Thursday, February 23, 2012

weather = magic

There's something about cold that makes a person feel alone. When your face is red and your fingers are numb, it's so easy to feel like the world is against you. Or when it's's like the sky is crying, and you just feel pitiful.
Today felt like summer. Summer is the best season...
(Except for those days when I overheat and get sick. But that's Tennessee summer, not summer in general.)
Even though the wind was blowing, the entire world just seemed brighter. People actually spent time outside, rather than just speeding home after their last class ended. After Soul Food, Mike and I went walking with a new guy we met (I keep forgetting his name!). I hated being in lab. I kept seeing the sun out my window and I wanted so badly to skip. After that, Alex, Ben, Mike, and a few other people spent the afternoon playing volleyball outside the BCM. I only quit because I needed to call Kale and find out where he is. (By the way, last I heard, he was in Omaha.)
Even though today has been fun, it's passed by slowly enough for me to enjoy it. International Night is in a bit less than two hours, and that's one of the best events of the week. Cici's is on the dinner menu tonight. Free, of course! I hope my new friend comes.
In a way, I feel bad enjoying myself. But I might as well, because I hear another cold front is blowing in. I really hope that isn't symbolism.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

friends - the good, the bad, and the missing.

Everyone has different kinds of friends in their life.
There are the ones you confess your secrets to, the ones who give you rides to church, the friends you envy, and the friends you feel bad for.The people who blow you off for fantasy games, and the ones who are there for you to hear you vent.
Some of them stay, and some of them go. 
And some friendships just don't last.
Most of the people I've met in Cookeville come into my life like an explosion. One day I had no idea of their existence, the next - we see each other everywhere. ...And they leave my life just as effortlessly. Nothing tragic (most of the time) - I find out they've deleted me on Facebook, or we just drift apart. Most of the time I don't dwell on it, because that's how all my relationships usually are - fast, intense, and short-lived. 
(Mike and I met at the beginning of the semester and we've stayed friends until now. This seems like a record for me. Almost two whole months with no conflict?)
And then there was my exception. An aquaintance who always floated along on the outer borders of my social circle...I didn't give him much thought because I was always pursuing the people who could give me a thrill - people who craved adventure, and "pretty" guys who could make or break my day by looking at me the right way. Stability? I didn't want stability...until I needed it.
Everyone already knows what happened.
This friendship could have fizzled out like the rest of them. I refused to give up this time.
We're getting to be much closer, despite the distance.
There's a certain kind of freedom that comes with talking through a phone rather than face to face. I have more time to type out what I want to say, so I don't stutter and fall all over myself. The words we say make sense. (Sometimes...)
You'd think any friendship that only had a month to build would crumble to pieces after such a blow. People know each other for years, and smaller things break them apart.
Two months have passed. That's one fourth of this temporary struggle.
I still get good night texts every night, and this person messages me first in the morning.
I am sad, but at the heart of the loneliness, I know I'm lucky.
Good friends need to exist more often.

Monday, February 20, 2012

An Observance...

My posts over the last two months revolve around the same topic: Sadness.
Sometimes I get lost and find myself in a mood that could almost be called normal, but it goes more often than it comes.
I think I am clinically depressed.
When I was in 8th grade, I was diagnosed with depression, but I don't believe I really had it. The medication didn't do anything except make me lose weight (not that I complained at the time...)
 I think my frustrations stemmed from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. (I got the panic disorder label a year later, and that is now much better managed than it ever used to be.) I looked at the common symptoms, and they all seem to fit me now.
Sadness that lasts for longer than 2 weeks.
I can't seem to sleep enough.
Food has lost its taste.
Previously enjoyable things leave me feeling emotionless.
This doesn't mean that I never smile or laugh. I do. But there are some deep-rooted issues that are always eating at me.
I know some of my BCM friends may argue that I don't spend enough time with God. I have been going to church more often lately (and benefitting from it), but that doesn't mean that everything will automatically be sunshine and rainbows. I believe prayer can change lives, but I also believe that God has given us the gift of anti-depressants and therapy.
Too bad they aren't free.
Whether I stay untreated and hit rock bottom someday, or "snap out of it," at least now I realize that there is probably something wrong with my brain. People with physical ailments will try to get better. I want to get better. Hence, why I'm not afraid of blogging about it.
 I don't know what is going to happen to me, and that is really scary sometimes. But I know I'm not the only person out there who hasn't been able to shake the bad feelings, and if any other uninsured people in the local area have suffered with similar trials, I'd really like to know what helped them. Maybe it could help me.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I haven't written in a week because I feel like there isn't much to say. Each day fades into the next. I am simply existing. Not to say that I spend my entire life in a fog of loneliness and self-pity...I'm almost always with people...doing something, just nothing that my readers would care to hear about. But I'm here anyway, babbling about nothing in general...

