Returning to where I once was.

I'm in Fargo again. Which for those of you who don't know, is where the bus dropped me off after that miserably long ride. I had planned on staying with an ex on the other side of the river, but for tonight I'm at my cousin's house again, because Brett's road trip ended up going longer than expected. I'll be heading that way tomorrow, to sip italian sodas at my favorite coffee shop and spend the day reading completely NON-educational books at the library.
My break is two-thirds over. Maybe a bit more?
I didn't blog at my dad's because his internet, for some reason, would not let me post the links to Facebook, and since no one reads my blogs without the Facebook links, I felt no need to write. Also, after the first few days, there wasn't much to write about.
Recap: I celebrated Christmas once in Staples with Kristi, Scott, and the kids. It was great seeing them again, but I was too sad and unenergetic to follow the kids around, or stay for more than a day.
The Tuesday after Christmas I went to my grandparents' house, where I stuffed myself with food and opened some really awesome presents.
I celebrated for the third time on New Years Eve with my mom's roommate, who bought me more awesome things, and I got to see Jack...the little siamese kitten that we got on the fourth of July (2010), who is now bordering on obese. I missed him. :)
Between the holiday-celebrations, I watched a lot of TV and tried to keep my dad's demon dogs from destroying everything I own. (This is why I'm a cat person...) I'm not complaining about being bored. True, sometimes I didn't know what to do with myself in such a small town, and sometimes I was really lonely, but I needed a break from chaos.
I also needed a break from trying to impress everyone and be "good enough." For the last two weeks, I was basically free to be myself and no one said anything about it. At Tech, Tyler/Kyle's friends mostly accepted me, no matter what kind of mess I turned out to be, but what do I have left now?
Yep, while I was at my dad's, I did things that my more "innocent" southern friends wouldn't approve of. I dropped a few swear words in casual conversation. I listened to angry music. I drank. A lot. ...on New Year's Eve, because I was so depressed thinking about going back to school so soon. When I was dizzy and talking to myself, I didn't think about how nice it would be to just disappear before more people can leave me. It was nice to not think.
I've gotten some cute texts over the last week that show me that starting school again may not be as bad as I'm expecting. But until I'm proven wrong I'll try my best to prepare myself for four months of fake smiles and constantly saying "Oh, I'm fine!" because that's what people want to hear.
When someone asks me that question, "How are you?" of course I'll never answer, "My heart is still broken into pieces because one of the few good people who said they wouldn't leave me broke their promise, and I'm only here because I have nowhere else to go, and while you're posting on Facebook about how blessed you are, because YOU don't have abandonment issues...I'm half tempted to drink myself stupid again just to numb myself...but how was YOUR break?"
I'll say, "Oh, Minnesota was cold. I did a lot of shopping, and now I don't have to borrow Ben's laptop anymore."
Both statements are true, but I know what people will listen to.
...which is part of the reason I wish I could stay here. (I rant and rave and complain and cry and people LISTEN. It's awesome.) I won't, of course. I'll be back in Cookeville to punch second semester in the face on January 9th.
But I think I've come to the realization that I'll only be in Tennessee to finish my degree. MAYBE, if someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me want to settle...I'll stick around for longer...

Life is full of surprises!

Christmas has made a pretty big turnaround today!
I wasn't really too excited about going to spend the day with my grandparents. They live way out in the country and the car ride is always pretty difficult...and since they don't speak English very well, I spend most of my time in silence since I don't know how to make myself understood.
But this time I swallowed the awkward and talked anyway. My grandma translated for my grandpa so they could both understand a bit...I showed them lots of pictures...Pictures are the same in every language!
I wonder if my aunt and Kelly (mom's old roomie) read my post about feeling kinda slighted by family as far as "stuff" goes haha...I never asked for anything that I got today...but I'm so grateful for all of it!
My cousin bought me like 5 new sweaters that are thin enough to wear in Tennessee... That's a week's worth of shopping I don't have to do now! I also got a new laptop case, a purse, and some jewelry from my aunt...(My grandma got a Coach bag from my uncle and I am so jealous...hahahaha) And...A LAPTOP!
But the absolute best thing was my uncle paying for my tickets to go to Nashville in April! Not only do I get to visit Tyler one time for FREE! ...but I can meet more girls too! And I don't have to work my butt off to get there...
I'm just shocked.
Not too depressed to get out of bed.
Utterly amazed...
that someone I hardly know would do something so nice for me!
I don't think I deserve it.

