Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Life is full of surprises!

Christmas has made a pretty big turnaround today!
I wasn't really too excited about going to spend the day with my grandparents. They live way out in the country and the car ride is always pretty difficult...and since they don't speak English very well, I spend most of my time in silence since I don't know how to make myself understood.
But this time I swallowed the awkward and talked anyway. My grandma translated for my grandpa so they could both understand a bit...I showed them lots of pictures...Pictures are the same in every language!
I wonder if my aunt and Kelly (mom's old roomie) read my post about feeling kinda slighted by family as far as "stuff" goes haha...I never asked for anything that I got today...but I'm so grateful for all of it!
My cousin bought me like 5 new sweaters that are thin enough to wear in Tennessee... That's a week's worth of shopping I don't have to do now! I also got a new laptop case, a purse, and some jewelry from my aunt...(My grandma got a Coach bag from my uncle and I am so jealous...hahahaha) And...A LAPTOP!
But the absolute best thing was my uncle paying for my tickets to go to Nashville in April! Not only do I get to visit Tyler one time for FREE! ...but I can meet more girls too! And I don't have to work my butt off to get there...
I'm just shocked.
Not too depressed to get out of bed.
Utterly amazed...
that someone I hardly know would do something so nice for me!
I don't think I deserve it.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just another holiday post.

I really don't care if I never celebrate another Christmas. This year, I can't seem to enjoy anything. I've been going through the motions...eating sugar cookies, chocolate covered cherries, holiday cheese trays...and opening presents and putting on a smile for the people who spent money on me. But I feel nothing. I know I love everyone who's shared the holidays with me, but I'm not happy to go anywhere or sad to leave. I've just been numb since I got to my dad's house...
...which is about the same time I recovered from the shock of being home.
I got one thing I asked for (as far as presents go): Money to put into my Nashville travels. It'll probably go towards convention things, because there's no financial aid overage check to pay for my trip this year...
(Side rant: It really, really irks me when people who post "Christmas isn't all about STUFF" are rich, privileged kids who get iPhones and designer clothes from their parents. Of course Christmas isn't about stuff for you, you have a family that wants you and you already have all the stuff you need! It's just another day! But for this little reject who has gone for months without hardly getting anything new...what I get is pretty important...)
Back on topic...I can't think of anything else except going back to school and how much I'm dreading it.
It'll probably be better than I'm expecting, but right now all I see is four months of wandering around aimlessly, pulling back into my shell because I can't handle any more people leaving me. I'm done trying to keep friends. People disappear no matter what I do. If anyone wants anything to do with me, it's all up to them. I'm not putting forth any more effort do make people happy just to have them say "Oh, you won't see me again for a long time because ______."
It'd be easier to just avoid everyone who makes me feel anything good.
That's it. I should surround myself with people I can't stand. That way, when they move away or whatever, I won't care, and I still get the social contact that I crave.
I kinda like being here for a break because I have no other choice but to spend most of my time alone.
I pass through the day in a sedative-induced haze, keeping everyone I care about at arm's length on Facebook, where it doesn't matter if they're next door or across the country. On IM, everyone lives far away.
Hopefully at the end of the next 2 weeks, I'll be emotionally strong enough to get a text message from "someone" and not instantly tear up...and maybe I'll figure out how to make a fake smile more convincing. But I might not. That's what worries me.
I don't want the Cookevillians to see me like this.
...Break, please go by slow. Drag on until my next emergency void-filler finds me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A year is a long time.

I spent most of the morning watching Netflix and youtube movies.Then I spent my afternoon at the library.
When my aunt got off work at 5, she came to get me and then I went to her house. In exchange for a fresh meal and someone to talk to, I helped her wrap presents, which (of course!) I enjoyed.
She gave me a really nice present. She got a family picture of my mom's side of the family + me blown up and she's putting it in a frame. I don't have any family pictures hanging up on my wall. It'll be nice to have one.
We talked about seeing my grandparents sometime over the break. The thought honestly stresses me out a little. I remember how they broke down sobbing when my aunt told them I was moving to Tennessee. I don't want to see them try to talk me out of moving back, because there's no way that's happening. She assured me that if they see that I'm happy, they'll be happy.
I'm still pretty sad right now. But I hope I'll find the right words to tell my grandparents that Cookeville is the right place for me to be. Yes, it was an impulsive decision that was made unusually quickly, but I have no regrets. Not just my grandparents...I want my entire family to know that I'm still standing strong in the belief that I did the best thing for myself by leaving.
At last year's Christmas party, I was in no shape to tell them anything. It was a month after my mom's funeral...Mike and I were having problems...my mind was all over the place. That memory is one of the things that made me so hesitant to come back at all...my dad's town is a place of loss and sadness.
I really don't like being here. If I could have spent the entire break in Fargo, I would have.
But I think I'm dealing with it really well.
This year, I have an identity and a life filled with amazing, loving people a thousand miles away from here, where no one even knows about this depressing black hole of a town.
That really helps.

Monday, December 19, 2011

& today I actually have stuff to report...

I am exhausted. Being here wears me out. Why was I always so bored when I actually lived here?
I got up fairly early, on account of me going to bed shortly after 9 PM. Still, I got about 11 hours of sleep in where I didn't wake up once. I was slow getting ready, just because I could be! No school, remember? It was great.
2 hours later, Megan (the cousin I'm staying with till tomorrow) drove me to the mall. The only thing that could have made that better is if I actually would have had money to spend. Maybe not, though. I haven't been shopping at any of my favorite stores in so long that I would have had no idea what to buy, and I would have spent my hypothetical money on something useless.
Sometime between the mall and the awesome frozen yogurt place in front of Megan's house (she lives in the coolest neighborhood, I swear...), I met up with two different friends I used to go to school with.
Could I have stayed here if TTU hadn't accepted me? Probably, yes. But over the course of the day I had to keep reminding myself that I did leave for a reason. Even if it's small and generally uninteresting, Cookeville is home! ...At least until I finish my degree. Someday, I would like to move back here, and I probably will...unless I meet a guy at Tech who can convince me to settle in the Bible Belt...
Better than all the trivial facts about what stores I went into...today is the first day since I heard The Sad News that I've actually felt like doing anything! I thought I'd just feel like moping in bed all day, but I was so relieved to find out that wasn't the case. Maybe this is just the break I need...and dealing with the stress of spending the actual holiday week in a town even more dull than Cookeville will be worth the mood boost.
I fully realize school will be weird for the first month or so, till I make a couple new friends to fill the void (Though Tyler is an awesome text friend, so no way are we losing touch completely)...but here, I don't have to think about that. Nothing that ever happened in Cookeville can touch me here.
It'll be even better when I can actually shop.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

home time.

I'm still trying to be okay with what happened last week.
I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason" and that it'll all work out for the best.
Like if/when you-know-who comes back in August, our friendship will be so much stronger and more awesome because of all the texting we've been doing, and getting to know each other without a huge group of people around.
But that's not what I'll be blogging about. I don't want to focus on The Sad too much, because then I won't be able to enjoy myself here. Yes, here. I'm at home now. North Dakota to be exact, but this was my last home before moving to Cookeville.
I don't have any pictures to share, because there was really nothing worth seeing on the entire trip. I slept through Tennessee, Kentucky, and Missouri. Of course I was fully awake through all the corn states.
South Dakota was by far the most boring. I think it even beats out North Dakota in flatness and emptiness, too. I came home with only one postcard since none of the other gift shops had anything. It was a very, very dull trip. I'm so glad it's over.
Now I don't really know what to expect while I'm here. I know for the next couple of days I'm gonna do as little as possible. Long rides wear me out. But I have to go to the mall, no matter what. I have absolutely no money, but it's Christmas season! Free samples everywhere!
I'm not going to plan things too rigidly, because we all know what happens when I get my hopes up for something. I'll take it a day at a time. Like right now, I'm in my cousin's guest room (which looks like a hotel room, I swear. It's nice.) and she ordered me pizza. I'm going to stuff myself, because beef jerky and fruit snacks just don't cut it for the 3 meals I should have had...
It's harder to be sad when you're full, ya know?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Loss is crushing, but we'll get through it.