Valentine's Day was nice. Alex took me downtown to an Italian restaurant called Esca. The food was so good, but not worth waiting half an hour to get it. I don't have expensive tastes when it comes to food. I'm a fast food kind of girl. I would have been fine with Olive Garden or Fazoli's, but I think he decided I deserved better? I loved the Rainbow Dash pony he bought  me. Much better than chocolate that spoils or flowers that die...

Yesterday was winter formal. That went better than I had expected too. Of course I was klutzy and spilled something on my dress...hopefully I can clean it before Nashville...So many girls gave me compliments! I feel like they all looked ten times better than me, but I smiled and thanked them anyway.
When I was at my apartment getting ready, Tyler & I were texting and he said he wished he could have been at the dance with the rest of our group. I need a better word filter. So often, I text about fun things I've been up to, and he gets sad/frustrated because he's missing out. I'm a bad friend. Then again, he chose to leave, so if he's missing out on anything, it's not my fault...

I also got to talk to one of my other BCM friends that I've kinda drifted apart from. I know things got really strained after one of our mutual friends messed my life up, but we seem to be doing okay. I miss the days when we used to sit together at lunch and text about everything. I miss not feeling awkward.

As I said, there really isn't much to write about. Everything just feels so...blah. Perhaps when Kale gets here, I'll have a more interesting entry. Reactions to southern culture from a yankee who spent his entire life in the suburbs? If I were a follower, I'd read that!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Passing time.

I got up at 8 o'clock this morning and went to church.
I figured I haven't gone in a few weeks. What could it hurt, right? I'm glad I went.
It was odd being there while Sam was in Nashville, because I don't know any other UCSC people other than Ben's sister and my new biology partner (who wasn't there.) Sam's friend and his girlfriend came to get me at 8:45...I wish I could have slept in another hour or two! Anyway...
Two weeks ago, I signed up to do charity work at the Rescue Mission, which is a homeless shelter on the other end of town. I didn't hear anything back from whoever runs it, so I decided to do something else. After Sunday school, I talked to the youth pastor and asked if I could volunteer at the food pantry on Wednesday afternoons. He said YES, very happily!
Why this sudden burst of motivation, you ask?
Last semester, I spent most days out of the week chasing after a guy and trying to make people (mostly, the guy's friends) like me. That took up an insane amount of my time. A majority of my day is still spent texting, but I have so much more time to think about other things. I was spending way too many hours wallowing in self-pity. (Aww, I'm still guilty of that. Especially on weekends.)
I figured volunteer work is a good way to focus my attention on something other than myself. I might as well help someone else who's down on their luck. Maybe it'll make me a better person. I'm in a long period of waiting right now. Besides that, I want to start working out at the gym, now that I found  my tech ID. Maybe I'll meet other void-fillers. I bet Alex is getting overwhelmed...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

BCM Girls Retreat...and stuff.

I knew there was a reason I chose to leave most of my money at home.
Here's a confession: Every time I hang out with a group of girls, especially church girls, I have this crazy urge to go blow every dollar I have. They seem so...put together. I feel like I don't have the right hair products, the right makeup, the right clothes...They even look good in their pajamas, I've found out...
So many logos and iphones and vera bradley bags...I can't help but be jealous.
I do want to be friends with girls. There are just some topics of conversation that don't interest guys. I'm not sure about how to go about doing it. I mean, I'd be too embarrassed to invite them over to my apartment. Guys don't really seem to care about poverty or bad decorating...I can't really drive over to anyone else's apartment either...
There are some girls who are easier to talk to. I suppose because they don't flash their money, so there's nothing to be jealous of. I met a really nice girl at Chi Alpha named Andrea. I hope I get to talk to her more. And of course I tell Brianna almost everything. We just "clicked," and I can't explain how rare that is.
Too bad pledging OPA (paying dues?) was such a stressful experience.
Meeting girls is so hard!!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Distracted by free food.

International Night and English Hour have become the highlights of my week. The free food got me to start going, but the people keep me there. English Hour is so different from last doesn't even seem like the same place. Ben is basically the only familiar person there. Of course, "last year," I was so busy following around "someone" that I didn't try to talk to any of the actual foreign students. I'm surprised how good most of them are at speaking English. They have a lot of interesting things to say, and they pay attention to what I have to say too. It's easy to not get attached to international students. You know they'll be leaving soon, so there is no shock.
International Night is a bit more awkward. That guy that messed me up in November? (Not Kyle) He's started showing up a lot more, and of course bringing his girlfriend. Being around them isn't as painful as it used to be, but it's still uncomfortable. I fix that by sitting on the other end of the room. Alex laughs and calls me paranoid, but he doesn't realize how long I cried over that guy. I listened to sad music for weeks. Until something sadder happened...
Awkward encounters aside, today is the first day since the end of Finals where I've spent more time happy (or content?) than sad. I still start off every morning listening to distance-songs, but it's more of a routine rather than an emotional outlet. I'm finally getting to the point where I seek people out rather than trying to avoid them. I think the part in my brain that lets me bond to people is still broken, but at least I can laugh.
Laughing is good. Good enough to blog about.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


