Monday, January 30, 2012

Sitting by myself at the B with no other options.

I am completely dissatisfied with my current social life, but I don't know how to fix it. That's not what the college experience is supposed to be about! I see the freshmen I met at the beginning of the semester, and they seem to have it all figured out...Of course, they found a solid group of friends within days of moving here...while I don't feel like there's a place for me to fit in anywhere.
I continuously try the BCM, but that's just a hit at my self-esteem. I drink. I swear. I come from a "broken family." ...I'm not good enough for them. They want people with G-rated lives. I've seen the leadership application. Plus, obviously, I'm not Baptist, and at Common Ground, when everyone is crying and waving their arms in gratitude to Jesus, this can be a problem.
The quieter, calmer UCSC is less intimidating, but people don't seem very receptive to newcomers. Especially since I'm not Church of Christ, either.
The Lutheran church doesn't even have a college group.
I royally suck at sports. Intramurals are out.
I researched Greek life a bit when I first got here, but I've heard that they don't look kindly on transfer students (or upperclassmen rushing), so I gave up there.
I rushed (and was accepted to) a community service sorority, but the girls there seemed to want nothing to do with me. I tried to be nice to them, but I think they already knew each other from before, and didn't have room for one more in their group.
I can never find the party crowd, but I can't really call myself that "type" since I definitely look down on sleeping around and illegal drugs.
Kyle & Tyler's friends don't really pay attention to me anymore. Why should they?
I can't leave town. My anxiety and lack of a car make that a sure thing.
Of course, Alex is great, but he still lives at home, so his parents can basically decide when he is able to go places with me. His friends are generally nice, but their entire lives revolve around one role-playing game. We have absolutely nothing in common.
I don't know where to turn. I wish I was one of those girls who was pretty enough to attract attention whenever I walked into a room. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so lonely.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Moment of weakness...

I'm a pretty good pretender...I tell everyone about how free I am because I don't have any family members telling me what to do, and how great I'm doing on my own...
And it's true. I'm happy when I'm under no one's authority, and I love my independence.
But sometimes I just want someone to call me and ask me about my day.
That's one of the things I miss most about my mom being around. She'd listen to all the tiny little details, and she acted like she really cared about what happened to me. I feel like I'm a nuisance if I call any of my other family members. They have so many things to deal with in their own lives, and most of them have other who has time for me?
I kinda feel like I got lost in the shuffle.
Oh, the curses of being the black sheep in a small, distant family...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I'm ashamed of my generation.
^ The above link will lead you to one of the most offensive things I've read in a long time.
For those of you who would rather not waste your lives to read such ignorant trash, a 21 year old girl describes how she would change the welfare system.
Change 1: No longer allow anything but rice, beans, cheese, and milk to be bought with food stamps.
Change 2: Any women who are in "the system" should have their tubes tied or be forced birth control. Especially if they have so much as a trace of alcohol in their system at the time of a random drug test. (This girl obviously doesn't understand the meaning of moderation?)
Change 3: Public housing would turn into military barracks, and anything but the bare essentials would be repossessed by the government.

There is no way this girl has ever lived through the slightest bit of a financial struggle. I hate to wish badly on people, but I hope someday she  finds her "happily ever after," and then her husband leaves her to support herself and her children on her own. I hope her parents refuse to help. Let's see how easy it is to just "suck it up and get a job."
Many Americans living in poverty already have a job, but it's not enough. The economy sucks, and it's nearly impossible to support yourself on minimum wage. Obviously, there are people who could work and choose not to, but there are just as many, if not more, who would jump at the chance to work, but things like a criminal record, lack of transportation, or lack of experience are preventing them from doing so.

Now, I have a personal confession to make. I have been on food stamps. First, when I moved out of my mom's house. I didn't accept the EBT card so I could blow it all on candy and pop. When my parents divorced, my mom couldn't afford to support me. She had troubles feeding herself, let alone feeding me. The extra $80 a month made it possible for me to live independently after spending the past 5 months nearly homeless.
Second, when I lived in Moorhead. I was going to school full time, but I looked for work. My record forced every business I interviewed at to throw out my application. My mom had just passed away, and money from sympathy cards only lasted so long. Plus, city life is expensive. I only got $50 a month there, but that's an extra week's worth of food for my ex and I.
I have other friends who are still on food stamps. They don't get enough to spend extravagantly. Those who spend it all on junk are going to regret it at the end of the month when their real food runs out. If you're in "the system," you have to learn how to spend money wisely. It has to stretch, which means the average diet will consist of pasta and other grain products...very little meat or fresh produce. "Nutrition" only comes in boxes and cans.