Tyler made up his mind to go back to Nashville for a semester.
I hate that he had to see me cry. Not for my own sake, but because it made him unhappy.
The shock hurts so bad, because we were doing so well...
But I'm a stubborn girl. I won't let this friendship end. 8 months are gonna be really hard, but we'll figure it out. I made him promise to visit. And we can text. Maybe he'll even get a Facebook page. And I'm gonna work my butt off to get a job so I can travel more.
I don't care if it makes the school workload harder.
I don't care if I have to deal with more panic attacks and greyhound rides.
I'm not losing another friend.
I. Will. Not.

To everyone who is actually coming back next semester:
Don't make me talk about it.
Be my distractions. Keep me busy and happy and entertained. Or try.
Don't tell me I'll be okay or that I'll make new friends. I know I will, even if I don't want to.
Nothing any of you could ever say will make it hurt less.
Just be there. That's all I need.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

awkwardness & pancakes.

I was sad last night. It was the last night that I'll see lots of people for almost a month.
Earlier in the day, Tyler said he'd come with me to the BCM for pancake night. That was really unexpected & cool of him. I know he feels kinda awkward around unfamiliar people.
Then someone else invited him to go to another place, not caring that plans were already made. I got even sadder. There is nothing I hate more than when people bail on me...thankfully, pancakes seemed to be the better option. ^_^
After I found out Fail #5 and The Girl were there, I almost didn't go. I didn't want to risk any awkward encounters. I wouldn't have gone at all if I had to walk in there alone. Once I got there, they were sitting at the opposite corner, so I think I avoided them pretty well. (TS - thank you for joining me on the other side of the room, even though you saw someone else you knew sitting by them.)
At first, it was just T&I bouncing from the sugar. (He was lucky to avoid the usual swarm of people that surround new visitors!) Then a friend of Alaina's brought her pet sugar glider. It was so adorable! (I think "D'aww, you have to see it!" were my exact words.)
And then, one of my most shy, awkward friends came out of his shell. It was great.
After the awkward-encounter-people left, I was able to make the group grow a little more. Tiffany and Larry are some of my favorite BCM people, but I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, because I don't want to drag them into the FailDrama. I'm glad Tyler got along with them so well. We drew pictures on the (disposable) tablecloth and painted things with glow in the dark puffy paint. Ya know, all those things that are so much more fun than studying.
Of course I got my tackle when I left, and to my surprise, he tackled back. It was the best d'aww moment I've had in a long time.
When I got home, I was a little sad again, but more than anything, I was happy that things were back to normal. Or better than normal!
I think we'll make it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

the beautiful side of bad luck. ♥

Let's start at the beginning.
When I was little, my Christmas tradition was always the same. I would go to church at night on Christmas Eve, then after the service was over, my parents would drive me to my grandparents' house to eat and open presents. When we got home on Christmas day, I had a stocking waiting for me.
It was quiet and always predictable.
When I came back from my freshman year of college, I broke away from tradition by accident. James, one of my best friends from high school, invited me to his family's Christmas party that was supposed to happen on the 23rd. (For those of you who don't know, I had basically lived on his family's couch for the 6 months before I moved to Kentucky. -- Parents were in the middle of a divorce, I had just moved out on my own, and I had no desire to spend much time at "home.")
I had missed them all terribly for the 5 months I was gone, so I went to the party. The news had shown a winter storm warning on the weather forecast, but I wasn't about to let the weather get in the way of my fun.
It snowed 8 inches overnight. Could my mom have come to get me? Yes, probably, but she was paranoid about driving in bad weather. So I stayed with James and his siblings (ranging in ages 16 to 6) for my first Christmas ever. I was sad about waking up on Christmas and not having any presents to open, but they had actually bought presents for me and I didn't know it!
That year was filled with its own drama, but I still have so many special memories. Spending Christmas there was supposed to be a one-time thing, but last year, a little over a month after my mother's unexpected death, I asked to stay there one more time because I needed to stay close to what was familiar. Family members gave me their invitations, but I needed stability -- to stay with people I knew.
And it was awesome. All of the food, people, parties, and presents of the year before, with none of the drama.
Even if I had to eat ramen all weekend and not unwrap a single package, I would still go there again. Because Christmas is about spending time with people who love you, even when they don't have to. I love James, Shawn, Alex, and Amber like my own siblings. (If I had any.) I'm sad that I have to buy their presents late this year (ran out of money), but they'll get the best I can give them.
This is why I'm going home, even though I'd rather not get on that bus. I want to be there to see these kids grow up.
I do not ever want pity because I can't spend the holidays with my "own family."
I'll be sitting around the tree with people who make me happy. And that's just as good.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Home is not where you live, but where people understand you.

(love that quote!)
Anyway...I don't know what it is that turns me into a pacing, stressing, emotional mess when I think about returning to The Wasteland. (The town of my birth does not deserve a real name.) I'm not really afraid of being there like I used to be...most of the bullies are either out of town, on drugs, or knocked up and therefore too busy to notice me anymore. I suppose, the feeling lingers...going anywhere in town and hearing a disembodied voice yell at you, "You're still not good enough!"
But what is good enough, exactly?
I think good enough is being able to leave.
My school counselor from 11th grade said I would probably never be able to live independently. He assumed my mental illnesses (mostly anxiety) would keep me from graduating high school, living on my own, and working.
The school social worker (who worked closely with the counselor) told my mom that the best option for me was to institutionalize me before I turned 18, so I would be "taken care of."
Farther back, the principal of the school I went to in junior high said that if I transferred somewhere else, I would only be running away from my problems and I would never learn how to make "real" friends. (I wonder if he told that to the girl who killed herself because of excessive bullying too...)
Add that to the daily pressure of teachers' kids and church leaders' kids harassing me for problems outside of my control (and since they were the "good kids," of course, no one ever did anything about it), and anyone would start to feel like they were worthless.
After six years of near-constant uprooting, I have finally distanced myself from that place. I have no bond to this town filled with closed-minded, condescending strangers.
Yes, I will still be there, but only as a stopping point between the busy city where I first "found myself" and the home of a few good people who treat me like family. In Fargo and in Staples are where my happiness lies.
There, I find people that have never told me, "You can't make it." People that accept me for being average...or better than average...or less...whether my anxiety is managed or uncontrollable...if I'm financially stable or on food stamps...if I'm wearing this season's clothes or hand me downs.
That is what "home" is. Sometimes you need to leave where you were born to find where you belong.
Only after "running away" did I find people who tell me repeatedly that I am not worthless.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

One week. o_0

Yep. Seven days from now, I'll be in Nashville waiting to board the bus back to MN. I'm not dreading it as much as I was a few weeks ago, but I will still be happy when January comes and I head back for spring semester.
Lately I've been asking myself...What am I avoiding?
The bus ride will be hard, but I have done harder things. Sitting on a bus for four hours at a time between transfers = discomfort for sure, but I have been locked inside mental hospitals for a week at a time without getting to see the sky (or take any sedatives), and I survived. I have ridden in cars with people who have terrible road rage and I didn't die then, though I felt like I might...
I'm not avoiding my family. I will admit the non-PC thing and say I don't feel a strong bond towards any of the people who share my blood (How can I? I hardly know them), but they are generally pleasant people who make for good company.  Of course, I worry slightly about the big family Christmas party...I worry about my cousins still looking down on me for not being pretty, smart, popular, or rich enough. (The younger generation doesn't seem to accept average.) Last year, I had Mike to talk to (when we weren't yelling at each other), but this year I have to go and admit,  
"Yeah...I'm still single. I can't attract a guy who has enough motivation to finish college...or high school, for that matter...No, I don't have a job because no one wants to hire someone with no car and no experience or references...Yes, I'm still overweight and dress in worn out clothes because I really don't have a choice anymore..."
My aunt is incredibly helpful to me. My grandparents are awesome, even if they're quiet. My dad and I are getting along better. So that can't be it either.