This is really super weird, and I feel awkward even talking about it, but maybe someone can help me figure out if I've gone completely crazy.
My mom has been gone for a year and three months, and sometimes I see her in my dreams.
Most of my realistic dreams are reflecting on past events, like seeing people that I miss and doing the same, routine things we've always done. And in those dreams, I'm confused, because I know the people aren't supposed to be there.
In the mom-dreams, I'm not freaked out at all.
I'm always at a happy place, like a well-lit road or a lake shore.
I see her, and it's completely normal. I'm just like, "Oh hey, what's up? I haven't seen you in awhile."
And I talk to her. I tell her about what's going on in my life, like I would to any other long-distance family member. Sometimes she's accompanied by her cat that got hit on the road 2 years ago.
Sometimes she gives me advice. It's good advice that makes sense.
When I wake up, I'm super confused, but when I'm dreaming, I'm not confused at all.
I think I might be losing my mind.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Fire + sugar = Friday night adventure!

Yesterday, I was anticipating dying of boredom. I hate Fridays. Everyone goes home and leaves me stuck in Cookeville by myself. Alex went to his dad's in Knoxville. I was planning on going with him, but I was hesitant to leave town with someone I barely knew behind the wheel.
So, I went shopping instead. And no, I didn't waste (much of) my money. The most expensive purchase was clay supplies at Hobby Lobby. I really hope I can sell some charms/jewelry, because if I can't, I know it'll be another month of begging... >_< Brianna is making up to $30 a sale on her charms. I hope mine turn out as good as hers.
The clay profits will ideally pay for: shoes for winter formal, food for when Kale comes to visit, and eventually a new phone (next month?) and camera (probably never...) Today I was walking in the rain after someone stole my bike, and the water ruined my camera screen. So much for selling online, if I can't take pictures of what I make...
Anyway, away from the money topic...yesterday was fun. Normally, I spend my Fridays in the UC, pitying myself because my two weekend-friends aren't here. Instead, I went to a bonfire. I had no reason to say no...I had a ride, and Mike was going with me so I wouldn't have to be alone.
No one can be sad when they're stuffing themselves with marshmallows. I had at least 4, and managed to not light any of them on fire. It was fun watching the international students roast marshmallows for the first time - they must not have food like that in India/South America/Russia/etc...
I wish Alex could have showed up. At least Mike, Ben, and Tiffany were there. If it wasn't for them, I would have been standing around awkwardly for the whole time, stuffing my face and freezing. Mike's jacket was so warm and awesome. XD
Tyler texted me a lot while I was there. He was sad that he couldn't come to hang out. He feels like he's missing out on everything and everyone here, which is sad for him, but happy for me, because I know I am missed and he's excited to come back.
If anyone else invites me out on weekends, I'm not going to turn them down. Getting out gave me the exact kind of distraction I was looking for.

Friday, February 3, 2012

"Winter" Reflection

It's February! While Kale is at home telling me about frost on the trees and snow drifts that haven't melted yet, I'm walking to school, complaining about the heat. No, it's not 80s or anything like that, obviously, but when I instinctively put on a sweater and have to drag it around all's too hot for winter.
Oh, I'm not wishing it would be colder. I like warm weather, but it makes me feel so disoriented! I feel like it should be finals week, but I haven't even had a first test yet this semester! August feels so much closer than it really is...
I know summer will be here before I know it. The thought both thrills and terrifies me. Of course, my constant search of a void-filler will be over, but that also means I'll start my second-to-last year of school. I'll be half done.
I should be graduating this year. I'm so happy I'm not.
Sure, it's a little bit awkward knowing I'm two years older than the rest of my class, but it's better than the alternative -- hating my entire college experience because I wasn't mentally or socially ready to be living by myself without any help.
Because of swallowing my pride and finishing late...I have a chance. I just hope I don't screw it up. My first two and a half years have been littered with disappointments. I know no one's life is perfect, but I wouldn't mind having a little less loss in the next two years to come...
I think, in order to fully enjoy my last two years, I have to treat myself better.
If I cleaned my apartment, I could have more visitors, and even a roommate, leading to me not having to search for work in the summer.
If I exercised more and ate healthier, I'd look better, and more people would want to talk to me.
If I focus on my schoolwork more, I have the potential to get more scholarships, which could lead to stressing out my family less, and they would like me better too.
I try so hard to not be selfish -- to be available to everyone all at the same time...but while I wade through the dull routine that is winter semester, I think I need to set out more time for ME.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Sitting by myself at the B with no other options.

