Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Life is full of surprises!

Christmas has made a pretty big turnaround today!
I wasn't really too excited about going to spend the day with my grandparents. They live way out in the country and the car ride is always pretty difficult...and since they don't speak English very well, I spend most of my time in silence since I don't know how to make myself understood.
But this time I swallowed the awkward and talked anyway. My grandma translated for my grandpa so they could both understand a bit...I showed them lots of pictures...Pictures are the same in every language!
I wonder if my aunt and Kelly (mom's old roomie) read my post about feeling kinda slighted by family as far as "stuff" goes haha...I never asked for anything that I got today...but I'm so grateful for all of it!
My cousin bought me like 5 new sweaters that are thin enough to wear in Tennessee... That's a week's worth of shopping I don't have to do now! I also got a new laptop case, a purse, and some jewelry from my aunt...(My grandma got a Coach bag from my uncle and I am so jealous...hahahaha) And...A LAPTOP!
But the absolute best thing was my uncle paying for my tickets to go to Nashville in April! Not only do I get to visit Tyler one time for FREE! ...but I can meet more girls too! And I don't have to work my butt off to get there...
I'm just shocked.
Not too depressed to get out of bed.
Utterly amazed...
that someone I hardly know would do something so nice for me!
I don't think I deserve it.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just another holiday post.

I really don't care if I never celebrate another Christmas. This year, I can't seem to enjoy anything. I've been going through the motions...eating sugar cookies, chocolate covered cherries, holiday cheese trays...and opening presents and putting on a smile for the people who spent money on me. But I feel nothing. I know I love everyone who's shared the holidays with me, but I'm not happy to go anywhere or sad to leave. I've just been numb since I got to my dad's house...
...which is about the same time I recovered from the shock of being home.
I got one thing I asked for (as far as presents go): Money to put into my Nashville travels. It'll probably go towards convention things, because there's no financial aid overage check to pay for my trip this year...
(Side rant: It really, really irks me when people who post "Christmas isn't all about STUFF" are rich, privileged kids who get iPhones and designer clothes from their parents. Of course Christmas isn't about stuff for you, you have a family that wants you and you already have all the stuff you need! It's just another day! But for this little reject who has gone for months without hardly getting anything new...what I get is pretty important...)
Back on topic...I can't think of anything else except going back to school and how much I'm dreading it.
It'll probably be better than I'm expecting, but right now all I see is four months of wandering around aimlessly, pulling back into my shell because I can't handle any more people leaving me. I'm done trying to keep friends. People disappear no matter what I do. If anyone wants anything to do with me, it's all up to them. I'm not putting forth any more effort do make people happy just to have them say "Oh, you won't see me again for a long time because ______."
It'd be easier to just avoid everyone who makes me feel anything good.
That's it. I should surround myself with people I can't stand. That way, when they move away or whatever, I won't care, and I still get the social contact that I crave.
I kinda like being here for a break because I have no other choice but to spend most of my time alone.
I pass through the day in a sedative-induced haze, keeping everyone I care about at arm's length on Facebook, where it doesn't matter if they're next door or across the country. On IM, everyone lives far away.
Hopefully at the end of the next 2 weeks, I'll be emotionally strong enough to get a text message from "someone" and not instantly tear up...and maybe I'll figure out how to make a fake smile more convincing. But I might not. That's what worries me.
I don't want the Cookevillians to see me like this.
...Break, please go by slow. Drag on until my next emergency void-filler finds me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A year is a long time.