Secondly, public housing isn't bad enough? The writer acts like low-income apartments are expensively decorated with freshly painted walls and granite countertops. No. I have yet to see any apartments that accept welfare recipients in good shape. The best of them could only be called average. Most of the buildings I've lived in or visited have nasty smells, stains, or even holes in the walls. They're in sketchy parts of town where you hear more sirens than any other noise.
My landlord in Kentucky specialized in renting to people who couldn't afford anything better. When the knob on my bathtub broke, he gave me a pair of pliers to turn the hot water on, rather than fixing it. When the handle on my toilet broke off, he told me to fix it on my own. You get what you pay for. Once again, people who abuse the system exist, but if an apartment isn't pristine, it's probably because the renters can't afford cleaning supplies...or laundry money to wash the piled up clothes.

If this girl got her way, people who are down on their luck would be even more ostracized from society. What's next? Any quality clothes (even if they were bought at thrift stores) would be taken away, and replaced with bright orange shirts marked "poor?" Because they don't deserve the same things as normal people... It's already hard enough to struggle to provide basic necessities...I've seen some nasty things...and with people like this sadly sheltered girl in the world, it will never get any easier.

This link almost made me cry. She needs to walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Oh, the colors! (random update)

In the past few days, I've seen some amazing sunsets. They really have no significance in my life, other than to tell me that there can still be beauty in the darkest times. When I look up at the sky and it's brilliant shades of purple and pink, something tells me there's still a reason to wake up in the morning.
...Yeah, there's really no point to this post except to keep my views up and to let everyone know how I've been wasting my life in the last week.
I'm still broke and pathetic. (Nothing makes you feel crappier than seeing a $4 purse at Goodwill and knowing you can't buy it...) I am counting down the hours until my money comes next Friday. I'm not going to go on a crazy shopping spree and screw myself over like I usually do. I WILL buy that purse, but besides that, I'm only gonna get some food for the cats & myself, and the cheapest art supplies I can find to make pretty things out of clay.
My FINALLY updated, not-expired ID will come to me in the mail some time in the next couple of days. That means on weekends, when everyone goes home, and I get lonely, I can go sit in the bar by myself. Probably not the best way to spend my time, but what other options do I have? At least there are people there.
Speaking of random people, I've met a wonderful void-filler. His name is Mike. He does all the things Tyler used to do with me. We hang out in the UC together, go to BCM events, and he comes to English hour with me -- basically, all the things that Alex can't do. Sometimes we hang out as a group of 3. Tyler texted me on Thursday night, asking if Mike was going to replace him. I couldn't say no enough times. One person can fill the hole another person has left behind, but nobody can be replaced fully. When he comes back, he will have his spot back in his group and in my life, but the social circle will grow. I don't know if those two would get along. August will explain all, I suppose.
I'm feeling more hopeful than I have at all in the last month, though sometimes I still don't understand why my luck is so. bad.
So, there you have it. Sometimes I get stranded in the freezing rain, waiting for a ride that doesn't come, and sometimes the ride does come and I get to take pretty pictures in parking lots.
Life makes no sense.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Taking problems into my own hands...

Instead of begging for money from family members...I signed for an emergency loan.
Instead of letting the city turn my electricity off, I'm selling my bike to pay the bill.
Instead of dropping out of school because I know I can't pay back the loan or find a cosigner, I'm going to pawn my old laptop to cover at least part of the cost.

See? I'm taking care of myself!
And instead of using my Amazon gift cards to replace my lost mp3 player, I used $11 to buy a big chunk of clay that will someday be molded into jewelry and magnets to sell...If that is a success, hopefully I'll get enough profit to buy some more furniture from Goodwill/Craigslist/LSN...and then someday, my apartment will feel like a home.