I am completely dissatisfied with my current social life, but I don't know how to fix it. That's not what the college experience is supposed to be about! I see the freshmen I met at the beginning of the semester, and they seem to have it all figured out...Of course, they found a solid group of friends within days of moving here...while I don't feel like there's a place for me to fit in anywhere.
I continuously try the BCM, but that's just a hit at my self-esteem. I drink. I swear. I come from a "broken family." ...I'm not good enough for them. They want people with G-rated lives. I've seen the leadership application. Plus, obviously, I'm not Baptist, and at Common Ground, when everyone is crying and waving their arms in gratitude to Jesus, this can be a problem.
The quieter, calmer UCSC is less intimidating, but people don't seem very receptive to newcomers. Especially since I'm not Church of Christ, either.
The Lutheran church doesn't even have a college group.
I royally suck at sports. Intramurals are out.
I researched Greek life a bit when I first got here, but I've heard that they don't look kindly on transfer students (or upperclassmen rushing), so I gave up there.
I rushed (and was accepted to) a community service sorority, but the girls there seemed to want nothing to do with me. I tried to be nice to them, but I think they already knew each other from before, and didn't have room for one more in their group.
I can never find the party crowd, but I can't really call myself that "type" since I definitely look down on sleeping around and illegal drugs.
Kyle & Tyler's friends don't really pay attention to me anymore. Why should they?
I can't leave town. My anxiety and lack of a car make that a sure thing.
Of course, Alex is great, but he still lives at home, so his parents can basically decide when he is able to go places with me. His friends are generally nice, but their entire lives revolve around one role-playing game. We have absolutely nothing in common.
I don't know where to turn. I wish I was one of those girls who was pretty enough to attract attention whenever I walked into a room. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so lonely.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Moment of weakness...

I'm a pretty good pretender...I tell everyone about how free I am because I don't have any family members telling me what to do, and how great I'm doing on my own...
And it's true. I'm happy when I'm under no one's authority, and I love my independence.
But sometimes I just want someone to call me and ask me about my day.
That's one of the things I miss most about my mom being around. She'd listen to all the tiny little details, and she acted like she really cared about what happened to me. I feel like I'm a nuisance if I call any of my other family members. They have so many things to deal with in their own lives, and most of them have other who has time for me?
I kinda feel like I got lost in the shuffle.
Oh, the curses of being the black sheep in a small, distant family...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I'm ashamed of my generation.
^ The above link will lead you to one of the most offensive things I've read in a long time.
For those of you who would rather not waste your lives to read such ignorant trash, a 21 year old girl describes how she would change the welfare system.
Change 1: No longer allow anything but rice, beans, cheese, and milk to be bought with food stamps.
Change 2: Any women who are in "the system" should have their tubes tied or be forced birth control. Especially if they have so much as a trace of alcohol in their system at the time of a random drug test. (This girl obviously doesn't understand the meaning of moderation?)
Change 3: Public housing would turn into military barracks, and anything but the bare essentials would be repossessed by the government.

There is no way this girl has ever lived through the slightest bit of a financial struggle. I hate to wish badly on people, but I hope someday she  finds her "happily ever after," and then her husband leaves her to support herself and her children on her own. I hope her parents refuse to help. Let's see how easy it is to just "suck it up and get a job."
Many Americans living in poverty already have a job, but it's not enough. The economy sucks, and it's nearly impossible to support yourself on minimum wage. Obviously, there are people who could work and choose not to, but there are just as many, if not more, who would jump at the chance to work, but things like a criminal record, lack of transportation, or lack of experience are preventing them from doing so.

Now, I have a personal confession to make. I have been on food stamps. First, when I moved out of my mom's house. I didn't accept the EBT card so I could blow it all on candy and pop. When my parents divorced, my mom couldn't afford to support me. She had troubles feeding herself, let alone feeding me. The extra $80 a month made it possible for me to live independently after spending the past 5 months nearly homeless.
Second, when I lived in Moorhead. I was going to school full time, but I looked for work. My record forced every business I interviewed at to throw out my application. My mom had just passed away, and money from sympathy cards only lasted so long. Plus, city life is expensive. I only got $50 a month there, but that's an extra week's worth of food for my ex and I.
I have other friends who are still on food stamps. They don't get enough to spend extravagantly. Those who spend it all on junk are going to regret it at the end of the month when their real food runs out. If you're in "the system," you have to learn how to spend money wisely. It has to stretch, which means the average diet will consist of pasta and other grain products...very little meat or fresh produce. "Nutrition" only comes in boxes and cans.

Secondly, public housing isn't bad enough? The writer acts like low-income apartments are expensively decorated with freshly painted walls and granite countertops. No. I have yet to see any apartments that accept welfare recipients in good shape. The best of them could only be called average. Most of the buildings I've lived in or visited have nasty smells, stains, or even holes in the walls. They're in sketchy parts of town where you hear more sirens than any other noise.
My landlord in Kentucky specialized in renting to people who couldn't afford anything better. When the knob on my bathtub broke, he gave me a pair of pliers to turn the hot water on, rather than fixing it. When the handle on my toilet broke off, he told me to fix it on my own. You get what you pay for. Once again, people who abuse the system exist, but if an apartment isn't pristine, it's probably because the renters can't afford cleaning supplies...or laundry money to wash the piled up clothes.