I suppose I'm dreading the cold and snow, but that seems like a stupid reason to be hesitant about a whole trip. I'll have a winter jacket when I get there (unlike here), and wherever I stay will have heat (also unlike here)...
My first Christmas break in college was unexpectedly painful. I had just broken up with my ex Jamie after being blown off for video games one too many times, and I was hoping to find some sympathetic friends to vent to. My three closest friends started relationships the same day mine ended. I went home feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. (Since then, I have been through worse, but I had been fairly sheltered up to that point.)
I know that won't happen this time, because there's no one for me to break up with, and one of my close friends already disappointed me in the same way over a month ago...could it happen again? Maybe, but not likely. And certainly not three friends in one day. /knock on wood. (Though I do believe I'll probably be the only single person in any of my social circles by the time winter formal and Valentine's Day roll around...)
I guess I just suck at goodbyes.
My friends are all so happy to leave. I wonder if anyone will think of me at all...enough to skype, text, call, or e-mail. Or if they'll just forget about me entirely. They are all going home. I am the one leaving home.
I wish...sometime before I get on that shuttle van, one of these amazing people that I'll miss SO MUCH would tell me..."No matter how fun your break is...or if it sucks...when you come back, we're gonna have an adventure. And it will be awesome."
It'd be great to have something to look forward to.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Happy 7 months, Callie & Moo!

I don't think I've ever made a cat post. I should have. I am the Cat Mom, after all.
My two furbabies turned 7 months old this week!
Nothing makes time fly by as much as watching kittens grow up.
I lost Fat Man and Lola when they were 7 months old. Hopefully Callie and Moo will stay with me much longer!
I saw them for the first time when they were not even 8 weeks old. They were probably too young to be separated from their mother, but the three other littermates had already been killed by wandering out into busy traffic. Their first catmommy wanted them to have a better chance at life...So she and her daughter drove down from somewhere near Bowling Green to give them to me.
[Story about Callie: Shortly before I got her, she had been attacked by a stray tomcat. Her eye was infected and she walked with a limp. The owner e-mailed me to say that I might not want her because she was "the sick one," but that just made me want her more. With some tips from other cat ladies, her eye and leg healed quickly, and now she's completely caught up in size to her sister. She might even be bigger!]
I knew their personalities the minute their first owners knocked on my hotel door. (I wasn't even in an apartment yet.) Callie was sleeping in the older woman's arms, and the girl about  my age was holding a squirming, squealing Moo. That day, I went to Petco and bought their kitten collars. (which they've already outgrown!) Callie's was white with a rhinestone heart and a bell, and Moo's was black with skulls on it. Fits them perfectly, right?
I will never try to deny it. I spoil my kitties. Some days they eat better than I do.
I've had people tease me all my life for being a cat person, but I'm not ashamed of it!
I am an only child, which also means I will never have any nieces or nephews unless I marry someone with siblings. I'm completely unfamiliar with babies, and I don't have any young cousins either.
Therefore, I have cats, because I have a longing for something to love and take care of.
I'm not going to be irresponsible and have a baby with some random guy just so another being can love me, when there are unwanted animals for adoption that don't require a two-parent home, stable income, and loads of spare time. That phase of my life will hopefully come someday, but for now, I am a proud cat lady, with two adorable "children!" Observe:

^^ Callie on her first day with me. [6/30/11]
^^ Moo on the day I moved into my apartment. [7/1/11]
Callie and Moo sleeping together (they still do this every night!) [8/24/11]
^^ Callie and Moo's 6 month picture! (11/6/11)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The bi-annual end of semester recap!

Today, I finished my last assignment. (For anyone who cares, it was a Geology paper.)
After finals, I will have completed my fourth semester of college.
Where does the time go?
My GPA has dropped, but I believe I've become a better person in four short months.
Inside, I'm just as hopelessly messed up, but I'm so much more awesome at faking it than I used to be! ...But it's not all fake. Some happiness is real...And I would be miserable alone. It's all because of the following people that I've been able to survive the chaos of culture shock, poverty, loneliness, self-pity, religious confusion, and many many guyfails.
(Not in order of importance...more like order of appearance.)
  • Kyle - I wish I would have come over more. I would have if I had known you would leave so soon. But anyway, thanks for giving me a place to stay when I needed someone to talk to who would never judge or think less of me. I wish you were here, but even more so, I wish you happiness wherever you are.
  • Brianna - Back in March when I applied at Tech (and you were still mostly an e-buddy), Mike said you wouldn't be my friend anymore when you had to see me everyday. I'm glad we proved him wrong! I can tell you anything, and you understand my quirks. That's what friends are all about, right? :)
  • Ben - My first real, in-person Tech-friend! I miss hanging out. We haven't had lunch or talked one on one in like a month and that's sad. But I'll always have the good memories of beating people up with inflatable crayons and going swimming! I can never pay you back for all the crap of mine that you put up with...but for what it's worth, I'm really grateful you did.
  • My community group: Kelly, Alaina, Melinda, Rachel, Adam, Maicie, and Michael - Thanks for not looking down on me for not being "Christian enough." And I love that you're all genuine, awesome people who came to my birthday party when almost everyone else bailed. 
  • Cana - Fangirl buddy! You're so easy to talk to, which I don't say about many girls! I wish you the best of luck in Cleveland and I really hope you'll come visit from time to time. :)
  • Devin - Oh, my favorite Geology slacker. I know you feel awkward around people you don't know, but I'm so happy you took a chance and got to know me. We have yet to hang out off-campus, and this needs to change. 
  • Kevin - Without your help, I would have spent way more mornings freezing and wet on the walk to class. It's so crazy that we were neighbors for so long and didn't know it! 
  • Sam - It's an awesome coincedence that Ben introduced you to me right when I was planning on checking out the UCSC. Shopping with you has been one of my favorite weekend memories. I hope we'll get to hang out even more next semester. There are not many people I'm willing to get up early for!
  • The SG: Josh, James, Shane, Isaac, Amy, Brad, William, Alex, and everyone else I'm forgetting...you let me hang out with you every day and never complain about how annoying I am. It doesn't sound like much, but I'd be lost without you.
  • Tyler - I'm sorry things are so awkward. If I could turn back time, I would. But I think we'll be okay. You're a great friend. I don't know what made you and Brad sit with Brianna the day after Kyle left, but I'm glad you did because I've had so much fun getting to know you better. You're the most awesome Brony I've ever met.
  • Casey - Intercultural Communications would have been unbearable without someone to pass notes to! You make every Tuesday and Thursday a little brighter. Someday soon, we'll have to go stuff ourselves with popcorn again. I'll miss you when my new classes start, but I think we'll keep in touch! 
  • Tiffany - I'm glad I added you on Facebook. We have so many things in common... (even taste in guys sometimes! lol) I hope we can hang out more when you come back from break!
  • Patrick - It sucks that you're only here until May, but until then, we'll have to do as much fun stuff as possible. You're one of my favorite neighbors! I love that we've gotten along so well since day 1.
  • Chandler - Very new text friend: I think it's funny that I run into you as often as I do. Please don't lose touch! It's not every day that I meet an awesome new Cookevillian who compliments me in text, complete with kitty faces. We need to find ourselves an adventure. Soon. :)
This is not a complete list. I'm sure I've forgotten a name or two. Even the bad people make me better, and someone might still pop in and change my life before my last final is filled out. I'm both nervous and excited to see what spring semester will bring. I'm hoping for less loss and many more happy days!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

what happens when someone learns my secrets.

It's out of the bag.
He found out.
If you've been reading for the last couple weeks, you know who and what I'm talking about.
And he has been so distant...we talked for a bit yesterday, but I feel like there is more tension now, not less. Being around him is just uncomfortable. I'm not purposely avoiding him, but I'm sitting in the library right now rather than the UC because I'm in need of some inner peace.
I had my emotional explosion yesterday. You know, the usual crying in the rain for half an hour or so. (It always rains...how strange.) I prepared myself for a worse reaction (like, "Eww, what the hell...you're the grossest girl I've ever met. Go away...") so only being avoided is tolerable, though I'm still disappointed.
Falling for friends is the most painful curse any girl can have...unless they're the beautiful type who no one would ever turn away. Lucky, lucky people.
I can't help but wonder if my standards are too high. Is it too much to ask to have a friendly bond with someone before it evolves into more, or am I destined to settle for internet losers for the rest of my life? Right now, my only hopes for any guy I'm involved with are: to live in the same town as me, live independently (or not have strict parents that forbid them from seeing me), and either be in school or working. Impossible? Perhaps.
But I really, really don't want to go back to settling.
I hope someday, someone can show me that I deserve better than an emotionally abusive, unmotivated waste of space who lives in his mom's basement, mooching off her food stamps.
& hopefully we'll be friends first.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Guyfails, fast food, and even more awkwardness.