A year is a long time.

I spent most of the morning watching Netflix and youtube movies.Then I spent my afternoon at the library.
When my aunt got off work at 5, she came to get me and then I went to her house. In exchange for a fresh meal and someone to talk to, I helped her wrap presents, which (of course!) I enjoyed.
She gave me a really nice present. She got a family picture of my mom's side of the family + me blown up and she's putting it in a frame. I don't have any family pictures hanging up on my wall. It'll be nice to have one.
We talked about seeing my grandparents sometime over the break. The thought honestly stresses me out a little. I remember how they broke down sobbing when my aunt told them I was moving to Tennessee. I don't want to see them try to talk me out of moving back, because there's no way that's happening. She assured me that if they see that I'm happy, they'll be happy.
I'm still pretty sad right now. But I hope I'll find the right words to tell my grandparents that Cookeville is the right place for me to be. Yes, it was an impulsive decision that was made unusually quickly, but I have no regrets. Not just my grandparents...I want my entire family to know that I'm still standing strong in the belief that I did the best thing for myself by leaving.
At last year's Christmas party, I was in no shape to tell them anything. It was a month after my mom's funeral...Mike and I were having problems...my mind was all over the place. That memory is one of the things that made me so hesitant to come back at all...my dad's town is a place of loss and sadness.
I really don't like being here. If I could have spent the entire break in Fargo, I would have.
But I think I'm dealing with it really well.
This year, I have an identity and a life filled with amazing, loving people a thousand miles away from here, where no one even knows about this depressing black hole of a town.
That really helps.

the beautiful side of bad luck. ♥

Let's start at the beginning.
When I was little, my Christmas tradition was always the same. I would go to church at night on Christmas Eve, then after the service was over, my parents would drive me to my grandparents' house to eat and open presents. When we got home on Christmas day, I had a stocking waiting for me.
It was quiet and always predictable.
When I came back from my freshman year of college, I broke away from tradition by accident. James, one of my best friends from high school, invited me to his family's Christmas party that was supposed to happen on the 23rd. (For those of you who don't know, I had basically lived on his family's couch for the 6 months before I moved to Kentucky. -- Parents were in the middle of a divorce, I had just moved out on my own, and I had no desire to spend much time at "home.")
I had missed them all terribly for the 5 months I was gone, so I went to the party. The news had shown a winter storm warning on the weather forecast, but I wasn't about to let the weather get in the way of my fun.
It snowed 8 inches overnight. Could my mom have come to get me? Yes, probably, but she was paranoid about driving in bad weather. So I stayed with James and his siblings (ranging in ages 16 to 6) for my first Christmas ever. I was sad about waking up on Christmas and not having any presents to open, but they had actually bought presents for me and I didn't know it!
That year was filled with its own drama, but I still have so many special memories. Spending Christmas there was supposed to be a one-time thing, but last year, a little over a month after my mother's unexpected death, I asked to stay there one more time because I needed to stay close to what was familiar. Family members gave me their invitations, but I needed stability -- to stay with people I knew.
And it was awesome. All of the food, people, parties, and presents of the year before, with none of the drama.
Even if I had to eat ramen all weekend and not unwrap a single package, I would still go there again. Because Christmas is about spending time with people who love you, even when they don't have to. I love James, Shawn, Alex, and Amber like my own siblings. (If I had any.) I'm sad that I have to buy their presents late this year (ran out of money), but they'll get the best I can give them.
This is why I'm going home, even though I'd rather not get on that bus. I want to be there to see these kids grow up.
I do not ever want pity because I can't spend the holidays with my "own family."
I'll be sitting around the tree with people who make me happy. And that's just as good.

"The Secret Encourager"

I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...

Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.

Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.

Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.

Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.

Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.

"Happy Holidays" are not offensive words.