If this girl got her way, people who are down on their luck would be even more ostracized from society. What's next? Any quality clothes (even if they were bought at thrift stores) would be taken away, and replaced with bright orange shirts marked "poor?" Because they don't deserve the same things as normal people... It's already hard enough to struggle to provide basic necessities...I've seen some nasty things...and with people like this sadly sheltered girl in the world, it will never get any easier.

This link almost made me cry. She needs to walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Oh, the colors! (random update)

In the past few days, I've seen some amazing sunsets. They really have no significance in my life, other than to tell me that there can still be beauty in the darkest times. When I look up at the sky and it's brilliant shades of purple and pink, something tells me there's still a reason to wake up in the morning.
...Yeah, there's really no point to this post except to keep my views up and to let everyone know how I've been wasting my life in the last week.
I'm still broke and pathetic. (Nothing makes you feel crappier than seeing a $4 purse at Goodwill and knowing you can't buy it...) I am counting down the hours until my money comes next Friday. I'm not going to go on a crazy shopping spree and screw myself over like I usually do. I WILL buy that purse, but besides that, I'm only gonna get some food for the cats & myself, and the cheapest art supplies I can find to make pretty things out of clay.
My FINALLY updated, not-expired ID will come to me in the mail some time in the next couple of days. That means on weekends, when everyone goes home, and I get lonely, I can go sit in the bar by myself. Probably not the best way to spend my time, but what other options do I have? At least there are people there.
Speaking of random people, I've met a wonderful void-filler. His name is Mike. He does all the things Tyler used to do with me. We hang out in the UC together, go to BCM events, and he comes to English hour with me -- basically, all the things that Alex can't do. Sometimes we hang out as a group of 3. Tyler texted me on Thursday night, asking if Mike was going to replace him. I couldn't say no enough times. One person can fill the hole another person has left behind, but nobody can be replaced fully. When he comes back, he will have his spot back in his group and in my life, but the social circle will grow. I don't know if those two would get along. August will explain all, I suppose.
I'm feeling more hopeful than I have at all in the last month, though sometimes I still don't understand why my luck is so. bad.
So, there you have it. Sometimes I get stranded in the freezing rain, waiting for a ride that doesn't come, and sometimes the ride does come and I get to take pretty pictures in parking lots.
Life makes no sense.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Taking problems into my own hands...

Instead of begging for money from family members...I signed for an emergency loan.
Instead of letting the city turn my electricity off, I'm selling my bike to pay the bill.
Instead of dropping out of school because I know I can't pay back the loan or find a cosigner, I'm going to pawn my old laptop to cover at least part of the cost.

See? I'm taking care of myself!
And instead of using my Amazon gift cards to replace my lost mp3 player, I used $11 to buy a big chunk of clay that will someday be molded into jewelry and magnets to sell...If that is a success, hopefully I'll get enough profit to buy some more furniture from Goodwill/Craigslist/LSN...and then someday, my apartment will feel like a home.

I hope the struggle pays off soon.

Monday, January 23, 2012


I did a bad thing today. I skipped my broadcasting class. It was just easier not showing up and taking the zero for my daily assignment, than explaining in front of a room full of sorority girls that I couldn't watch the newscast we were assigned to analyze because I don't have a working TV or cable.
It's just so easy to be bitter. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm reminded that I'm one of the "needy." Some of my friends are even poorer than I am. My heart aches for them...
I can't help but wonder why most of the people at this school have money to throw away on overpriced candy bars and Starbucks drinks, while some friends of mine eat once a day because they can't afford enough food for 3 meals. (Thankfully, I happen to find myself at least two meals on most days.)
Why do some people have designer rainboots, while other people wear dirty clothes because they can't afford laundry? (Or in my case, can't get a ride to DO laundry...)
Why do some people live in flawless rental houses and drive new cars, while others are worried about being homeless?
When "the void" isn't consuming me, this is the other part of my religious struggle.
I realize that some people work hard for what they have...but honestly. In college, it's near impossible to live the "privileged" lifestyle on minimum wage. Most of these people have their parents throwing iPhones and designer purses at them for every holiday...
So does that mean God has decided that they are better people, and in turn, deserving of luxury, or even comfort, while other people are not? Are there only a select few that are worthless enough to be forced to live in hunger, need, and desperation?
The broke and supposedly "hopeless" aren't there because they choose to be. It's all chalked up to bad luck.
Some have fallen into bad habits, but I don't entirely blame them. Some kind of loss or tragedy has created a hole in them that is big enough that they don't know any other ways to fill it up...
I wish I could help them, but I can't, because I am one of them.
I have it better than a select few, because I do eat every day, and I'm not homeless...but every time I walk across campus and see all the smartphones, Coach accessories, and professionally-done hairstyles, I can't help but wonder why?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Best way to fill the void?