How is it possible that I haven't blogged in 4 days? I haven't even thought about it!
I didn't realize it at all until I got another e-mail from Blog-God asking where I disappeared off to.
I guess I've been distracted. Usually, when I spend a lot of time hanging out with people, I'm absolutely bouncing, waiting to get back home so I can blog about it and put funny quotes in a Facebook status.
This time, there's really not much to tell. I've been spending a lot of time with some new people and some old ones, hanging out in the UC and watching movies.
But since I have to blog about something to keep my stats up, yesterday was  an interesting day.
Start at the beginning: It was Sunday. Campus was dead. I had to do laundry in Jobe Hall, and I was so bored.
I sat by myself for a good half hour, being a good student and working on my speech paper.
Then Josh showed up.
Then Tyler showed up (Yay!).
Then Josh left. (-awkward twitch- Just the 2 of us? What do we talk about?!)
But it wasn't so bad. We watched TV for a couple hours and talked about My Little Pony. (That's his "thing." Long story.)
And William dropped in later asking for a ride to Taco Bell.
The walk to the truck was by far the most awkward thing that happened all weekend. Not because of anything my two friends did. I saw the guy I've been avoiding and his girlfriend was with him. I felt my heart drop into my stomach and I'm sure I made some kind of noise that made anyone in my close area turn around and stare. I was ready to explain myself when W. said he already knew. I know he was there on the night when all the bad stuff happened, but I didn't think he knew the specific people I was hiding from. Apparently they live in the same dorm hall, and he's more observant than I thought.
I immediately started to defend myself..."I know I should have forgiven him by now, or at least her, but---"
They both shut me up after that.
It was the first time since the Epic Night of Fail that someone actually took my side. Tyler said it doesn't matter one bit if #5 & I weren't "Facebook Official." If we had "the talk," and he still went behind my back to find this other girl, I have every right to never want to see his face again. W. just said I deserved better.
And both of them said they would never do that to me. Two weeks ago, seeing "those people" walking down the sidewalk together would have completely ruined my weekend. But this time, I was just mildly annoyed and I wanted food.
So the 3 of us went out to eat and it was so good. Though William riding in the back of the truck made me kinda uneasy. Isn't that illegal here? I kept waiting for him to fly out and land in a tree or something. And I almost got us lost...
I had another nice moment at the end of the night, shortly before I went home.
James's new roommate (#&@%) was talking to me about his role-playing game and personality traits (something confusing, anyway)...and I asked him what mine would be if I played the game. He said something about charisma and how I meet new people really easily. I said, "Oh no way, I repel people."
Then T. looked at me and with the most intensity I've ever heard in his voice (shy and awkward, remember?) he said "No. You don't." Well then. It was nice to find out he doesn't think I'm repulsive.
I'm not used to people saying good things about me. At least not to my face.
But this is why I think I've been spending so much time outside the BCM lately.
I saw "the guy" at Common Ground and spent the entire night stressed out and pacing. I couldn't tell anyone why I was so uncomfortable, because no one there thinks he did anything wrong.
When I hang out anywhere else, I have so many good things to think about that I don't stew on my bitterness as much.
And slowly, I start to feel better.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

more awkward things I can't say in person.

(To the Awesome New Friend who isn't new anymore...)
Shawn, Tiffany, Ben, and Josh keep telling me to tell you my "awkward secret"...but I can't do it. And this is why...
I don't remember where you came from. You were just there. Even in the summer, James and Kyle talked about you a lot. They told me how cool you were. But when you moved back to town from Nashville, we hardly talked at all. Truth is, I was trying so hard to impress someone else.
And then...November happened. I think you were at lunch with Brianna 2 days after Kyle left (it really is a small world...), but I was in such a haze I don't remember anything clearly. We had to have talked a couple times, because I remember thinking how nice all of his friends were...and I had never noticed before.
That was Monday. Then, Thursday happened. ...That day when one of my closest "churchy" friends crushed my heart under his pretty gray Converse. I saw his new "status" and completely lost it. I also think you were there when I was begging Josh in tears to let me stay with him for the video game release. I knew I couldn't handle being alone that night. I wish we had met under better circumstances.
Thanks for talking to me that night, even though I'm sure Skyrim was much more interesting! I fell asleep and had a dream that we would get along really well. :)  I believe my dreams, because if the events in them are possible, they usually come true. (Seriously. I've dreamed of movie endings, story plots that get published later, layouts of towns I've never visited before...it's weird.)
And ever since then, we hang out a lot. I look forward to lunch even more than I used to. You get along with all my other friends on the days when you're brave & expand your social circle. I want things to stay this way! Our group gives me something to laugh about every day. I can't imagine losing that because I open my big mouth and say something I shouldn't. I know later today, we'll probably hang out again, and there won't be any awkwardness. I will give you your Christmas present, and hopefully you'll think it's awesome.
And since you don't have a Facebook and therefore can't get the link to my blog, you'll never know a thing. :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I think we proved them wrong.

My last post has been up for slightly over 24 hours, and it's already my third most-read entry in blog history.
I don't know who all of my readers are. Some might be here just to follow the chaos, but I know for sure that Ms. Anon was very wrong about one thing. I do have true friends. (And bad friends too, but who doesn't?) I never told Brianna or Shawn to stick up for me. I didn't even tell them to read my blog. They did all that on their own.
Also...in response to Blog-God's (and YSE's) prompting, I went to a girls' Bible study last night in an attempt to make more female friends. I talked to Kelly for awhile, but other than that there wasn't time to make conversation with other girls. Now I'm sure YSE goes to the BCM! She was probably even in that circle of girls last night! The topic of the Bible study was oddly similar to some of the advice that was in my letter.
High point: I liked hearing that the older BCM girls have dealt with some of the same problems I have. When I saw them at church events, I used to be jealous because I thought their "dark secrets" were so much more trivial than mine. I thought their biggest regrets would be getting in an argument with their parents or sneaking a wine cooler or something. I feel significantly less "screwed up" after hearing that even "good church girls" have been in toxic relationships and dealt with family drama.
Low point: One of the girls mentioned not having heart-to-heart conversations with guys...not telling them emotional events in your life because it builds an attachment. (Don't all friendships? Even female ones?) I'm sure I raised an eyebrow then. Maybe I'm just looking at it with the heart of a "foreigner." Two of my closest friends are guys. Imagining not being able to tell them half the things I do now? I feel like our friendships would be very stunted. It's a natural progression, to reveal more of yourself to a person as you get to know them better. (However, I do agree that it's good to watch physical boundaries. Some guys ARE only out for one thing. Internet guys outside of Justin and Shawn, I'm looking at YOU!)

Anyway...instead of letting tiny disagreements get to me, I managed to enjoy the girls' night. I will probably go to more of them. (Since there are no awkward guy encounters...) I don't have to agree with everything I learn in order to benefit from it. So this goes out to you, YSE. I do take your advice to heart. Whether I act on all of it or not is up to me, but I do give it all some thought. I'm awkward and tend to stick to the familiar, but I have been branching out! And because of that, I have found wonderful friends in the oddest of places. I partially have you to thank for that! :)

P.S. - I'm also taking YSE's advice and using it to help other people. "Guy X" is shy and awkward himself, just like me, but with my encouragment (and a bit of prodding!) he's expanding his circle of friends too. (Though I do try to save a bit of time for us to hang out alone. XD) & I've never seen him so happy! :)
In the words of Ben...(one of my *gasp*oh no!closeguyfriends!*), "Spread the awesomeness."

Monday, November 28, 2011

"The Secret Encourager"

I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...

Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.

Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.

Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.

Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.

Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

"Happy Holidays" are not offensive words.