I hope the struggle pays off soon.

Monday, January 23, 2012


I did a bad thing today. I skipped my broadcasting class. It was just easier not showing up and taking the zero for my daily assignment, than explaining in front of a room full of sorority girls that I couldn't watch the newscast we were assigned to analyze because I don't have a working TV or cable.
It's just so easy to be bitter. It seems like everywhere I turn, I'm reminded that I'm one of the "needy." Some of my friends are even poorer than I am. My heart aches for them...
I can't help but wonder why most of the people at this school have money to throw away on overpriced candy bars and Starbucks drinks, while some friends of mine eat once a day because they can't afford enough food for 3 meals. (Thankfully, I happen to find myself at least two meals on most days.)
Why do some people have designer rainboots, while other people wear dirty clothes because they can't afford laundry? (Or in my case, can't get a ride to DO laundry...)
Why do some people live in flawless rental houses and drive new cars, while others are worried about being homeless?
When "the void" isn't consuming me, this is the other part of my religious struggle.
I realize that some people work hard for what they have...but honestly. In college, it's near impossible to live the "privileged" lifestyle on minimum wage. Most of these people have their parents throwing iPhones and designer purses at them for every holiday...
So does that mean God has decided that they are better people, and in turn, deserving of luxury, or even comfort, while other people are not? Are there only a select few that are worthless enough to be forced to live in hunger, need, and desperation?
The broke and supposedly "hopeless" aren't there because they choose to be. It's all chalked up to bad luck.
Some have fallen into bad habits, but I don't entirely blame them. Some kind of loss or tragedy has created a hole in them that is big enough that they don't know any other ways to fill it up...
I wish I could help them, but I can't, because I am one of them.
I have it better than a select few, because I do eat every day, and I'm not homeless...but every time I walk across campus and see all the smartphones, Coach accessories, and professionally-done hairstyles, I can't help but wonder why?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Best way to fill the void?

I brought up my most current abandonment issue with the bible study group on Tuesday.
I bet their deep-down reaction was, "AGAIN? Can't this girl hold on to anyone?"
It was comforting knowing that another girl in my group struggled with feeling alone after a breakup. I didn't get dumped of course, because the guy in question and I were never dating, but maybe some of the feelings are the same. Feeling like there's a giant hole in your life that nothing can fill up, and wanting to wander aimlessly around campus to look for the person, but knowing you can never find them...
Mostly, I got the advice I expected to get. So many people seem to think that I can heal completely if I just pray more. The way I see it, prayer is a distraction, not a permanent cure. Probably a healthier distraction than booze and impulse-shopping, but it can't give me what I'm missing. No matter how much I'd pray, go to church, or read the bible, would that really bring someone into my life that can sit with me at lunch, drive me around town, and listen to me talk about anything on my mind? Probably not...
Alex is the best cure I've found so far. He's like a star in a dark sky for me. When we're hanging out, life makes a little bit more sense. We just click so well...
But I'm still reaching into emptiness...because when he's not around, the void is still there, and it needs to be filled up somehow. Maybe that's why I've started hoarding cats. XD

Friday, January 20, 2012

More surprises... (a cat story)

I'm still kinda kicking myself for being a bad cat mom.
Last week, I found a new home for Moo. She destroyed my apartment because she got stressed out while I was at school all day. I gave her to someone who was done with school. She would be able to give Moo more attention. So things worked out well for Moo, but Callie got so depressed...again.
Literally the next day, a lady from LSN (the Craigslist of the south) e-mailed me with a black kitten who needed a home. I went to pick her up, and less than 12 hours later, the kitten magically found a way out of my apartment and disappeared. She was gone before I had a chance to name her.
Callie's clinginess kept getting worse throughout the week. For the last couple days, Callie wouldn't let me walk to a different room without following me. I searched LSN every day, but no cats jumped out to me...and I didn't want to disappoint anyone who would be sending their kitty to an unpredictable future. I had just about given up.
So last night...Alex gave me a ride home from International Night. We pulled into my parking spot and he mentioned seeing two stray cats. I assumed it was the two gray strays I normally feed...the girl kitty was there, but she had new company...a beautiful fuzzy, black and white cat that I've never seen before. It couldn't have been more than a year still has a young face.
I brought out a can of food to feed it, and luckily, it wasn't afraid of me. I caught it, and it slept in my arms last night. It's the friendliest stray I've ever met. This cat is not was abandoned, and I'm fairly sure it's been fixed. Yes, this cat is a boy! I thought it was a girl at first, because no boy cat can be that pretty.
The kitty has no desire to go back outside. Unlike all the other strays I've brought in, it wasn't clawing at the door and squealing all night. However, I think he has a current home, because he was dirty and matted when I found him. So for now, he's mine! Callie is still getting used to the idea, but it will take time. She cuddled with baby Nehi after a few days.
... I may have had a couple failures as a cat mom, but this furbaby is gonna be so spoiled, just like his little sister. I love him already.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Some days it rains. Some days the sun comes out.

