September took unhealthy amounts of sedatives. That was 40 miles away. I had a massive anxiety attack going to the edge of city limits today, though that was probably brought on by eating too much food that made me nauseous and uncomfortable.
I think about it a lot...and still, I'm not as terrified about going home as much as I would be going to Sparta. Less than 20 miles from here. I suppose it's all about being surrounded by the familiar. Then again, this bus route is different from the usual ones...It's going through St. Louis, Kansas City, and Sioux Falls rather than Chicago and Louisville. That will be unfamiliar too! *screams silently*
My most comforting thought is that bus rides are always easier. No one looks at you differently if you bring along huge bags filled with entertainment (books, magazines, coloring books, electronic stuffs) and knock yourself out with sleeping pills once every couple hours. (Oh, how I wish I could have insurance to get prescription Xanax...it worked wonders...) Most people there are doing the same thing...and there is always that little bathroom for me to lock myself into if I just can't stand looking out the window anymore.
"So? Just stay home." That thought has crossed my mind, but the anticipation of spending 3 weeks by myself seems more worthy of dread than 24 hours trapped on a moving vehicle. Spending 3 or 4 DAYS alone for Thanksgiving will be tragic enough.
I pray that when I get home, I'll be distracted with good things. If I end up rotting in my dad's attic eating ramen and watching hour after hour of MTV, that is no holiday. If it were my choice, I'd spend a couple days seeing my "real" family, spend a weekend with Kristi and all the kids, and waste the rest of the time in Moorhead where I would be close to shopping, a nice library, and all my old solitary hang-outs.
I'm not excited for the semester to be over because to me, this IS home. It's where I feel loved and wanted, and where I feel safest. I've dealt with a lot of loss here, but not irreparable loss. For every friend lost, another one falls into place.(BTW, that one cool guy I've mentioned before? We're finally hanging out alone now and again...) That's not the case with family. For example, someone I don't even know is living in my mom's house right now. That's the only "holiday place" I've ever known, except for Karen's, and Staples is so isolated that I don't think I could spend much of my break there...
Everyone has their "season of joy." Mine will be when spring semester starts and I can look forward to another 4 months where I don't have to leave city limits. (Oh, except for Nashville...but that will be nothing but happy.) The only thing worth dreading AFTER the long bus ride back to Tennessee? ...Valentine's Day.

Thought Questions #2

Yesterday's TQ: "Who have you been thinking about recently?"
That question isn't being answered. I'm not embarrassing myself and jumping into another volcano of drama. No one will ever, ever know.

So I'll just talk about church again.
(Or whatever Common Ground calls itself.)

Sometimes I have these crazy emotional moments where I just want to sing as loud as my voice will let me, and I just pray & feel at peace. But shortly after, my mood has a shift. That pure happiness can only last for a couple hours at most. Then I wake up really, really depressed.

Don't get me wrong, I would never "almost die" again. But I start to wish I had never been born in the first place. That's how bad it is. Honestly, right now I feel like the entire planet would be better off without me. But I won't do anything because I know the feeling will pass.

I don't think that's how church is supposed to make you feel.
I was so confused for a long time (like years), but I think I've figured out the psychology behind my insanity.
I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I don't like hearing intense, spiritual music and realizing I can't save myself.
I base my entire life around being strong, and when I'm forced to feel weak, I can't stand myself. And then I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I still don't.
I just pray. A lot. Is that enough?

And so begins the inner turmoil, wondering if BCM events 3 times a week is good for me. Deep down, I know it is. But the emotional roller coaster is wearing me down.
Why can't I just feel (or act) happy all the time like the rest of the "church people?"

I thought I was gonna die...and then I didn't.

First, before I get into the important part of the story, I have to sadly admit, Fall Focus didn't change my life. I wasn't in the right mindset to enjoy it. First of all, I realized about halfway through, that I was there for the wrong reasons. I just wanted my BCM friends to like me. That's why I went originally. I thought they'd think I was of lower status than them, and therefore not worthy of their company, if I skipped out. Secondly, I was soooo drugged. Everything passed by in a haze. The car ride went by with few problems, but Unisom Sleep Melts (available at Walgreens for 7.99, for all you fellow uninsured anxiety-sufferers) work a little too well.