Everyone knows as soon as Thanksgiving is over, Christmas season officially starts. The trees are put up, presents are bought, and holiday songs come on the radio. And then...the debate happens.
A message board I read daily (mainly about nonreligious people adjusting to life & culture shock in the Bible Belt) mentions conservative bloggers and their indignation at store clerks wishing them "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas." They call this attempt at being "PC" the "War on Christmas" and they rant about how no one knows the true meaning of the holiday anymore.
Really, angry fundie bloggers? 
I mentioned this debate to my mom once, and what she said made sense. "There are multiple holidays in the Christmas season. Why should Christmas Day be the only happy one?" The store clerks aren't out to ruin your holiday. Their employers tell them what to say so that people who don't follow one specific religion are included in the well-wishes. Are Christians the only people deserving of a joyful month between Thanksgiving and New Year's? I do believe Jesus himself would want everyone to be happy.
At the moment, I am a liberal Christian at best, but for quite awhile I didn't believe in anything at all. People still wished me "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Easter" and I wasn't offended. If I was in a Jewish area and someone said "Happy Hannukah" to me, I wouldn't be bothered either. What is offensive about someone wishing for your day to be happy? Even if the way they celebrate it is different from yours?
So someone in your favorite store does not specifically say "Merry Christmas" to you. In the big picture, your holiday will not be one bit different. You are still free to go to church on Christmas Eve night (or however your denomination does it...), celebrate the birth of Jesus, and sing hymns. No One Is Stopping You. At the same time, people are also free to celebrate the secularized version and go Black Friday shopping, sing songs about Frosty and sleigh rides, and leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Or do both. Or none of it.
Every person in this country is free to celebrate the next coming month however they wish. No matter what religion/belief we are, if we focus on love, peace, and kindness to others, does the name of it really matter?
I think this holiday season is beautiful.
& to all my friends, family, and acquaintances who are Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ, Lutheran, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, Unitarian, Agnostic, Atheist or have no idea whatsoever...
Whatever you celebrate...
I hope you have a happy one. :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

one day to go...

It's not fun living without my distractions.
Today I haven't said a single word to another person. (outside of text messages and skype.)
It is way, way too easy to sink into self-pity on long weekends.
"Why can't I be in a warm, pretty place with internet and food and cable TV?"
"Why can't I be surrounded by friends and family who care about me?"
"Why couldn't I be happy closer to home?"
Why me, why me, why me...
I think we have to go without things sometimes to realize how good they really are.
Tomorrow, everyone comes back.
I don't think it'll be quite as bad as fall break.
I mean, if Guy X gets all distant and ends up falling for the only single girl friend I have left...
Well, that could be worse.
But I think what will happen is, I'll see all my lucky friends come in one by one.
I will tackle them all.
And it will be awesome.

Friday, November 25, 2011

All the Christmas shopping I didn't get to do...(wish list)

What?! It's Black Friday and I didn't go out shopping? This is a shock to my system. I feel like there is something missing from my day. Ah well, Cookeville doesn't have a mall worth visiting anyway. And who would drive me, even if I did have money left over? There is NO ONE here. It's 65 and sunny, absolutely perfect weather, and there is no one around to go walking with me. What a waste. So instead of enjoying myself, I'll sit here and think about all the Christmas shopping I would be doing if I wasn't broke and lonely. XD
There are 8 shiny, wrapped presents stacked in the corner of my bedroom right now. (There was supposed to be 10, but one friend said she's moving at the end of the semester & I don't know if I'd find her in time, and the other person skipped town without a warning. Thankfully I hadn't bought his gift yet.) My friend-shopping is basically done. I'd like to pick something up for Casey, because he's nice enough to invite me to the movies today (and pay for it?!) But guys are SO hard to shop for!
I wonder if anyone is out shopping for me today. I doubt it, considering how few birthday cards I got. I've come to realize that family stops caring about birthdays after high school graduation. (Except if someone dies.) That sucks! College kids are way more needy than high-schoolers. XD But just in case I get lucky, this is what I've been hoping for this holiday season:

(Everyone I know asks for electronics. Psh. I have what I need -- except getting my stolen Mac back would be awesome! But my MP3 player, phone, and camera all work just fine.)
- Furniture (Goodwill/Big Lots gift card?). After spending most of my break cleaning, I have realized just how empty my apartment is. I have no storage, and I think that's where the mess comes from. I suck at organizing.
- Warm, fluffy blankets. Until I get a roommate, I can't afford heat. So having something to keep me from freezing at night would be nice.
- Winter clothes. When I moved down here, all I brought were T-shirts and a few hoodies. I'm constantly cold. >_< Anddd I'm gonna start shopping for Nashville stuff during after-Christmas sales. Last year I didn't shop sales. This year, I have to.
- Craft supplies. Anything I could use to make money. I have to pay for half of an Opryland hotel room in April. This will suck.
- Candles & other stuff that smells good. Cats smell icky. Enough said.
- Grocery store gift cards. For those months when I spend a little too much and need to get by for another week before money day...

Simple enough. And just like birthdays, I love cards. :)
(PO Box 13651 - Cookeville, TN 38505)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Another "Thankful" Post

It's easy to feel lonely when I'm not going home and everyone else is.
But I have to remind myself I'll only be lonely for 5 days. I lived a year without a social life, this should be a piece of cake!
...At Karen's house last Thanksgiving, all of us had to squish in her living room and say what and who we were thankful for. I think that was a good tradition. At the beginning of the month, I made my "what" post. So this is "who."

I'm thankful for...
- Karen & Kristi & James & all the other kids for opening their house to me for Christmas and New Year's. No one should have to spend that holiday alone. :) They have no obligation to do anything for me, but they do anyway, because they know it would make me happy.
- Marilou (my aunt) for helping me out so much with the bus trip. (as well as paying tuition, finding my stolen laptop, and many other things I can't do by myself) I hardly knew her before my mom passed, but after a couple bumps in the road, we're getting along great.
- Kelly (mom's old roommate) for letting me see Jack when I come home. He's the only cat left from my "old life." Once I get there, maybe we'll go out and eat trashy bar food.
- My grandparents, who, besides my dad, were the only family members to send me a birthday card. It's good to know someone was thinking of me. I've never been able to have a real, deep conversation with them (without a translator), but I know they love me.
- Brianna and Laurie, who offered their house (and food!) to me for Thanksgiving. I can't stay there overnight because I'm planning on going Black Friday (window)shopping, but I appreciate the invitation.
- Casey, one of the very, very few college students who lives close enough to Cookeville to come see me over the break. He is taking to the movies on Friday, and it will be awesome.
- Josh, who drove me to pick up my laundry yesterday so I can have clean clothes over the weekend.
- Kyle, who listened to me vent last night about how much I (still) can't stand his roommate.
- ANF/Guy X (Argh, anonymous nicknames are too much effort), who came out of his awkward-shell last night to hang out with me at English Hour, because "Fail Guy #5's" new GF was there, and I really didn't want to sit there alone and make small talk...and he enjoyed himself! Here's hoping we can go again?
- Kelly, who said she'd invite me to her house to watch movies over the weekend. I would enjoy some girl time. :)
- Divonne, who JUST invited me to his house for the Thanksgiving meal. We don't know each other very well, but for him to open his house to me is just amazing. (!!)

and of course there are more, but this was a Thanksgiving post, and the people on my mind are the people I talked to yesterday and today...before the (gulp) 5 day break starts...
I hope this weekend goes by fast, because Christmas is the holiday that comes next! And I love Christmas a lot more, because I get to leave town just like everyone else! I'll feel so normal!
...and of course, there are lots of presents to wrap/deliver.
Ben posted a pic on his facebook of a gift that looks somewhat similar to what I got him...
I think I might have bought good things this year.
We shall find out.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A movie + the fandom that sucked me in...