I'm so happy I know Alex.
I don't know when he will get sick of me, or if he'll have to quit school, or if he'll end up dating one of my close friends. All 3 of those things have happened with other guys I've known in the last 6 months.
but until one of those three things undoubtedly happens, I'm glad I have a friend, and not just a void-filler.
The banner on my Facebook reads "You never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
I might as well try to enjoy myself while things are good.
Then, when life is bad again, at least I'll have more happy memories.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I'm not as dumb as you think I am -- explaining the money matters...

Normally, I don't have problems with running out before all the bills are paid.
When my electricity got shut off both times, it was because I couldn't find a ride to city hall to pay my bill.
but this month has held its own challenges.
Before you go about wondering about the mall-shopping I did at the beginning of the month...I got money for Christmas, from my dad, my grandparents, and one of my aunts. I spent very little of my own money at the mall.
I missed the advance payment deadline for ordering bus tickets back home. I didn't know my aunt expected me to use my own money to do so. After making a compromise over the phone, she ended up giving me $150 to order tickets in person, but they ended up costing $192. That $42 could have paid my electric bill.'s gone.
My uncle gave me $300 in a Christmas card that was supposed to pay for my convention tickets, and the leftover $100 or so would be back-up for any unexpected costs, but that's gone too, because of something really odd that happened. Here's the story:
My grandparents promised to buy me a new laptop, after they heard that my other one died. My aunt was supposed to come up to Fargo to pay for it (and my grandma would write her a check for the amount later). On the day before she was supposed to come see me, one of my aunt's distant relatives died. She called me to say she couldn't come up to help me buy the laptop because she had to plan funeral arrangements or something. Instead of sending my cousin or any other relative to come get me, or sending me a moneygram, she just said I didn't need a new laptop, and I could just "get by" with the one I had.
[That was NOT her gift to take away...]
Apparently the repairman said all my old one needed was a fan. I've tried fans...multiple times. They don't work. My old laptop still overheated after about 15-20 minutes of being on. I knew I needed a stable laptop that would work. Not only so I could keep in touch with friends and keep my blog going.
I knew I had to register for classes (which is an ONLINE process!) and take notes once those classes started, write papers, research for those papers, etc. The library computers aren't accessible all the time! I have homework to do this weekend, and since it's a "holiday," the library is closed. I anticipated that.
So on last Saturday, my last day in North Dakota, Trista and her boyfriend drove me to Walmart to pick up my new laptop. My aunt still doesn't know.
A friend of hers called me while I was on the bus and told me, "Don't call over there. She's too stressed out about you asking her for money and help all the time." ...I haven't heard from her since. Tuition is due on Wednesday, and she's not even answering her e-mails. I sense a huge bomb about to explode...
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't signed over any of the estate money, if I'd be better off right now.
I don't know who to talk to? None of my other familly members have called me either... :\