I spent most of the morning watching Netflix and youtube movies.Then I spent my afternoon at the library.
When my aunt got off work at 5, she came to get me and then I went to her house. In exchange for a fresh meal and someone to talk to, I helped her wrap presents, which (of course!) I enjoyed.
She gave me a really nice present. She got a family picture of my mom's side of the family + me blown up and she's putting it in a frame. I don't have any family pictures hanging up on my wall. It'll be nice to have one.
We talked about seeing my grandparents sometime over the break. The thought honestly stresses me out a little. I remember how they broke down sobbing when my aunt told them I was moving to Tennessee. I don't want to see them try to talk me out of moving back, because there's no way that's happening. She assured me that if they see that I'm happy, they'll be happy.
I'm still pretty sad right now. But I hope I'll find the right words to tell my grandparents that Cookeville is the right place for me to be. Yes, it was an impulsive decision that was made unusually quickly, but I have no regrets. Not just my grandparents...I want my entire family to know that I'm still standing strong in the belief that I did the best thing for myself by leaving.
At last year's Christmas party, I was in no shape to tell them anything. It was a month after my mom's funeral...Mike and I were having problems...my mind was all over the place. That memory is one of the things that made me so hesitant to come back at all...my dad's town is a place of loss and sadness.
I really don't like being here. If I could have spent the entire break in Fargo, I would have.
But I think I'm dealing with it really well.
This year, I have an identity and a life filled with amazing, loving people a thousand miles away from here, where no one even knows about this depressing black hole of a town.
That really helps.

Monday, December 19, 2011

& today I actually have stuff to report...

I am exhausted. Being here wears me out. Why was I always so bored when I actually lived here?
I got up fairly early, on account of me going to bed shortly after 9 PM. Still, I got about 11 hours of sleep in where I didn't wake up once. I was slow getting ready, just because I could be! No school, remember? It was great.
2 hours later, Megan (the cousin I'm staying with till tomorrow) drove me to the mall. The only thing that could have made that better is if I actually would have had money to spend. Maybe not, though. I haven't been shopping at any of my favorite stores in so long that I would have had no idea what to buy, and I would have spent my hypothetical money on something useless.
Sometime between the mall and the awesome frozen yogurt place in front of Megan's house (she lives in the coolest neighborhood, I swear...), I met up with two different friends I used to go to school with.
Could I have stayed here if TTU hadn't accepted me? Probably, yes. But over the course of the day I had to keep reminding myself that I did leave for a reason. Even if it's small and generally uninteresting, Cookeville is home! ...At least until I finish my degree. Someday, I would like to move back here, and I probably will...unless I meet a guy at Tech who can convince me to settle in the Bible Belt...
Better than all the trivial facts about what stores I went into...today is the first day since I heard The Sad News that I've actually felt like doing anything! I thought I'd just feel like moping in bed all day, but I was so relieved to find out that wasn't the case. Maybe this is just the break I need...and dealing with the stress of spending the actual holiday week in a town even more dull than Cookeville will be worth the mood boost.
I fully realize school will be weird for the first month or so, till I make a couple new friends to fill the void (Though Tyler is an awesome text friend, so no way are we losing touch completely)...but here, I don't have to think about that. Nothing that ever happened in Cookeville can touch me here.
It'll be even better when I can actually shop.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

home time.

I'm still trying to be okay with what happened last week.
I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason" and that it'll all work out for the best.
Like if/when you-know-who comes back in August, our friendship will be so much stronger and more awesome because of all the texting we've been doing, and getting to know each other without a huge group of people around.
But that's not what I'll be blogging about. I don't want to focus on The Sad too much, because then I won't be able to enjoy myself here. Yes, here. I'm at home now. North Dakota to be exact, but this was my last home before moving to Cookeville.
I don't have any pictures to share, because there was really nothing worth seeing on the entire trip. I slept through Tennessee, Kentucky, and Missouri. Of course I was fully awake through all the corn states.
South Dakota was by far the most boring. I think it even beats out North Dakota in flatness and emptiness, too. I came home with only one postcard since none of the other gift shops had anything. It was a very, very dull trip. I'm so glad it's over.
Now I don't really know what to expect while I'm here. I know for the next couple of days I'm gonna do as little as possible. Long rides wear me out. But I have to go to the mall, no matter what. I have absolutely no money, but it's Christmas season! Free samples everywhere!
I'm not going to plan things too rigidly, because we all know what happens when I get my hopes up for something. I'll take it a day at a time. Like right now, I'm in my cousin's guest room (which looks like a hotel room, I swear. It's nice.) and she ordered me pizza. I'm going to stuff myself, because beef jerky and fruit snacks just don't cut it for the 3 meals I should have had...
It's harder to be sad when you're full, ya know?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Loss is crushing, but we'll get through it.