As everyone knows...BD1 just hit theaters last week. Was I there at the midnight release? Of course! I stayed awake through this one, unlike HP7. (Not that HP7 was bad, it was a great movie, but I was exhausted from the panic attack I had in the car on the way there...I fell asleep for the first half hour...)
I wasn't disappointed! BD1 had all the key scenes that I remember from the book, and I was happy to see some of the secondary characters have a bigger role. (I can't stand either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart...OR the characters they play. I am definitely "Team Everyone Else") The birth scene was terrifying, but I knew it would be. Waiting a year for part 2 is going to be a slow process...
I was so happy that the release party happened inside. I remember sitting on the sidewalk when Eclipse came out, and some random car drove by and threw a full cup of pop at us. Really, was there any excuse for that?
People can be so mean...I don't give two...poops...about Glee, for example, but if I see someone gushing on Facebook about a new season, I'm not going to tell them to "get a life" or worse yet, harass them. Obviously, they see something in Glee/Jersey Shore/Teen Mom/Some Random Video Game that I don't. Whatever makes them happy...
See, I'm a sane fan. Yes, I go to conventions as often as money allows, but it's not to rave about shirtless guys. I go to travel, dress up, dance, embarrass myself at karaoke, meet new girls from all over the country, and talk to celebrities. Like I'd get a chance to do that anywhere else? I only went to the last two because I wanted to meet Nikki Reed and Jodelle Ferland, who I already liked from -other-  movies. And they were both wonderfully nice people, by the way. :)
And yes, I own all the movie books (Catherine Hardwicke's "director's notebook" is actually what got me into the series...), but that's because I was a film studies major, and I love learning about how ANY movies are made. If I saw more behind-the-scenes books sold at Walmart/BAM/Amazon, I'd probably buy those too.
I'd like to think I'm a voice of reason in a fandom whose haters are equally intense as the fans (if not more so). This is my plea: 
You may think this is the most terrible series ever, but like it or not, it has gotten some people through hard times. Think of your own favorite escape. (Harry Potter? Pirates of the Carribean? SKYRIM? lol) There is someone who hates that too.
Live and let live.
No fandom is better or worse than another.
It is all a matter of opinion. :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

At least I can laugh at myself.

I've posted a lot of heavy things lately.
I'm sure you, my wonderful readers (!), must be thinking that nothing good ever happens.
I just don't write about the uneventful stuff...So this is rare.
I had an embarrassing moment at lunch today, but nothing tragic. Just laughably awkward.
Brianna, ANF (Who is no longer a new friend - but still Awesome - so I will refer to him anonymously as "X"), and I were eating lunch together and talking about My Little Pony. It was just the three of us, and it was great. I don't know if I've laughed so hard in a long time. Then Russ showed up.
He started talking about a mutual friend of ours (W.) who has met a girl. Apparently W. doesn't realize that the girl returns his feelings. I said, "Guys are completely oblivious when a girl likes them. They don't understand subtle signals."
"X" got very quiet. Sometime later he said, "I'm gonna be paranoid of every girl I hang out with now. What if one of them likes me and I'm too stupid to see it?" (You are, you are, you are!) I asked him how many girls he hangs out with regularly. He said "Like a half-dozen. But 3 aren't in the "right situation." (I do believe that means "available.")
I think I know these three girls. One who turned him down, Brianna, and Me.
I bet my face turned all shades of red. Hopefully no one saw.
Anyway, I can't say I haven't tried. I've met other guys on the internet & stuff, and while they're mostly sweet and/or attractive, I always find myself falling for real-life friends. Especially friends who have been in my life for months & never left...
At least, when I eventually get turned down by this one, we will probably still talk after.
Or maybe I'll learn to avoid him too. But we have most of the same friends, so it would be difficult.
Change of plans: He will never know.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Going home...and more impending doom?

On Friday night, I ordered my bus tickets for Christmas break. What a trip that will be.
I have to catch a shuttle van to Nashville here at noon, and since the greyhound bus doesn't leave until 6:45 PM, I'll be spending most of my day in the bus station. After that is a 24 hour ride to North Dakota, where I'm staying at one of my cousins' house overnight.
I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. It's just become such an integral part of my existence: I. Don't. Leave. Town. Going to Lebanon for Fall Focus in September took unhealthy amounts of sedatives. That was 40 miles away. I had a massive anxiety attack going to the edge of city limits today, though that was probably brought on by eating too much food that made me nauseous and uncomfortable.
I think about it a lot...and still, I'm not as terrified about going home as much as I would be going to Sparta. Less than 20 miles from here. I suppose it's all about being surrounded by the familiar. Then again, this bus route is different from the usual ones...It's going through St. Louis, Kansas City, and Sioux Falls rather than Chicago and Louisville. That will be unfamiliar too! *screams silently*
My most comforting thought is that bus rides are always easier. No one looks at you differently if you bring along huge bags filled with entertainment (books, magazines, coloring books, electronic stuffs) and knock yourself out with sleeping pills once every couple hours. (Oh, how I wish I could have insurance to get prescription Xanax...it worked wonders...) Most people there are doing the same thing...and there is always that little bathroom for me to lock myself into if I just can't stand looking out the window anymore.
"So? Just stay home." That thought has crossed my mind, but the anticipation of spending 3 weeks by myself seems more worthy of dread than 24 hours trapped on a moving vehicle. Spending 3 or 4 DAYS alone for Thanksgiving will be tragic enough.
I pray that when I get home, I'll be distracted with good things. If I end up rotting in my dad's attic eating ramen and watching hour after hour of MTV, that is no holiday. If it were my choice, I'd spend a couple days seeing my "real" family, spend a weekend with Kristi and all the kids, and waste the rest of the time in Moorhead where I would be close to shopping, a nice library, and all my old solitary hang-outs.
I'm not excited for the semester to be over because to me, this IS home. It's where I feel loved and wanted, and where I feel safest. I've dealt with a lot of loss here, but not irreparable loss. For every friend lost, another one falls into place.(BTW, that one cool guy I've mentioned before? We're finally hanging out alone now and again...) That's not the case with family. For example, someone I don't even know is living in my mom's house right now. That's the only "holiday place" I've ever known, except for Karen's, and Staples is so isolated that I don't think I could spend much of my break there...
Everyone has their "season of joy." Mine will be when spring semester starts and I can look forward to another 4 months where I don't have to leave city limits. (Oh, except for Nashville...but that will be nothing but happy.) The only thing worth dreading AFTER the long bus ride back to Tennessee? ...Valentine's Day.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A letter to myself.

Dear Lonely Heart,
Sometimes there will be people who will do very nice things for you.
They will feed you & not expect anything in return...
drive you home so you don't have to walk in the rain...
sit with you at lunch when everyone else bails...
walk you to class just for fun...
ride the bus with you, rather than laughing at your lack of a car...
talk to you about anything & everything...
But no matter what, you must stay distant.
Don't let yourself get attached.
Because when you get attached, people leave.
(Dorm people leave twice as often. Especially freshmen.)
You've lost enough friends in the recent past by accident,
Don't lose any more on purpose.
signed, Logical Head

Thursday, November 17, 2011

awkwardness & anonymous letters

I saw him again.
Not one of the cool guys who make me happy (of which there are 3). I see them almost every day.
The subject of my avoidance, and my reason for quitting the B.
I am so pathetic.
I was at the UC - going upstairs from the basement to the first floor.
Saw him sitting with one of his friends (who is also one of my friends). The friend waved at me...then Bam.
I turned right around and went back downstairs. I ended up taking the elevator so I could go out a different door.
That little voice in my head that whispers, "you weren't good enough" becomes more of a scream the closer I get to him.
However, when I'm around my new distractions, I'm pretty happy. And something good/weird has been happening lately, which is what I'll be blogging about today.
After the explosion of fail that happened last week, I've gotten 3 anonymous letters in my mailbox.
They call themselves "my secret encourager." I don't know if it's a girl or a guy, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl because the letters are written in gel pen.
This person even sent me a handmade birthday card! Even weirder yet, I've been getting e-mails from "God."
It's not all bible verses or generic happy words. Whoever is sending these e-mails knows me well. They know I've had trouble with guys and that my self-confidence really sucks.
I would LOVE to know who these people are, because no one's ever done something like this for me before.
I mean, nothing they say can ever get me to go back to the BCM. That will happen on my own time. I'm absolutely not ready for that yet.
But this person does encourage me to keep a close eye on my religious life.
I don't want to turn bitter again. They're reminding me that not all Christians are letdowns.
Yes, I need to be reminded of that sometimes.
Sam goes to the Church of Christ, but the rest of the new people I've been spending time with are mostly Atheists. I don't mind. I can be friends with anybody, but I would like an equal amount of church-going and nonreligious friends, so I know what I believe is through my own thoughts and self-reflection, not because my friends are peer-pressuring me to think a certain way.
It's also rather hard to keep going to church when no one invites me. I just feel too weird walking in and sitting down by myself.
Such is the life of a college student at a school that clears out on Fridays...
So what do I have going on this weekend, besides practicing my not-so-awesome avoidance skills?
After this class (yes, I'm typing in history), Sam and I are going to Starbucks. Tonight, the SG is meeting for some game (by the way, ANF and I are still getting along very well...) so I'll sit and watch and try to make myself hyper, then Cana and I are going to the Breaking Dawn premiere. (SO EXCITED!) Today will be a very long day...
But for the weekend, I've got nothing.
Oh, besides ordering bus tickets to go home, where life will bore me to tears but it will be otherwise normal. I'm needing some normalcy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Maturity? ...Or not.