Everyone knows as soon as Thanksgiving is over, Christmas season officially starts. The trees are put up, presents are bought, and holiday songs come on the radio. And then...the debate happens.
A message board I read daily (mainly about nonreligious people adjusting to life & culture shock in the Bible Belt) mentions conservative bloggers and their indignation at store clerks wishing them "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas." They call this attempt at being "PC" the "War on Christmas" and they rant about how no one knows the true meaning of the holiday anymore.
Really, angry fundie bloggers? 
I mentioned this debate to my mom once, and what she said made sense. "There are multiple holidays in the Christmas season. Why should Christmas Day be the only happy one?" The store clerks aren't out to ruin your holiday. Their employers tell them what to say so that people who don't follow one specific religion are included in the well-wishes. Are Christians the only people deserving of a joyful month between Thanksgiving and New Year's? I do believe Jesus himself would want everyone to be happy.
At the moment, I am a liberal Christian at best, but for quite awhile I didn't believe in anything at all. People still wished me "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Easter" and I wasn't offended. If I was in a Jewish area and someone said "Happy Hannukah" to me, I wouldn't be bothered either. What is offensive about someone wishing for your day to be happy? Even if the way they celebrate it is different from yours?
So someone in your favorite store does not specifically say "Merry Christmas" to you. In the big picture, your holiday will not be one bit different. You are still free to go to church on Christmas Eve night (or however your denomination does it...), celebrate the birth of Jesus, and sing hymns. No One Is Stopping You. At the same time, people are also free to celebrate the secularized version and go Black Friday shopping, sing songs about Frosty and sleigh rides, and leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Or do both. Or none of it.
Every person in this country is free to celebrate the next coming month however they wish. No matter what religion/belief we are, if we focus on love, peace, and kindness to others, does the name of it really matter?
I think this holiday season is beautiful.
& to all my friends, family, and acquaintances who are Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ, Lutheran, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, Unitarian, Agnostic, Atheist or have no idea whatsoever...
Whatever you celebrate...
I hope you have a happy one. :)

All the Christmas shopping I didn't get to do...(wish list)

What?! It's Black Friday and I didn't go out shopping? This is a shock to my system. I feel like there is something missing from my day. Ah well, Cookeville doesn't have a mall worth visiting anyway. And who would drive me, even if I did have money left over? There is NO ONE here. It's 65 and sunny, absolutely perfect weather, and there is no one around to go walking with me. What a waste. So instead of enjoying myself, I'll sit here and think about all the Christmas shopping I would be doing if I wasn't broke and lonely. XD
There are 8 shiny, wrapped presents stacked in the corner of my bedroom right now. (There was supposed to be 10, but one friend said she's moving at the end of the semester & I don't know if I'd find her in time, and the other person skipped town without a warning. Thankfully I hadn't bought his gift yet.) My friend-shopping is basically done. I'd like to pick something up for Casey, because he's nice enough to invite me to the movies today (and pay for it?!) But guys are SO hard to shop for!
I wonder if anyone is out shopping for me today. I doubt it, considering how few birthday cards I got. I've come to realize that family stops caring about birthdays after high school graduation. (Except if someone dies.) That sucks! College kids are way more needy than high-schoolers. XD But just in case I get lucky, this is what I've been hoping for this holiday season:

(Everyone I know asks for electronics. Psh. I have what I need -- except getting my stolen Mac back would be awesome! But my MP3 player, phone, and camera all work just fine.)
- Furniture (Goodwill/Big Lots gift card?). After spending most of my break cleaning, I have realized just how empty my apartment is. I have no storage, and I think that's where the mess comes from. I suck at organizing.
- Warm, fluffy blankets. Until I get a roommate, I can't afford heat. So having something to keep me from freezing at night would be nice.
- Winter clothes. When I moved down here, all I brought were T-shirts and a few hoodies. I'm constantly cold. >_< Anddd I'm gonna start shopping for Nashville stuff during after-Christmas sales. Last year I didn't shop sales. This year, I have to.
- Craft supplies. Anything I could use to make money. I have to pay for half of an Opryland hotel room in April. This will suck.
- Candles & other stuff that smells good. Cats smell icky. Enough said.
- Grocery store gift cards. For those months when I spend a little too much and need to get by for another week before money day...

Simple enough. And just like birthdays, I love cards. :)
(PO Box 13651 - Cookeville, TN 38505)

Going home...and more impending doom?