Tyler made up his mind to go back to Nashville for a semester.
I hate that he had to see me cry. Not for my own sake, but because it made him unhappy.
The shock hurts so bad, because we were doing so well...
But I'm a stubborn girl. I won't let this friendship end. 8 months are gonna be really hard, but we'll figure it out. I made him promise to visit. And we can text. Maybe he'll even get a Facebook page. And I'm gonna work my butt off to get a job so I can travel more.
I don't care if it makes the school workload harder.
I don't care if I have to deal with more panic attacks and greyhound rides.
I'm not losing another friend.
I. Will. Not.

To everyone who is actually coming back next semester:
Don't make me talk about it.
Be my distractions. Keep me busy and happy and entertained. Or try.
Don't tell me I'll be okay or that I'll make new friends. I know I will, even if I don't want to.
Nothing any of you could ever say will make it hurt less.
Just be there. That's all I need.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

awkwardness & pancakes.

I was sad last night. It was the last night that I'll see lots of people for almost a month.
Earlier in the day, Tyler said he'd come with me to the BCM for pancake night. That was really unexpected & cool of him. I know he feels kinda awkward around unfamiliar people.
Then someone else invited him to go to another place, not caring that plans were already made. I got even sadder. There is nothing I hate more than when people bail on me...thankfully, pancakes seemed to be the better option. ^_^
After I found out Fail #5 and The Girl were there, I almost didn't go. I didn't want to risk any awkward encounters. I wouldn't have gone at all if I had to walk in there alone. Once I got there, they were sitting at the opposite corner, so I think I avoided them pretty well. (TS - thank you for joining me on the other side of the room, even though you saw someone else you knew sitting by them.)
At first, it was just T&I bouncing from the sugar. (He was lucky to avoid the usual swarm of people that surround new visitors!) Then a friend of Alaina's brought her pet sugar glider. It was so adorable! (I think "D'aww, you have to see it!" were my exact words.)
And then, one of my most shy, awkward friends came out of his shell. It was great.
After the awkward-encounter-people left, I was able to make the group grow a little more. Tiffany and Larry are some of my favorite BCM people, but I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, because I don't want to drag them into the FailDrama. I'm glad Tyler got along with them so well. We drew pictures on the (disposable) tablecloth and painted things with glow in the dark puffy paint. Ya know, all those things that are so much more fun than studying.
Of course I got my tackle when I left, and to my surprise, he tackled back. It was the best d'aww moment I've had in a long time.
When I got home, I was a little sad again, but more than anything, I was happy that things were back to normal. Or better than normal!
I think we'll make it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