Oh, I love birthdays. They're so much fun. I already had my party over a week ago, but the cards are still coming, and I know my phone will be buzzing all day tomorrow with Facebook notifications.
...But I'm still unhappy about getting older.
There is no way on earth that I feel (or act) 22.
Through Facebook, I see people that I graduated from high school with in lifestyles that are still years out of my reach.
Some are graduating college (or getting ready to). In reality, I should be a college senior right now. I am two years behind my graduating class. Most of the time, I'm okay with that. My friends are all younger than me, but I don't even notice unless we're talking about alcohol or a TV show that was on in the mid 90s. Most of the people I know here are so awesome. If I had to leave them in May to move again, what fun would that be? I'm a little embarrassed about being 24 when I'll graduate, but I try to think of what Brianna's dad said, "All that matters is I finish eventually."There is no way that I was ready to be in college when I was 18.
A huge number of girls I knew in junior high are now pregnant, married, or have already had children. I'm farther from that than I am from graduating for sure. Paying attention to kittens is hard enough! And marriage? I still get squealy and awkward when the guy I like talks to me at lunch (Though I do believe ANF is just as awkward as I am...) I have not yet mastered dating, my friends. No, just no. I don't know how those girls do it. I feel like if I made a mistake and found myself pregnant, I don't think I could keep the baby (I am pro-life, so I would give it up in an open adoption, not abort it). Not only would I have to drop out of school to take care of it (and school is my #1 priority above all else right now), it would grow up on welfare. Growing up as a solid middle-class kid was hard enough (Had all the "right" brand clothes but none of the fads)...I would never forgive myself if my child was the one made fun of in school because he/she was always in worn out clothes and living in a trailer...and it was all my fault?
So I'm not ready for the workforce OR a child, but that doesn't mean I'm hopelessly sheltered either. I've come a long way since I turned 18. Back then, I didn't know how to do laundry. Now I do, but finding a place to do it is the problem...I didn't know how to do dishes or cook anything that wasn't microwaveable. There are little things to be proud of.
I've learned how to get good grades in class, even though I can't afford books to study from.
I've never paid rent late.
I live independently with no parental support. No parental "moral" support either, though I do talk to my aunt and my mom's roommate once every week to two weeks.
This is my 4th apartment since I moved away from home. I know how to do rental applications and how to furnish a place on a goodwill budget.
If I HAD to drive a wasted friend home from a party, I could do it. I just hate driving so I have no desire to be a car owner. Someday I'll live in a big town again, where public transportation will seriously help me out.
I can handle pets, even though I'm not home to love them as much as I should be. Some days, Callie and Moo have eaten mayonnaise and alfredo sauce for dinner, but I always feed them something.
I've ridden a Greyhound bus halfway across the country. Three times. And moved across states. All by myself.
I know the big things will come in time. But for now I'm content celebrating my 22nd birthday with my (mostly younger, equally random) friends - stuffing ourselves with ice cream, watching My Little Pony, shopping in "teen" stores, and staying up late to go to the Breaking Dawn midnight release party.
I'll have enough time to be old. XD

Sunday, November 13, 2011

With this post, I say my goodbyes to the BCM.

I had thought about making this post yesterday, but I decided I'd "sleep on it" and see if anything changed once morning came. So for anyone who thinks I'm speaking (writing?) in the heat of the moment, I'm not. I'm typing logically, I promise.
I suppose people should know why I probably won't be at Common Ground on Tuesday to wrap the Operation Christmas Child presents. I don't want to get like 5 texts asking what's up. Oh, I've been thinking about this for awhile. There is a very specific reason I went to the UCSC with Sam last week. (And I would have gone this week too, but he went home for the weekend.) For awhile, I was considering spending time at both places. I was incredibly busy, but I could manage being in two places at once, so to speak.
And then, last night happened. I was just clicking through some old pictures when I (accidentally) realized that a fellow BCM-er blocked me on Facebook. I had unfriended him a few days ago - which is what I do when I'm no longer interested in receiving updates about a person's life. But I only block people when I have been stalked relentlessly, harassed, or otherwise seriously offended.
And if he thinks like me at all, I must have done something terribly wrong for him to want to deliberately erase me from his (e)-life. So I am doing the respectful thing and keeping my distance. I refuse to be antagonistic and invade his space...and the BCM is his space.
(Other random thing I've noticed = The only times I have had "bad moments"-- outside of financial reasons, since coming to Cookeville -- were because of things that had happened at the BCM. I have never left any other event or social group in a hopelessly depressed mood.)
I suppose I'll still go to events if someone invites me, but not by myself. I don't know if I'll still go to English hour or not. I'll try it once and see how I feel after. If I can still find a way to go to my community group, I will. They have been nothing but good to me.
So what will I do with the extra time? I don't have any exciting adventures planned up to now, but maybe I'll run into something. I do need to get my apartment cleaned out before Christmas break, but you all know how badly I procrastinate...Oh, I'll miss the cheap/free food...
For lunch on Thursdays, I have people to sit with. Brianna is always at Swoops during dead hour, along with my favorite member of the SG, who will now be nicknamed ANF (Awesome New Friend), and people that they both know. On Thursday nights, the SG spends their time in Jobe Hall, and there is always room for me. I don't have to worry about being lonely. ANF & I ate lunch together every single day last week. I think he likes to make sure that I'm not sad after seeing the void that K left.
I'm so excited for tonight, when the new people come back from wherever they went for the weekend. If I focus on putting more effort into this group, I think life will make a turn for the better, and I'll come home sad much less often.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Even now, not all guys suck.

I've noticed something.
When one friend (or two?) leaves my life, no matter what the reason may be, someone is always there to take their place.
Note: Once upon a time, there was a guy (who will remain unnamed) who said that he was interested in me. We had roughly two weeks of awesome days, and then fall break came. When school resumed, he had suddenly become quiet and distant. My theory was that he met a girl (or an old ex?) back home and felt confused. Turns out, he had really been falling for one of my friends that I had introduced him to. They are now happily dating, less than a week after he told me, "I don't have time for girls." Lies, lies, lies. I've heard that excuse before, but I thought we were out of high school? Guys, seriously. Be honest. Save a girl's sanity.
Way back, a few days after school started, Kyle and his roommate (grr) & their friends told me, "No matter who you meet at Tech, never get involved with a Baptist guy. It will not end well." I should have listened to them, but I didn't. Still, when I ran to them with the sad news, they didn't shove it back in my face, taunting, "I told you so!" They welcomed me back into their social circle with open arms.
I flat-out ignored their advice but they've still stuck around to pick up the pieces.
I'm thinking I have been a bad friend. I neglected them because I was trying SO hard to make "good churchy people" like messed-up little me.
This group of guys (& a few girls) who are hereby known as the Summer Group...they've been here since the beginning (2 weeks post-move in), when James (roomie to K) found me on the internet and brought me over to his house for the first time.
All summer, that house was my safe place. Also where I did laundry, used the internet, cooked my microwaveable food, watched TV, stayed when my electricity got cut off, and slept when my air conditioner was broken. When the dorms re-opened on that last Thursday in August, the group expanded and I met more people who have stayed in the background of my life...until now. After K left, his friends have made sure I'm hardly ever lonely.
I'm afraid to admit that since I no longer have FailGuy #5 to try to impress, I've begun to attach myself to a member of the SG (Who will also stay un-named. No one will figure it out.) He's been there since the day the dorms first opened, but we've never had a real conversation before Monday. Turns out he's actually really friendly & sweet & pays lots of attention to me. :)
As I said, someone always takes the place of a lost person.
And this time around, I have learned some valuable information.
1. None of my single girl friends will ever meet this person through me. I'm no longer willing to sabotage my chances, especially by accident! >_<
2. No matter what happens, I will not neglect my other friends in order to keep one person's attention. I need to make time for the people who have made time for me.
3. I will not reveal any secrets to him without his prompting. Setting myself up for failure? No more!

