Sunday, September 25, 2011

I thought I was gonna die...and then I didn't.

First, before I get into the important part of the story, I have to sadly admit, Fall Focus didn't change my life. I wasn't in the right mindset to enjoy it. First of all, I realized about halfway through, that I was there for the wrong reasons. I just wanted my BCM friends to like me. That's why I went originally. I thought they'd think I was of lower status than them, and therefore not worthy of their company, if I skipped out. Secondly, I was soooo drugged. Everything passed by in a haze. The car ride went by with few problems, but Unisom Sleep Melts (available at Walgreens for 7.99, for all you fellow uninsured anxiety-sufferers) work a little too well.

Half because of the pills working their magic, and half because I felt so incredibly inadequate compared to these other people who came to FF for the RIGHT reasons, I isolated myself from the group on purpose. While everyone else was singing, I sat outside on a wooden bench, counting down the minutes till I could go home. I kept reminding myself that as soon as I was out of Lebanon, I could be back at home (Or Cory's. Or Kevin's. Wherever), partying my frustrations away and forgetting about how confused I was.

When Cana and I left the last worship session, I was forced out of my drug-induced haze. I wouldn't call what happened to me in the parking lot a panic attack. It was worse than that. I felt physically ill. If I had been shaking any harder, I swear people would have thought I was having a seizure. I almost threw up, and my heart was beating faster than it had ever beat before. My legs got weak and I was sure I'd pass out. (But I didn't.) I think what happened, is that suddenly, there were no more sedatives in my system, and my body had a hard time adjusting. I tried so hard to keep myself from feeling stressed or scared, that I hurt my body from the inside out in the process. Cana didn't laugh at me or call me a freak. She walked around the parking lot with me, and prayed with me.

On our way home, she said something that hit me. I don't remember what it was, but suddenly I realized, God was bigger than any moment of panic. And I stopped shaking so hard. She said something to the likes of, I can't comprehend why things are they way they are, but He can. So I did something pretty shocking this morning. I woke up early and went to church. And I enjoyed it. I kinda avoid church because the crowds stress me out, but today, I sat still the whole time. Maybe that's just a one-time miracle, but I'm hoping it was part of something bigger.

All in all, I didn't get much out of FF while I was there, but after I left, I had a pretty powerful moment. So I don't regret going. Random stranger, thank you again.

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