the beautiful side of bad luck. ♥

Let's start at the beginning.
When I was little, my Christmas tradition was always the same. I would go to church at night on Christmas Eve, then after the service was over, my parents would drive me to my grandparents' house to eat and open presents. When we got home on Christmas day, I had a stocking waiting for me.
It was quiet and always predictable.
When I came back from my freshman year of college, I broke away from tradition by accident. James, one of my best friends from high school, invited me to his family's Christmas party that was supposed to happen on the 23rd. (For those of you who don't know, I had basically lived on his family's couch for the 6 months before I moved to Kentucky. -- Parents were in the middle of a divorce, I had just moved out on my own, and I had no desire to spend much time at "home.")
I had missed them all terribly for the 5 months I was gone, so I went to the party. The news had shown a winter storm warning on the weather forecast, but I wasn't about to let the weather get in the way of my fun.
It snowed 8 inches overnight. Could my mom have come to get me? Yes, probably, but she was paranoid about driving in bad weather. So I stayed with James and his siblings (ranging in ages 16 to 6) for my first Christmas ever. I was sad about waking up on Christmas and not having any presents to open, but they had actually bought presents for me and I didn't know it!
That year was filled with its own drama, but I still have so many special memories. Spending Christmas there was supposed to be a one-time thing, but last year, a little over a month after my mother's unexpected death, I asked to stay there one more time because I needed to stay close to what was familiar. Family members gave me their invitations, but I needed stability -- to stay with people I knew.
And it was awesome. All of the food, people, parties, and presents of the year before, with none of the drama.
Even if I had to eat ramen all weekend and not unwrap a single package, I would still go there again. Because Christmas is about spending time with people who love you, even when they don't have to. I love James, Shawn, Alex, and Amber like my own siblings. (If I had any.) I'm sad that I have to buy their presents late this year (ran out of money), but they'll get the best I can give them.
This is why I'm going home, even though I'd rather not get on that bus. I want to be there to see these kids grow up.
I do not ever want pity because I can't spend the holidays with my "own family."
I'll be sitting around the tree with people who make me happy. And that's just as good.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Home is not where you live, but where people understand you.

(love that quote!)
Anyway...I don't know what it is that turns me into a pacing, stressing, emotional mess when I think about returning to The Wasteland. (The town of my birth does not deserve a real name.) I'm not really afraid of being there like I used to be...most of the bullies are either out of town, on drugs, or knocked up and therefore too busy to notice me anymore. I suppose, the feeling lingers...going anywhere in town and hearing a disembodied voice yell at you, "You're still not good enough!"
But what is good enough, exactly?
I think good enough is being able to leave.
My school counselor from 11th grade said I would probably never be able to live independently. He assumed my mental illnesses (mostly anxiety) would keep me from graduating high school, living on my own, and working.
The school social worker (who worked closely with the counselor) told my mom that the best option for me was to institutionalize me before I turned 18, so I would be "taken care of."
Farther back, the principal of the school I went to in junior high said that if I transferred somewhere else, I would only be running away from my problems and I would never learn how to make "real" friends. (I wonder if he told that to the girl who killed herself because of excessive bullying too...)
Add that to the daily pressure of teachers' kids and church leaders' kids harassing me for problems outside of my control (and since they were the "good kids," of course, no one ever did anything about it), and anyone would start to feel like they were worthless.
After six years of near-constant uprooting, I have finally distanced myself from that place. I have no bond to this town filled with closed-minded, condescending strangers.
Yes, I will still be there, but only as a stopping point between the busy city where I first "found myself" and the home of a few good people who treat me like family. In Fargo and in Staples are where my happiness lies.
There, I find people that have never told me, "You can't make it." People that accept me for being average...or better than average...or less...whether my anxiety is managed or uncontrollable...if I'm financially stable or on food stamps...if I'm wearing this season's clothes or hand me downs.
That is what "home" is. Sometimes you need to leave where you were born to find where you belong.
Only after "running away" did I find people who tell me repeatedly that I am not worthless.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

One week. o_0

Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company.  Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,  
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.

I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Happy 7 months, Callie & Moo!

