My posts over the last two months revolve around the same topic: Sadness.
Sometimes I get lost and find myself in a mood that could almost be called normal, but it goes more often than it comes.
I think I am clinically depressed.
When I was in 8th grade, I was diagnosed with depression, but I don't believe I really had it. The medication didn't do anything except make me lose weight (not that I complained at the time...)
I think my frustrations stemmed from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. (I got the panic disorder label a year later, and that is now much better managed than it ever used to be.) I looked at the common symptoms, and they all seem to fit me now.
Sadness that lasts for longer than 2 weeks.
I can't seem to sleep enough.
Food has lost its taste.
Previously enjoyable things leave me feeling emotionless.
This doesn't mean that I never smile or laugh. I do. But there are some deep-rooted issues that are always eating at me.
I know some of my BCM friends may argue that I don't spend enough time with God. I have been going to church more often lately (and benefitting from it), but that doesn't mean that everything will automatically be sunshine and rainbows. I believe prayer can change lives, but I also believe that God has given us the gift of anti-depressants and therapy.
Too bad they aren't free.
Whether I stay untreated and hit rock bottom someday, or "snap out of it," at least now I realize that there is probably something wrong with my brain. People with physical ailments will try to get better. I want to get better. Hence, why I'm not afraid of blogging about it.
I don't know what is going to happen to me, and that is really scary sometimes. But I know I'm not the only person out there who hasn't been able to shake the bad feelings, and if any other uninsured people in the local area have suffered with similar trials, I'd really like to know what helped them. Maybe it could help me.