I brought up my most current abandonment issue with the bible study group on Tuesday.
I bet their deep-down reaction was, "AGAIN? Can't this girl hold on to anyone?"
It was comforting knowing that another girl in my group struggled with feeling alone after a breakup. I didn't get dumped of course, because the guy in question and I were never dating, but maybe some of the feelings are the same. Feeling like there's a giant hole in your life that nothing can fill up, and wanting to wander aimlessly around campus to look for the person, but knowing you can never find them...
Mostly, I got the advice I expected to get. So many people seem to think that I can heal completely if I just pray more. The way I see it, prayer is a distraction, not a permanent cure. Probably a healthier distraction than booze and impulse-shopping, but it can't give me what I'm missing. No matter how much I'd pray, go to church, or read the bible, would that really bring someone into my life that can sit with me at lunch, drive me around town, and listen to me talk about anything on my mind? Probably not...
Alex is the best cure I've found so far. He's like a star in a dark sky for me. When we're hanging out, life makes a little bit more sense. We just click so well...
But I'm still reaching into emptiness...because when he's not around, the void is still there, and it needs to be filled up somehow. Maybe that's why I've started hoarding cats. XD

Friday, January 20, 2012

More surprises... (a cat story)

I'm still kinda kicking myself for being a bad cat mom.
Last week, I found a new home for Moo. She destroyed my apartment because she got stressed out while I was at school all day. I gave her to someone who was done with school. She would be able to give Moo more attention. So things worked out well for Moo, but Callie got so depressed...again.
Literally the next day, a lady from LSN (the Craigslist of the south) e-mailed me with a black kitten who needed a home. I went to pick her up, and less than 12 hours later, the kitten magically found a way out of my apartment and disappeared. She was gone before I had a chance to name her.
Callie's clinginess kept getting worse throughout the week. For the last couple days, Callie wouldn't let me walk to a different room without following me. I searched LSN every day, but no cats jumped out to me...and I didn't want to disappoint anyone who would be sending their kitty to an unpredictable future. I had just about given up.
So last night...Alex gave me a ride home from International Night. We pulled into my parking spot and he mentioned seeing two stray cats. I assumed it was the two gray strays I normally feed...the girl kitty was there, but she had new company...a beautiful fuzzy, black and white cat that I've never seen before. It couldn't have been more than a year still has a young face.
I brought out a can of food to feed it, and luckily, it wasn't afraid of me. I caught it, and it slept in my arms last night. It's the friendliest stray I've ever met. This cat is not was abandoned, and I'm fairly sure it's been fixed. Yes, this cat is a boy! I thought it was a girl at first, because no boy cat can be that pretty.
The kitty has no desire to go back outside. Unlike all the other strays I've brought in, it wasn't clawing at the door and squealing all night. However, I think he has a current home, because he was dirty and matted when I found him. So for now, he's mine! Callie is still getting used to the idea, but it will take time. She cuddled with baby Nehi after a few days.
... I may have had a couple failures as a cat mom, but this furbaby is gonna be so spoiled, just like his little sister. I love him already.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Some days it rains. Some days the sun comes out.

I'm so happy I know Alex.
I don't know when he will get sick of me, or if he'll have to quit school, or if he'll end up dating one of my close friends. All 3 of those things have happened with other guys I've known in the last 6 months.
but until one of those three things undoubtedly happens, I'm glad I have a friend, and not just a void-filler.
The banner on my Facebook reads "You never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
I might as well try to enjoy myself while things are good.
Then, when life is bad again, at least I'll have more happy memories.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I'm not as dumb as you think I am -- explaining the money matters...

Normally, I don't have problems with running out before all the bills are paid.
When my electricity got shut off both times, it was because I couldn't find a ride to city hall to pay my bill.
but this month has held its own challenges.
Before you go about wondering about the mall-shopping I did at the beginning of the month...I got money for Christmas, from my dad, my grandparents, and one of my aunts. I spent very little of my own money at the mall.
I missed the advance payment deadline for ordering bus tickets back home. I didn't know my aunt expected me to use my own money to do so. After making a compromise over the phone, she ended up giving me $150 to order tickets in person, but they ended up costing $192. That $42 could have paid my electric bill.'s gone.
My uncle gave me $300 in a Christmas card that was supposed to pay for my convention tickets, and the leftover $100 or so would be back-up for any unexpected costs, but that's gone too, because of something really odd that happened. Here's the story:
My grandparents promised to buy me a new laptop, after they heard that my other one died. My aunt was supposed to come up to Fargo to pay for it (and my grandma would write her a check for the amount later). On the day before she was supposed to come see me, one of my aunt's distant relatives died. She called me to say she couldn't come up to help me buy the laptop because she had to plan funeral arrangements or something. Instead of sending my cousin or any other relative to come get me, or sending me a moneygram, she just said I didn't need a new laptop, and I could just "get by" with the one I had.
[That was NOT her gift to take away...]
Apparently the repairman said all my old one needed was a fan. I've tried fans...multiple times. They don't work. My old laptop still overheated after about 15-20 minutes of being on. I knew I needed a stable laptop that would work. Not only so I could keep in touch with friends and keep my blog going.
I knew I had to register for classes (which is an ONLINE process!) and take notes once those classes started, write papers, research for those papers, etc. The library computers aren't accessible all the time! I have homework to do this weekend, and since it's a "holiday," the library is closed. I anticipated that.
So on last Saturday, my last day in North Dakota, Trista and her boyfriend drove me to Walmart to pick up my new laptop. My aunt still doesn't know.
A friend of hers called me while I was on the bus and told me, "Don't call over there. She's too stressed out about you asking her for money and help all the time." ...I haven't heard from her since. Tuition is due on Wednesday, and she's not even answering her e-mails. I sense a huge bomb about to explode...
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't signed over any of the estate money, if I'd be better off right now.
I don't know who to talk to? None of my other familly members have called me either... :\