I don't think I've ever made a cat post. I should have. I am the Cat Mom, after all.
My two furbabies turned 7 months old this week!
Nothing makes time fly by as much as watching kittens grow up.
I lost Fat Man and Lola when they were 7 months old. Hopefully Callie and Moo will stay with me much longer!
I saw them for the first time when they were not even 8 weeks old. They were probably too young to be separated from their mother, but the three other littermates had already been killed by wandering out into busy traffic. Their first catmommy wanted them to have a better chance at life...So she and her daughter drove down from somewhere near Bowling Green to give them to me.
[Story about Callie: Shortly before I got her, she had been attacked by a stray tomcat. Her eye was infected and she walked with a limp. The owner e-mailed me to say that I might not want her because she was "the sick one," but that just made me want her more. With some tips from other cat ladies, her eye and leg healed quickly, and now she's completely caught up in size to her sister. She might even be bigger!]
I knew their personalities the minute their first owners knocked on my hotel door. (I wasn't even in an apartment yet.) Callie was sleeping in the older woman's arms, and the girl about  my age was holding a squirming, squealing Moo. That day, I went to Petco and bought their kitten collars. (which they've already outgrown!) Callie's was white with a rhinestone heart and a bell, and Moo's was black with skulls on it. Fits them perfectly, right?
I will never try to deny it. I spoil my kitties. Some days they eat better than I do.
I've had people tease me all my life for being a cat person, but I'm not ashamed of it!
I am an only child, which also means I will never have any nieces or nephews unless I marry someone with siblings. I'm completely unfamiliar with babies, and I don't have any young cousins either.
Therefore, I have cats, because I have a longing for something to love and take care of.
I'm not going to be irresponsible and have a baby with some random guy just so another being can love me, when there are unwanted animals for adoption that don't require a two-parent home, stable income, and loads of spare time. That phase of my life will hopefully come someday, but for now, I am a proud cat lady, with two adorable "children!" Observe:

^^ Callie on her first day with me. [6/30/11]
^^ Moo on the day I moved into my apartment. [7/1/11]
Callie and Moo sleeping together (they still do this every night!) [8/24/11]
^^ Callie and Moo's 6 month picture! (11/6/11)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The bi-annual end of semester recap!

Today, I finished my last assignment. (For anyone who cares, it was a Geology paper.)
After finals, I will have completed my fourth semester of college.
Where does the time go?
My GPA has dropped, but I believe I've become a better person in four short months.
Inside, I'm just as hopelessly messed up, but I'm so much more awesome at faking it than I used to be! ...But it's not all fake. Some happiness is real...And I would be miserable alone. It's all because of the following people that I've been able to survive the chaos of culture shock, poverty, loneliness, self-pity, religious confusion, and many many guyfails.
(Not in order of importance...more like order of appearance.)
  • Kyle - I wish I would have come over more. I would have if I had known you would leave so soon. But anyway, thanks for giving me a place to stay when I needed someone to talk to who would never judge or think less of me. I wish you were here, but even more so, I wish you happiness wherever you are.
  • Brianna - Back in March when I applied at Tech (and you were still mostly an e-buddy), Mike said you wouldn't be my friend anymore when you had to see me everyday. I'm glad we proved him wrong! I can tell you anything, and you understand my quirks. That's what friends are all about, right? :)
  • Ben - My first real, in-person Tech-friend! I miss hanging out. We haven't had lunch or talked one on one in like a month and that's sad. But I'll always have the good memories of beating people up with inflatable crayons and going swimming! I can never pay you back for all the crap of mine that you put up with...but for what it's worth, I'm really grateful you did.
  • My community group: Kelly, Alaina, Melinda, Rachel, Adam, Maicie, and Michael - Thanks for not looking down on me for not being "Christian enough." And I love that you're all genuine, awesome people who came to my birthday party when almost everyone else bailed. 
  • Cana - Fangirl buddy! You're so easy to talk to, which I don't say about many girls! I wish you the best of luck in Cleveland and I really hope you'll come visit from time to time. :)
  • Devin - Oh, my favorite Geology slacker. I know you feel awkward around people you don't know, but I'm so happy you took a chance and got to know me. We have yet to hang out off-campus, and this needs to change. 
  • Kevin - Without your help, I would have spent way more mornings freezing and wet on the walk to class. It's so crazy that we were neighbors for so long and didn't know it! 
  • Sam - It's an awesome coincedence that Ben introduced you to me right when I was planning on checking out the UCSC. Shopping with you has been one of my favorite weekend memories. I hope we'll get to hang out even more next semester. There are not many people I'm willing to get up early for!
  • The SG: Josh, James, Shane, Isaac, Amy, Brad, William, Alex, and everyone else I'm forgetting...you let me hang out with you every day and never complain about how annoying I am. It doesn't sound like much, but I'd be lost without you.
  • Tyler - I'm sorry things are so awkward. If I could turn back time, I would. But I think we'll be okay. You're a great friend. I don't know what made you and Brad sit with Brianna the day after Kyle left, but I'm glad you did because I've had so much fun getting to know you better. You're the most awesome Brony I've ever met.
  • Casey - Intercultural Communications would have been unbearable without someone to pass notes to! You make every Tuesday and Thursday a little brighter. Someday soon, we'll have to go stuff ourselves with popcorn again. I'll miss you when my new classes start, but I think we'll keep in touch! 
  • Tiffany - I'm glad I added you on Facebook. We have so many things in common... (even taste in guys sometimes! lol) I hope we can hang out more when you come back from break!
  • Patrick - It sucks that you're only here until May, but until then, we'll have to do as much fun stuff as possible. You're one of my favorite neighbors! I love that we've gotten along so well since day 1.
  • Chandler - Very new text friend: I think it's funny that I run into you as often as I do. Please don't lose touch! It's not every day that I meet an awesome new Cookevillian who compliments me in text, complete with kitty faces. We need to find ourselves an adventure. Soon. :)
This is not a complete list. I'm sure I've forgotten a name or two. Even the bad people make me better, and someone might still pop in and change my life before my last final is filled out. I'm both nervous and excited to see what spring semester will bring. I'm hoping for less loss and many more happy days!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