On Friday night, I ordered my bus tickets for Christmas break. What a trip that will be.
I have to catch a shuttle van to Nashville here at noon, and since the greyhound bus doesn't leave until 6:45 PM, I'll be spending most of my day in the bus station. After that is a 24 hour ride to North Dakota, where I'm staying at one of my cousins' house overnight.
I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. It's just become such an integral part of my existence: I. Don't. Leave. Town. Going to Lebanon for Fall Focus in September took unhealthy amounts of sedatives. That was 40 miles away. I had a massive anxiety attack going to the edge of city limits today, though that was probably brought on by eating too much food that made me nauseous and uncomfortable.
I think about it a lot...and still, I'm not as terrified about going home as much as I would be going to Sparta. Less than 20 miles from here. I suppose it's all about being surrounded by the familiar. Then again, this bus route is different from the usual ones...It's going through St. Louis, Kansas City, and Sioux Falls rather than Chicago and Louisville. That will be unfamiliar too! *screams silently*
My most comforting thought is that bus rides are always easier. No one looks at you differently if you bring along huge bags filled with entertainment (books, magazines, coloring books, electronic stuffs) and knock yourself out with sleeping pills once every couple hours. (Oh, how I wish I could have insurance to get prescription Xanax...it worked wonders...) Most people there are doing the same thing...and there is always that little bathroom for me to lock myself into if I just can't stand looking out the window anymore.
"So? Just stay home." That thought has crossed my mind, but the anticipation of spending 3 weeks by myself seems more worthy of dread than 24 hours trapped on a moving vehicle. Spending 3 or 4 DAYS alone for Thanksgiving will be tragic enough.
I pray that when I get home, I'll be distracted with good things. If I end up rotting in my dad's attic eating ramen and watching hour after hour of MTV, that is no holiday. If it were my choice, I'd spend a couple days seeing my "real" family, spend a weekend with Kristi and all the kids, and waste the rest of the time in Moorhead where I would be close to shopping, a nice library, and all my old solitary hang-outs.
I'm not excited for the semester to be over because to me, this IS home. It's where I feel loved and wanted, and where I feel safest. I've dealt with a lot of loss here, but not irreparable loss. For every friend lost, another one falls into place.(BTW, that one cool guy I've mentioned before? We're finally hanging out alone now and again...) That's not the case with family. For example, someone I don't even know is living in my mom's house right now. That's the only "holiday place" I've ever known, except for Karen's, and Staples is so isolated that I don't think I could spend much of my break there...
Everyone has their "season of joy." Mine will be when spring semester starts and I can look forward to another 4 months where I don't have to leave city limits. (Oh, except for Nashville...but that will be nothing but happy.) The only thing worth dreading AFTER the long bus ride back to Tennessee? ...Valentine's Day.

Cookeville as a shopping town. (and "the list.")

This has never happened before.
I finished my whole local-friends Christmas list in one day.
I feel awesome, yet exhausted. Riding bike and walking for four hours takes a lot out of a person! (and a person's wallet...)
Now who is on this list, you ask? It's the same every year, yet different. The ten most awesome friends who had made me the happiest in the previous semester. I owe them. So I buy them presents. Last night, 2 unnamed "friends" broke a serious rule of the Girl Code, and since I no longer feel like I owe them sparkly wrapped gifts, I did buy a couple things for myself too. I had money left over.
I haven't bought anything new for myself (as a treat) since summer. The only things I've spent money on were to replace something that had broken or worn out. Nothing new just for fun!
Claires' 10 for $10 sale made me very happy this time around! I also went to:

• CVS (got pictures printed - 88 of them! The photo lady was very nice and didn't complain about the extra work I gave her.)
• Rue21 (So. Many. Awesome things. Sadly, all I got were a couple clearance T-shirts & socks. I had a budget to stick to!)
• KMart (I refuse to buy Christmas presents at Walmart. I hate Walmart, and only go there if I have to. Which I did later tonight to buy food and to spend my gift card. Here I found Christmas cards and My Little Pony toys. Hah.)
• BAM (Books are expensive! I had no idea! It was so hard to find one for under my $10 budget per person.) 
• Hobby Lobby (Which had a wonderful selection of wrapping paper! It was so hard to decide! The roll I chose was metallic purple!)