Friday, January 13, 2012


This time, I think I have more to write about. Today, I just finished my second day of the spring semester.
Just like last time, I'm going to have to survive studying without books or an at-home internet connection.
It's only the 13th, and I'm already out of money.
Tuition is due next Wednesday, and apparently I'm not supposed to call my aunt because she's too stressed out.
Due to my phone messing up, I had to pay $50 to reactivate that, rather than paying my electric bill on time.
Money sucks. But that's really no surprise. That's not what I'm concentrating this post on anyway.
(I do have more than enough food, so no worries there.)
I really like my classes so far. I haven't had Biology yet (but will on Tuesday.)
Criminology is gonna be really hard, but it's interesting, so I'm motivated to take notes. It's classes like that, that make me wish Sociology was a more feasible major. I don't know anyone there, but there are a few friendly people that sit in the back row.
Intro to Broadcast Journalism is awesome. I don't know anyone there either, but I can tell I'm gonna like the teacher. She's probably old enough to be my grandmother, or at least a great-aunt, but she knows what she's talking about when it comes to video stuff. I like that she doesn't seem to pick favorites. There are a lot of rich sorority girls in that class...It'd really suck if she gave them better grades because they could afford to shoot with expensive equipment. Thankfully, I do believe she's better than that.
History is SO DULL, but Alex is there and we keep each other entertained.
Alex is so cool. He was Brianna's friend first...but since she's not here, we've been hanging out together a lot. One awesome thing: Even if something bad happens and he can't come to school, I won't lose him as a friend because he lives in Cookeville. Unless his entire family moves, he's not going anywhere. I just hope he won't get sick of me. :)
I am still incredibly bitter about Tyler not being here. (and I miss Brianna too, but I know she's closer.) Yesterday was really, really bad, but today is more of a dull ache rather than a knife wound. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard. There are all kinds of pills to make a headache or a cramp go away...why are there not pills that make emotional pain go away? I suppose that's what booze is for? But it's sooo expensive and not good for me...
Maybe I'd feel better if the sun would come out. (or that the clouds would go away, since it's dark now.) The other locals say the snow is so pretty, but I think it's hideous. I hate snow. It's cold, slippery, and makes walking home much more difficult! I'm about to do that...3 Kroger bags in hand...wishing the night bus existed  to rescue me from 6 blocks of turning into a human popsicle!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

the other side of my double life

As everyone already knows...I got back to Cookeville on Monday afternoon. The bus ride was uneventful. Nothing much to report there. When I wasn't reading or texting, I was sleeping. I purposely pulled an all-nighter on Saturday night before I left, so I'd sleep for most of the ride. My sleeping schedule is still messed up, but at least I was too tired to be anxious?
Callie and Moo were SO HAPPY to see me when I got home. If I'm in my apartment, they're rubbing up on my legs and following me everywhere I go. Last night, they both slept on the couch with me. (I can't sleep in my room until I can clean the carpet. When the kitties get stressed out, they poop. I'm still cleaning up the mess.)
Since getting off the bus, I've ran into Ben, Tiffany, Patrick, William, Colton, Will, and Divonne...
I haven't made plans with anyone, but people just seem to find me...So much for being antisocial, right?
I think that's how it's gonna be though.
I'm gonna try to find ways to be content alone, and if people want to find me, I won't stop them.
In other's raining.
Kinda fits my mood...

(I'm really not in the mood for blogging, but I figure I better write something. Tomorrow I have a secret to share!)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I feel most at home in an empty house.

(For once, I won't write about you-know-who going you-know-where. I promise.)
Right now, I'm staying with Brett (an ex I am still friends with) and his roommate. I'm staying here until Saturday night, as far as I know. I was almost sad to leave my cousin's house, but I'm happy I'm here now. Megan's guest room bed is the most comfortable thing I've ever laid in outside of a hotel. And she leaves me alone when I want to be by myself. She lets me be hermit-like if I feel like it, which in turn, makes me like her more and talk more.
But anyway, now that I'm here, I've had fun. Of course I already anticipate being broke for the rest of the month after this week, but you only live once, right? And I'm hoping someone will finally reply to my roommate request and all my money problems will be solved...(I've decided to buy the cheaper convention tickets. That way I have a bit more financial freedom...unless something crazy happens and someone buys something I'll sell on Craigslist...)
I do spend a lot of time at the mall, but thankfully I haven't gone on any big splurges. I bought some earrings, a T-shirt, another pony to add to my collection, some new hair ties...Oh, and a keychain with a really offensive word written all over it. It makes me feel rebellious. XD
Besides hanging out with Brett, I went over to Dawn's apartment today and we watched My Little Pony movies. I had forgotten that she's a fan too. I brought over my figurines and she had was a nerd party! I was texting Tyler at the same time so we could bring another pony fan into the fun. Tomorrow she's going to Hot Topic so she can find a shirt like mine. It was so expensive, but I don't regret it...yet.
This city is filled with good distractions, but I'm smart enough to know I left for a reason. (Expenses...and half of my high school also lives here.) Just because people are being nice now, doesn't mean that living here while in college would be easy. I'm keeping my nostalgia at arm's length, so returning to Cookeville won't be any more painful. It's nice to know I am welcome to visit in the summer! I plan on staying for longer then, maybe a month? Oh, what a broke month that will be!
Going back to the "empty house"'s true. All I really want is to be alone and bury myself in my Hole of Sad, but maybe I need to fight against that...
At least while I'm here.
For the next few days, I am determined to talk to as many people as possible, and not say no to a single plan, unless it is expensive or would cause unneccessary panic.
So that way if I end up being lonely in Cookeville, at least I'll have good memories to keep me going until I can meet a new void-filler.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Returning to where I once was.