what happens when someone learns my secrets.

It's out of the bag.
He found out.
If you've been reading for the last couple weeks, you know who and what I'm talking about.
And he has been so distant...we talked for a bit yesterday, but I feel like there is more tension now, not less. Being around him is just uncomfortable. I'm not purposely avoiding him, but I'm sitting in the library right now rather than the UC because I'm in need of some inner peace.
I had my emotional explosion yesterday. You know, the usual crying in the rain for half an hour or so. (It always rains...how strange.) I prepared myself for a worse reaction (like, "Eww, what the hell...you're the grossest girl I've ever met. Go away...") so only being avoided is tolerable, though I'm still disappointed.
Falling for friends is the most painful curse any girl can have...unless they're the beautiful type who no one would ever turn away. Lucky, lucky people.
I can't help but wonder if my standards are too high. Is it too much to ask to have a friendly bond with someone before it evolves into more, or am I destined to settle for internet losers for the rest of my life? Right now, my only hopes for any guy I'm involved with are: to live in the same town as me, live independently (or not have strict parents that forbid them from seeing me), and either be in school or working. Impossible? Perhaps.
But I really, really don't want to go back to settling.
I hope someday, someone can show me that I deserve better than an emotionally abusive, unmotivated waste of space who lives in his mom's basement, mooching off her food stamps.
& hopefully we'll be friends first.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Guyfails, fast food, and even more awkwardness.