Friday, January 13, 2012


This time, I think I have more to write about. Today, I just finished my second day of the spring semester.
Just like last time, I'm going to have to survive studying without books or an at-home internet connection.
It's only the 13th, and I'm already out of money.
Tuition is due next Wednesday, and apparently I'm not supposed to call my aunt because she's too stressed out.
Due to my phone messing up, I had to pay $50 to reactivate that, rather than paying my electric bill on time.
Money sucks. But that's really no surprise. That's not what I'm concentrating this post on anyway.
(I do have more than enough food, so no worries there.)
I really like my classes so far. I haven't had Biology yet (but will on Tuesday.)
Criminology is gonna be really hard, but it's interesting, so I'm motivated to take notes. It's classes like that, that make me wish Sociology was a more feasible major. I don't know anyone there, but there are a few friendly people that sit in the back row.
Intro to Broadcast Journalism is awesome. I don't know anyone there either, but I can tell I'm gonna like the teacher. She's probably old enough to be my grandmother, or at least a great-aunt, but she knows what she's talking about when it comes to video stuff. I like that she doesn't seem to pick favorites. There are a lot of rich sorority girls in that class...It'd really suck if she gave them better grades because they could afford to shoot with expensive equipment. Thankfully, I do believe she's better than that.
History is SO DULL, but Alex is there and we keep each other entertained.
Alex is so cool. He was Brianna's friend first...but since she's not here, we've been hanging out together a lot. One awesome thing: Even if something bad happens and he can't come to school, I won't lose him as a friend because he lives in Cookeville. Unless his entire family moves, he's not going anywhere. I just hope he won't get sick of me. :)
I am still incredibly bitter about Tyler not being here. (and I miss Brianna too, but I know she's closer.) Yesterday was really, really bad, but today is more of a dull ache rather than a knife wound. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard. There are all kinds of pills to make a headache or a cramp go away...why are there not pills that make emotional pain go away? I suppose that's what booze is for? But it's sooo expensive and not good for me...
Maybe I'd feel better if the sun would come out. (or that the clouds would go away, since it's dark now.) The other locals say the snow is so pretty, but I think it's hideous. I hate snow. It's cold, slippery, and makes walking home much more difficult! I'm about to do that...3 Kroger bags in hand...wishing the night bus existed  to rescue me from 6 blocks of turning into a human popsicle!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

the other side of my double life

As everyone already knows...I got back to Cookeville on Monday afternoon. The bus ride was uneventful. Nothing much to report there. When I wasn't reading or texting, I was sleeping. I purposely pulled an all-nighter on Saturday night before I left, so I'd sleep for most of the ride. My sleeping schedule is still messed up, but at least I was too tired to be anxious?
Callie and Moo were SO HAPPY to see me when I got home. If I'm in my apartment, they're rubbing up on my legs and following me everywhere I go. Last night, they both slept on the couch with me. (I can't sleep in my room until I can clean the carpet. When the kitties get stressed out, they poop. I'm still cleaning up the mess.)
Since getting off the bus, I've ran into Ben, Tiffany, Patrick, William, Colton, Will, and Divonne...
I haven't made plans with anyone, but people just seem to find me...So much for being antisocial, right?
I think that's how it's gonna be though.
I'm gonna try to find ways to be content alone, and if people want to find me, I won't stop them.
In other's raining.
Kinda fits my mood...

(I'm really not in the mood for blogging, but I figure I better write something. Tomorrow I have a secret to share!)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I feel most at home in an empty house.

