I feel most at home in an empty house.

(For once, I won't write about you-know-who going you-know-where. I promise.)
Right now, I'm staying with Brett (an ex I am still friends with) and his roommate. I'm staying here until Saturday night, as far as I know. I was almost sad to leave my cousin's house, but I'm happy I'm here now. Megan's guest room bed is the most comfortable thing I've ever laid in outside of a hotel. And she leaves me alone when I want to be by myself. She lets me be hermit-like if I feel like it, which in turn, makes me like her more and talk more.
But anyway, now that I'm here, I've had fun. Of course I already anticipate being broke for the rest of the month after this week, but you only live once, right? And I'm hoping someone will finally reply to my roommate request and all my money problems will be solved...(I've decided to buy the cheaper convention tickets. That way I have a bit more financial freedom...unless something crazy happens and someone buys something I'll sell on Craigslist...)
I do spend a lot of time at the mall, but thankfully I haven't gone on any big splurges. I bought some earrings, a T-shirt, another pony to add to my collection, some new hair ties...Oh, and a keychain with a really offensive word written all over it. It makes me feel rebellious. XD
Besides hanging out with Brett, I went over to Dawn's apartment today and we watched My Little Pony movies. I had forgotten that she's a fan too. I brought over my figurines and she had hers...it was a nerd party! I was texting Tyler at the same time so we could bring another pony fan into the fun. Tomorrow she's going to Hot Topic so she can find a shirt like mine. It was so expensive, but I don't regret it...yet.
This city is filled with good distractions, but I'm smart enough to know I left for a reason. (Expenses...and half of my high school also lives here.) Just because people are being nice now, doesn't mean that living here while in college would be easy. I'm keeping my nostalgia at arm's length, so returning to Cookeville won't be any more painful. It's nice to know I am welcome to visit in the summer! I plan on staying for longer then, maybe a month? Oh, what a broke month that will be!
Going back to the "empty house" thing...it's true. All I really want is to be alone and bury myself in my Hole of Sad, but maybe I need to fight against that...
At least while I'm here.
For the next few days, I am determined to talk to as many people as possible, and not say no to a single plan, unless it is expensive or would cause unneccessary panic.
So that way if I end up being lonely in Cookeville, at least I'll have good memories to keep me going until I can meet a new void-filler.

A year is a long time.

I spent most of the morning watching Netflix and youtube movies.Then I spent my afternoon at the library.
When my aunt got off work at 5, she came to get me and then I went to her house. In exchange for a fresh meal and someone to talk to, I helped her wrap presents, which (of course!) I enjoyed.
She gave me a really nice present. She got a family picture of my mom's side of the family + me blown up and she's putting it in a frame. I don't have any family pictures hanging up on my wall. It'll be nice to have one.
We talked about seeing my grandparents sometime over the break. The thought honestly stresses me out a little. I remember how they broke down sobbing when my aunt told them I was moving to Tennessee. I don't want to see them try to talk me out of moving back, because there's no way that's happening. She assured me that if they see that I'm happy, they'll be happy.
I'm still pretty sad right now. But I hope I'll find the right words to tell my grandparents that Cookeville is the right place for me to be. Yes, it was an impulsive decision that was made unusually quickly, but I have no regrets. Not just my grandparents...I want my entire family to know that I'm still standing strong in the belief that I did the best thing for myself by leaving.
At last year's Christmas party, I was in no shape to tell them anything. It was a month after my mom's funeral...Mike and I were having problems...my mind was all over the place. That memory is one of the things that made me so hesitant to come back at all...my dad's town is a place of loss and sadness.
I really don't like being here. If I could have spent the entire break in Fargo, I would have.
But I think I'm dealing with it really well.
This year, I have an identity and a life filled with amazing, loving people a thousand miles away from here, where no one even knows about this depressing black hole of a town.
That really helps.