How is it possible that I haven't blogged in 4 days? I haven't even thought about it!
I didn't realize it at all until I got another e-mail from Blog-God asking where I disappeared off to.
I guess I've been distracted. Usually, when I spend a lot of time hanging out with people, I'm absolutely bouncing, waiting to get back home so I can blog about it and put funny quotes in a Facebook status.
This time, there's really not much to tell. I've been spending a lot of time with some new people and some old ones, hanging out in the UC and watching movies.
But since I have to blog about something to keep my stats up, yesterday was  an interesting day.
Start at the beginning: It was Sunday. Campus was dead. I had to do laundry in Jobe Hall, and I was so bored.
I sat by myself for a good half hour, being a good student and working on my speech paper.
Then Josh showed up.
Then Tyler showed up (Yay!).
Then Josh left. (-awkward twitch- Just the 2 of us? What do we talk about?!)
But it wasn't so bad. We watched TV for a couple hours and talked about My Little Pony. (That's his "thing." Long story.)
And William dropped in later asking for a ride to Taco Bell.
The walk to the truck was by far the most awkward thing that happened all weekend. Not because of anything my two friends did. I saw the guy I've been avoiding and his girlfriend was with him. I felt my heart drop into my stomach and I'm sure I made some kind of noise that made anyone in my close area turn around and stare. I was ready to explain myself when W. said he already knew. I know he was there on the night when all the bad stuff happened, but I didn't think he knew the specific people I was hiding from. Apparently they live in the same dorm hall, and he's more observant than I thought.
I immediately started to defend myself..."I know I should have forgiven him by now, or at least her, but---"
They both shut me up after that.
It was the first time since the Epic Night of Fail that someone actually took my side. Tyler said it doesn't matter one bit if #5 & I weren't "Facebook Official." If we had "the talk," and he still went behind my back to find this other girl, I have every right to never want to see his face again. W. just said I deserved better.
And both of them said they would never do that to me. Two weeks ago, seeing "those people" walking down the sidewalk together would have completely ruined my weekend. But this time, I was just mildly annoyed and I wanted food.
So the 3 of us went out to eat and it was so good. Though William riding in the back of the truck made me kinda uneasy. Isn't that illegal here? I kept waiting for him to fly out and land in a tree or something. And I almost got us lost...
I had another nice moment at the end of the night, shortly before I went home.
James's new roommate (#&@%) was talking to me about his role-playing game and personality traits (something confusing, anyway)...and I asked him what mine would be if I played the game. He said something about charisma and how I meet new people really easily. I said, "Oh no way, I repel people."
Then T. looked at me and with the most intensity I've ever heard in his voice (shy and awkward, remember?) he said "No. You don't." Well then. It was nice to find out he doesn't think I'm repulsive.
I'm not used to people saying good things about me. At least not to my face.
But this is why I think I've been spending so much time outside the BCM lately.
I saw "the guy" at Common Ground and spent the entire night stressed out and pacing. I couldn't tell anyone why I was so uncomfortable, because no one there thinks he did anything wrong.
When I hang out anywhere else, I have so many good things to think about that I don't stew on my bitterness as much.
And slowly, I start to feel better.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

more awkward things I can't say in person.

(To the Awesome New Friend who isn't new anymore...)
Shawn, Tiffany, Ben, and Josh keep telling me to tell you my "awkward secret"...but I can't do it. And this is why...
I don't remember where you came from. You were just there. Even in the summer, James and Kyle talked about you a lot. They told me how cool you were. But when you moved back to town from Nashville, we hardly talked at all. Truth is, I was trying so hard to impress someone else.
And then...November happened. I think you were at lunch with Brianna 2 days after Kyle left (it really is a small world...), but I was in such a haze I don't remember anything clearly. We had to have talked a couple times, because I remember thinking how nice all of his friends were...and I had never noticed before.
That was Monday. Then, Thursday happened. ...That day when one of my closest "churchy" friends crushed my heart under his pretty gray Converse. I saw his new "status" and completely lost it. I also think you were there when I was begging Josh in tears to let me stay with him for the video game release. I knew I couldn't handle being alone that night. I wish we had met under better circumstances.
Thanks for talking to me that night, even though I'm sure Skyrim was much more interesting! I fell asleep and had a dream that we would get along really well. :)  I believe my dreams, because if the events in them are possible, they usually come true. (Seriously. I've dreamed of movie endings, story plots that get published later, layouts of towns I've never visited before...it's weird.)
And ever since then, we hang out a lot. I look forward to lunch even more than I used to. You get along with all my other friends on the days when you're brave & expand your social circle. I want things to stay this way! Our group gives me something to laugh about every day. I can't imagine losing that because I open my big mouth and say something I shouldn't. I know later today, we'll probably hang out again, and there won't be any awkwardness. I will give you your Christmas present, and hopefully you'll think it's awesome.
And since you don't have a Facebook and therefore can't get the link to my blog, you'll never know a thing. :)