Half because of the pills working their magic, and half because I felt so incredibly inadequate compared to these other people who came to FF for the RIGHT reasons, I isolated myself from the group on purpose. While everyone else was singing, I sat outside on a wooden bench, counting down the minutes till I could go home. I kept reminding myself that as soon as I was out of Lebanon, I could be back at home (Or Cory's. Or Kevin's. Wherever), partying my frustrations away and forgetting about how confused I was.

When Cana and I left the last worship session, I was forced out of my drug-induced haze. I wouldn't call what happened to me in the parking lot a panic attack. It was worse than that. I felt physically ill. If I had been shaking any harder, I swear people would have thought I was having a seizure. I almost threw up, and my heart was beating faster than it had ever beat before. My legs got weak and I was sure I'd pass out. (But I didn't.) I think what happened, is that suddenly, there were no more sedatives in my system, and my body had a hard time adjusting. I tried so hard to keep myself from feeling stressed or scared, that I hurt my body from the inside out in the process. Cana didn't laugh at me or call me a freak. She walked around the parking lot with me, and prayed with me.

On our way home, she said something that hit me. I don't remember what it was, but suddenly I realized, God was bigger than any moment of panic. And I stopped shaking so hard. She said something to the likes of, I can't comprehend why things are they way they are, but He can. So I did something pretty shocking this morning. I woke up early and went to church. And I enjoyed it. I kinda avoid church because the crowds stress me out, but today, I sat still the whole time. Maybe that's just a one-time miracle, but I'm hoping it was part of something bigger.

All in all, I didn't get much out of FF while I was there, but after I left, I had a pretty powerful moment. So I don't regret going. Random stranger, thank you again.

Impending doom.

Okay, so maybe it's not that bad. But it feels like it.
I have such a silly phobia. Who could possibly dread something as innocent and common place as a car ride to a town less than an hour away? ...I do.
My neighbor, Kevin, asked me why car rides are so hard on me. I couldn't answer him.

Ever since I was a little kid, I HATED them. As I grew older, a general distaste for road trips grew into a full-blown anxiety disorder that required multiple prescriptions just to get me to school in the morning. (I lived 8 miles from my school, btw. Not far at all.) At least I'm not as bad off as I was then. I could hardly get to the grocery store some days. (Less than 2 miles.) And somehow, I DID make it all the way to Nashville without getting kicked off the Greyhound bus. (Though I DID have to lock myself in the bathroom a few times so I couldn't see out of the windows.)

Honestly, it's impossible to understand unless you've been there yourself. I'll be sitting in the passenger seat (I don't know if I will ever be able to drive. Hopefully someday, but I'm sure I'll always hate it.), talking, reading, listening to music, etc., and then something snaps in my brain. Suddenly, sounds are louder (unbearably loud, if it's music), lights are brighter, and I feel like I've been shot out of a cannon, rather than moving along the highway at a normal pace. If I don't have an opportunity to get out of the car at that moment, then the true panic sets in.

Imagine you start shivering and sweating at the same time. You're nauseous and dizzy, and you feel like someone is squeezing your midsection so tightly that a deep breath is impossible. All the color drains from your face, you want to scream, explode, die, ANYTHING but sit in that car...and everyone around you is frantic. "ARE YOU OKAY?" No. Not okay. Rolling down the windows doesn't help, turning on AC doesn't help (sudden change in noise = more stress, better to just keep things how they are), and speeding faster certainly doesn't help. The only thing that can stop it is time.

This is why I don't like riding in cars with strangers. Even if I warn them beforehand, they never care to distract me when it actually happens. My mom was great at that. She'd ask me questions and keep me talking before the anxiety even started. Kristi and Karen were also wonderful drivers, because they've dealt with attacks themselves. I'm praying with all my heart to the gods of sanity that I can get a ride with a patient friend who will keep me talking, and therefore feeling a bit more sane, so I can enjoy the trip, and not end up disappointing the random stranger who paid for me to go in the first place. Wish me luck.