I'm in Fargo again. Which for those of you who don't know, is where the bus dropped me off after that miserably long ride. I had planned on staying with an ex on the other side of the river, but for tonight I'm at my cousin's house again, because Brett's road trip ended up going longer than expected. I'll be heading that way tomorrow, to sip italian sodas at my favorite coffee shop and spend the day reading completely NON-educational books at the library.
My break is two-thirds over. Maybe a bit more?
I didn't blog at my dad's because his internet, for some reason, would not let me post the links to Facebook, and since no one reads my blogs without the Facebook links, I felt no need to write. Also, after the first few days, there wasn't much to write about.
Recap: I celebrated Christmas once in Staples with Kristi, Scott, and the kids. It was great seeing them again, but I was too sad and unenergetic to follow the kids around, or stay for more than a day.
The Tuesday after Christmas I went to my grandparents' house, where I stuffed myself with food and opened some really awesome presents.
I celebrated for the third time on New Years Eve with my mom's roommate, who bought me more awesome things, and I got to see Jack...the little siamese kitten that we got on the fourth of July (2010), who is now bordering on obese. I missed him. :)
Between the holiday-celebrations, I watched a lot of TV and tried to keep my dad's demon dogs from destroying everything I own. (This is why I'm a cat person...) I'm not complaining about being bored. True, sometimes I didn't know what to do with myself in such a small town, and sometimes I was really lonely, but I needed a break from chaos.
I also needed a break from trying to impress everyone and be "good enough." For the last two weeks, I was basically free to be myself and no one said anything about it. At Tech, Tyler/Kyle's friends mostly accepted me, no matter what kind of mess I turned out to be, but what do I have left now?
Yep, while I was at my dad's, I did things that my more "innocent" southern friends wouldn't approve of. I dropped a few swear words in casual conversation. I listened to angry music. I drank. A lot. ...on New Year's Eve, because I was so depressed thinking about going back to school so soon. When I was dizzy and talking to myself, I didn't think about how nice it would be to just disappear before more people can leave me. It was nice to not think.
I've gotten some cute texts over the last week that show me that starting school again may not be as bad as I'm expecting. But until I'm proven wrong I'll try my best to prepare myself for four months of fake smiles and constantly saying "Oh, I'm fine!" because that's what people want to hear.
When someone asks me that question, "How are you?" of course I'll never answer, "My heart is still broken into pieces because one of the few good people who said they wouldn't leave me broke their promise, and I'm only here because I have nowhere else to go, and while you're posting on Facebook about how blessed you are, because YOU don't have abandonment issues...I'm half tempted to drink myself stupid again just to numb myself...but how was YOUR break?"
I'll say, "Oh, Minnesota was cold. I did a lot of shopping, and now I don't have to borrow Ben's laptop anymore."
Both statements are true, but I know what people will listen to.
...which is part of the reason I wish I could stay here. (I rant and rave and complain and cry and people LISTEN. It's awesome.) I won't, of course. I'll be back in Cookeville to punch second semester in the face on January 9th.
But I think I've come to the realization that I'll only be in Tennessee to finish my degree. MAYBE, if someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me want to settle...I'll stick around for longer...