Yes, I do miss West Acres. That is THE mall for shopping, in my opinion. But in a way it's good that none of my favorite stores are here. I would have spent all the money on myself. XD
It was such a nice day to go out. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and I think the temp. was in the high 60's. If only this town wasn't built on so many hills! The hills are what made me sad today. >_<
I hope all my friends like the things I bought them. I don't have as much money to spend this year as I did last year. Last year, the money came from sad events, but my friends got awesome things...
Brianna, Ben, Sam, Shawn, Kelly, Cana, Shane, Tyler, Devin, and Andrew - here's hoping I don't disappoint you. I tried really, really hard. (& Kyle would have gotten an awesome present if he would have stayed...) I wish I could afford to pay back everyone that's been so nice to me down here. :)

A Yankee Thanksgiving - Then & Now

Let's start here: I didn't grow up eating turkey.
Maybe I did when I was really little, but I don't remember it.
The first Thanksgiving I remember - I had just turned 7.
My parents, my aunt and uncle, my cousins, and I were all in a hotel in Fargo.
(For all my local readers, town in North Dakota - roughly the size of Chattanooga)
My memory might be off, but I do believe it was the Holiday Inn. I remember swimming in the hotel pool, and going to Toys R Us, KB Toys, and B Dalton (yes, even as a first grader, I loved books) really early in the morning. That's it.
As I got older, the memories fleshed themselves out a little. It was a different hotel every year. (One year, there was this really creepy old man in the hot tub at Holiday Inn Express, who was watching my cousin and I swim) ...but most of the time I remember happy things. When I have my own kids someday, I want them to have the same tradition too. I want to hand something down to them from their grandma that they won't get to meet. 
Thanksgiving weekend is where I tried Red Lobster and TGI Fridays for the first time. There was this buffet that closed down right by Burlington Coat Factory, but I don't even remember the name anymore. I always thought I was special. I was happy that I didn't have to sit at home in my terrible little town and eat turkey and watch football. (which doesn't taste that great anyway).
I remember turning 18, and as a present my parents and I stayed at the Ramada for a night. I went to the movies with a friend from high school who had ended up moving just down the street, and we ate at this amazing, fancy restaurant in the basement of the hotel. I thought it was the coolest thing ever that there were computers for public use there, so I could send pictures to my many online friends. (This was in the MySpace days, and I was obsessed.)
After my parents split up, my mom and I went by ourselves. We stayed at the Kelly Inn, got our snacks from the Hornbacher's on 13th (I thought it was an amazing grocery store. This is before I learned what "overpriced" meant), and ate dinner at Super Buffet, where I tasted sushi for the first time. (She thought it tasted like glue.)
All of these trips are what influenced my decision to move to Moorhead last year. I was quite let down once I found out that city life isn't all shopping, hotels, and restaurants. Sadness follows a person there, too. :(
But even greater than the hotels and Chinese food...Oh, the shopping!
Christmas shopping just has to be one of my favorite times of year. Everything about it makes me happy. Sometime between Halloween and my birthday, I make a list of people to buy presents for. Two lists, actually. One for family and one for friends.
Ever since I had my own money, it's been that way. (Really. I remember being 12 years old and up with my parents in line at Target at like, 6:30. And liking it.) I've had a couple people tell me it's weird that I spend my birthday money getting other people's presents. And it just might be weird, but I love wrapping paper, cards, boxes, all of it. So I don't mind!
Of course, the holiday is different now.
I'm not going to be spending it in a hotel near the mall. (Any mall.)
I probably won't even get to eat Chinese.
(Unless it's warm enough to walk to the Chinese place near me.)
I'm spending it by myself.
(Can't leave the cats alone for more than overnight.)
But I can hold on to some tradition. On Friday morning, I will wake up early (not as early as my parents did, but early for me), and go shopping. I will bike down to Jackson Plaza, and if there is any money left over after buying some new winter clothes, I will get my friends some awesome Christmas presents!
I'm seriously excited for this.
Happy holiday season!

Thought Questions #4 / Freewriting / Another nice thing.

TQ#4 (posted on the Facebook group this morning): What do you need most right now?