(For once, I won't write about you-know-who going you-know-where. I promise.)
Right now, I'm staying with Brett (an ex I am still friends with) and his roommate. I'm staying here until Saturday night, as far as I know. I was almost sad to leave my cousin's house, but I'm happy I'm here now. Megan's guest room bed is the most comfortable thing I've ever laid in outside of a hotel. And she leaves me alone when I want to be by myself. She lets me be hermit-like if I feel like it, which in turn, makes me like her more and talk more.
But anyway, now that I'm here, I've had fun. Of course I already anticipate being broke for the rest of the month after this week, but you only live once, right? And I'm hoping someone will finally reply to my roommate request and all my money problems will be solved...(I've decided to buy the cheaper convention tickets. That way I have a bit more financial freedom...unless something crazy happens and someone buys something I'll sell on Craigslist...)
I do spend a lot of time at the mall, but thankfully I haven't gone on any big splurges. I bought some earrings, a T-shirt, another pony to add to my collection, some new hair ties...Oh, and a keychain with a really offensive word written all over it. It makes me feel rebellious. XD
Besides hanging out with Brett, I went over to Dawn's apartment today and we watched My Little Pony movies. I had forgotten that she's a fan too. I brought over my figurines and she had was a nerd party! I was texting Tyler at the same time so we could bring another pony fan into the fun. Tomorrow she's going to Hot Topic so she can find a shirt like mine. It was so expensive, but I don't regret it...yet.
This city is filled with good distractions, but I'm smart enough to know I left for a reason. (Expenses...and half of my high school also lives here.) Just because people are being nice now, doesn't mean that living here while in college would be easy. I'm keeping my nostalgia at arm's length, so returning to Cookeville won't be any more painful. It's nice to know I am welcome to visit in the summer! I plan on staying for longer then, maybe a month? Oh, what a broke month that will be!
Going back to the "empty house"'s true. All I really want is to be alone and bury myself in my Hole of Sad, but maybe I need to fight against that...
At least while I'm here.
For the next few days, I am determined to talk to as many people as possible, and not say no to a single plan, unless it is expensive or would cause unneccessary panic.
So that way if I end up being lonely in Cookeville, at least I'll have good memories to keep me going until I can meet a new void-filler.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Returning to where I once was.

I'm in Fargo again. Which for those of you who don't know, is where the bus dropped me off after that miserably long ride. I had planned on staying with an ex on the other side of the river, but for tonight I'm at my cousin's house again, because Brett's road trip ended up going longer than expected. I'll be heading that way tomorrow, to sip italian sodas at my favorite coffee shop and spend the day reading completely NON-educational books at the library.
My break is two-thirds over. Maybe a bit more?
I didn't blog at my dad's because his internet, for some reason, would not let me post the links to Facebook, and since no one reads my blogs without the Facebook links, I felt no need to write. Also, after the first few days, there wasn't much to write about.
Recap: I celebrated Christmas once in Staples with Kristi, Scott, and the kids. It was great seeing them again, but I was too sad and unenergetic to follow the kids around, or stay for more than a day.
The Tuesday after Christmas I went to my grandparents' house, where I stuffed myself with food and opened some really awesome presents.
I celebrated for the third time on New Years Eve with my mom's roommate, who bought me more awesome things, and I got to see Jack...the little siamese kitten that we got on the fourth of July (2010), who is now bordering on obese. I missed him. :)
Between the holiday-celebrations, I watched a lot of TV and tried to keep my dad's demon dogs from destroying everything I own. (This is why I'm a cat person...) I'm not complaining about being bored. True, sometimes I didn't know what to do with myself in such a small town, and sometimes I was really lonely, but I needed a break from chaos.
I also needed a break from trying to impress everyone and be "good enough." For the last two weeks, I was basically free to be myself and no one said anything about it. At Tech, Tyler/Kyle's friends mostly accepted me, no matter what kind of mess I turned out to be, but what do I have left now?
Yep, while I was at my dad's, I did things that my more "innocent" southern friends wouldn't approve of. I dropped a few swear words in casual conversation. I listened to angry music. I drank. A lot. ...on New Year's Eve, because I was so depressed thinking about going back to school so soon. When I was dizzy and talking to myself, I didn't think about how nice it would be to just disappear before more people can leave me. It was nice to not think.
I've gotten some cute texts over the last week that show me that starting school again may not be as bad as I'm expecting. But until I'm proven wrong I'll try my best to prepare myself for four months of fake smiles and constantly saying "Oh, I'm fine!" because that's what people want to hear.
When someone asks me that question, "How are you?" of course I'll never answer, "My heart is still broken into pieces because one of the few good people who said they wouldn't leave me broke their promise, and I'm only here because I have nowhere else to go, and while you're posting on Facebook about how blessed you are, because YOU don't have abandonment issues...I'm half tempted to drink myself stupid again just to numb myself...but how was YOUR break?"
I'll say, "Oh, Minnesota was cold. I did a lot of shopping, and now I don't have to borrow Ben's laptop anymore."
Both statements are true, but I know what people will listen to.
...which is part of the reason I wish I could stay here. (I rant and rave and complain and cry and people LISTEN. It's awesome.) I won't, of course. I'll be back in Cookeville to punch second semester in the face on January 9th.
But I think I've come to the realization that I'll only be in Tennessee to finish my degree. MAYBE, if someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me want to settle...I'll stick around for longer...