...Stability.
I'm starting to realize I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to be making new friends/aquaintances every few months and moving once a year (or more). Every little thing that's here now...I want it to stay where it is. No more moving.
I'm beginning to enjoy the routine I've set in place for myself.
There's something comforting in knowing that 2 days a week, I will wake up sleep deprived, but still find the energy to stay on campus for 12 hours a day. There's just too much going on to find time to go home.
I like knowing that I have somewhere to stay (multiple places, actually), if my electricity gets turned off again. Relying on the kindness of friends isn't something to shoot for, but it can be good.
I fall asleep after getting the same text message every night. I don't see that as boring. It makes me happy. Though my dreams are usually not happy, no matter who says they should be. My brain shows me weird things when I'm sleeping.
Even food is predictable. On Tuesdays, I get a free meal. On Thursdays, I eat for a dollar and get both lunch and dinner. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I usually eat with the same people (Or watch them eat. No meal plan, remember?) No more high-school intimidation -- walking into a crowded room, knowing no one.
I know that on Sundays I'll probably want to sleep in, but I'll get up early-ish to go to church...because that's routine, and predictability makes me feel safe.
And thinking about Christmas, when nothing will be predictable, kinda worries me. I'm not sure how to feel about going home -- that lonely, silent place in the middle of a crowded city...or maybe I was the lonely, silent one. Everyone else was alive and full of purpose, just like the streets around them...but not me. If I don't find myself surprised & having fun, at least I know sedatives are my friend, and I can leave after 2 weeks are over.
It may not be as bad as I've been dreaming, though. Because I'm bringing someone with me.
My friend, who will be called "A" here...
(YES, FRIEND. I have been asked by at least 3 different people if I was dating him, and no, I'm not. We're neighbors. And friends. So yes, we will spend a lot of time together. We are both single, but I'm not dating -anyone.- I've been interested in the same person for quite some time now (though recently it's become painfully obvious how badly he wants to be rid of me), and if I could make that go away, I would, but hearts and brains are funny like that...)
...is coming home with me because of family drama that keeps him from spending time with his parents & siblings. There is no way I would let him stay in Cookeville by himself. That was me on fall break. That will probably be me on Thanksgiving. That will not be him on Christmas.
I didn't know how I would pay for his bus ticket (even though companion tickets are half price)...I assumed I would hope & pray for enough birthday money to cover his cost (and I thought he would help, but he has to pay to feed himself too & he's more broke than I am), and instead of buying myself winter clothes or Christmas presents...I would pay for him to have a holiday.
I casually mentioned on my BCM small group's facebook page that we were having troubles...in less than 12 hours, 5 people offered to help. I was once again shocked because I didn't think any of those people really cared about me...(I have some very nice BCM friends that care for sure, but I didn't know my group even noticed me, really...)
So, A gets a Yankee Christmas, and I may still have enough money to buy myself some warm clothes and start on my Christmas shopping. I may be stressing out bad in a couple months, but right now, I feel pretty lucky. I don't know how A feels, but he is pretty lucky too. :)

Mother's Day Emo Rant

I still don't hate holidays.
I love holidays, more than any other days out of the year
(except, perhaps, the last day of school and Black Friday...)
but I'm having a hard time with this one.
I can't exactly say my mom and I had any mother's day traditions...
in fact, for the last two years, I didn't even celebrate with her.
But a mother is more than someone you buy a card for and mention on Facebook once a year.
Today, more than any other day, I have to be reminded that I'm missing yet another part of my life that most people get to have. I can't help but be a little jealous. :(
She's been gone for exactly 6 months.
I wonder what she'd think of me now...
I fully admit she'd spaz at the sight of my apartment...she was always so much cleaner than me.
Like the rest of my family, she'd probably be opposed to me moving again, because she saw how homesick I got last time...but UNLIKE the rest of my family, she'd still help me if she knew it was what I really wanted.
(Then again, if she was here, would I feel like I had to leave? Because I don't have any support here?)
She would be so proud of me that I finished the semester with a 3.5
She'd love how far I've gotten with my story...
I don't get the sudden urge to call her anymore.
Sometimes I just pretend she never existed, because it's easier that way.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say...
Happy Mother's Day...
I wish you were here...