Maybe it's true that every heartbreak teaches a lesson. If so, I must have learned a lot by now.
If you would like to beat some sense into me, go ahead and try. :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Cookeville as a shopping town. (and "the list.")

This has never happened before.
I finished my whole local-friends Christmas list in one day.
I feel awesome, yet exhausted. Riding bike and walking for four hours takes a lot out of a person! (and a person's wallet...)
Now who is on this list, you ask? It's the same every year, yet different. The ten most awesome friends who had made me the happiest in the previous semester. I owe them. So I buy them presents. Last night, 2 unnamed "friends" broke a serious rule of the Girl Code, and since I no longer feel like I owe them sparkly wrapped gifts, I did buy a couple things for myself too. I had money left over.
I haven't bought anything new for myself (as a treat) since summer. The only things I've spent money on were to replace something that had broken or worn out. Nothing new just for fun!
Claires' 10 for $10 sale made me very happy this time around! I also went to:
  • CVS (got pictures printed - 88 of them! The photo lady was very nice and didn't complain about the extra work I gave her.)
  • Rue21 (So. Many. Awesome things. Sadly, all I got were a couple clearance T-shirts & socks. I had a budget to stick to!)
  • KMart (I refuse to buy Christmas presents at Walmart. I hate Walmart, and only go there if I have to. Which I did later tonight to buy food and to spend my gift card. Here I found Christmas cards and My Little Pony toys. Hah.)
  • BAM (Books are expensive! I had no idea! It was so hard to find one for under my $10 budget per person.) 
  • Hobby Lobby (Which had a wonderful selection of wrapping paper! It was so hard to decide! The roll I chose was metallic purple!)
Yes, I do miss West Acres. That is THE mall for shopping, in my opinion. But in a way it's good that none of my favorite stores are here. I would have spent all the money on myself. XD
It was such a nice day to go out. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and I think the temp. was in the high 60's. If only this town wasn't built on so many hills! The hills are what made me sad today. >_<
I hope all my friends like the things I bought them. I don't have as much money to spend this year as I did last year. Last year, the money came from sad events, but my friends got awesome things...
Brianna, Ben, Sam, Shawn, Kelly, Cana, Shane, Tyler, Devin, and Andrew - here's hoping I don't disappoint you. I tried really, really hard. (& Kyle would have gotten an awesome present if he would have stayed...) I wish I could afford to pay back everyone that's been so nice to me down here. :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Yankee Thanksgiving - Then & Now

Let's start here: I didn't grow up eating turkey.
Maybe I did when I was really little, but I don't remember it.
The first Thanksgiving I remember - I had just turned 7.
My parents, my aunt and uncle, my cousins, and I were all in a hotel in Fargo.
(For all my local readers, town in North Dakota - roughly the size of Chattanooga)
My memory might be off, but I do believe it was the Holiday Inn. I remember swimming in the hotel pool, and going to Toys R Us, KB Toys, and B Dalton (yes, even as a first grader, I loved books) really early in the morning. That's it.
As I got older, the memories fleshed themselves out a little. It was a different hotel every year. (One year, there was this really creepy old man in the hot tub at Holiday Inn Express, who was watching my cousin and I swim) ...but most of the time I remember happy things. When I have my own kids someday, I want them to have the same tradition too. I want to hand something down to them from their grandma that they won't get to meet. 
Thanksgiving weekend is where I tried Red Lobster and TGI Fridays for the first time. There was this buffet that closed down right by Burlington Coat Factory, but I don't even remember the name anymore. I always thought I was special. I was happy that I didn't have to sit at home in my terrible little town and eat turkey and watch football. (which doesn't taste that great anyway).
I remember turning 18, and as a present my parents and I stayed at the Ramada for a night. I went to the movies with a friend from high school who had ended up moving just down the street, and we ate at this amazing, fancy restaurant in the basement of the hotel. I thought it was the coolest thing ever that there were computers for public use there, so I could send pictures to my many online friends. (This was in the MySpace days, and I was obsessed.)
After my parents split up, my mom and I went by ourselves. We stayed at the Kelly Inn, got our snacks from the Hornbacher's on 13th (I thought it was an amazing grocery store. This is before I learned what "overpriced" meant), and ate dinner at Super Buffet, where I tasted sushi for the first time. (She thought it tasted like glue.)
All of these trips are what influenced my decision to move to Moorhead last year. I was quite let down once I found out that city life isn't all shopping, hotels, and restaurants. Sadness follows a person there, too. :(
But even greater than the hotels and Chinese food...Oh, the shopping!
Christmas shopping just has to be one of my favorite times of year. Everything about it makes me happy. Sometime between Halloween and my birthday, I make a list of people to buy presents for. Two lists, actually. One for family and one for friends.
Ever since I had my own money, it's been that way. (Really. I remember being 12 years old and up with my parents in line at Target at like, 6:30. And liking it.) I've had a couple people tell me it's weird that I spend my birthday money getting other people's presents. And it just might be weird, but I love wrapping paper, cards, boxes, all of it. So I don't mind!
Of course, the holiday is different now.
I'm not going to be spending it in a hotel near the mall. (Any mall.)
I probably won't even get to eat Chinese.
(Unless it's warm enough to walk to the Chinese place near me.)
I'm spending it by myself.
(Can't leave the cats alone for more than overnight.)
But I can hold on to some tradition. On Friday morning, I will wake up early (not as early as my parents did, but early for me), and go shopping. I will bike down to Jackson Plaza, and if there is any money left over after buying some new winter clothes, I will get my friends some awesome Christmas presents!
I'm seriously excited for this.
Happy holiday season!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Happy November Post - 30 things

This is the Thanksgiving month.
Though I am not thankful for Thanksgiving itself (nothing will ever beat sushi on Thursday night and Black Friday shopping at West Acres the day after...), my life still has some awesome things in it.
1 for every day of the month.
I left out some obvious stuff, because it's the little things that matter, right?
(not in any order & this is NOT a complete list...)

1.  Callie & Moo (aren't they the cutest?)
2.  Both of my church groups & everyone in them.
3.  Easy classes to boost my GPA.
4.  The 3rd of every month (money day).
5.  Ben's laptop. (I'd be lost without it!)
6.  My bike.
7.  Pictures that turn out.
8.  Text messages. (Night texts are my favorites. Good morning texts are nice too!)
9.  Sleeping in on Saturday mornings.
10. Trees that change color in Tennessee.
11.  Christmas season. (I love, love, love shopping for presents/cards/wrapping paper...and yes, I also love wrapping presents!)
12.  Relaxation drinks. (I am gonna stock up. Long Greyhound ride is coming.)
13.  Skype.
14.  Kyle's friends. (Who keep me so busy, I don't have time to be lonely!)
15.  Tech football games. (Free snacks and last time I met a really cool new friend there.)
16.  Weekly phone calls from home.
17.  Random e-mails that aren't spam.
18.  My classmates that sit by me & are actually friendly!
19.  Rides home on cold nights.
20. Thursdays AKA Cheap Food Day.
21.  Netflix (which is cheaper than cable!)
22.  Sleeping pills.
23.  The really awesome, fast Macs in the library.
24.  CVS shampoo (Smells amazing. I don't like to get it anywhere else.)
25.  Passing notes in Geology.
26.  Never having to eat lunch alone.
27.  Rhapsody. (Music saves my life.)
28.  Mail. (Bills don't count.)
29.  Shopping trips. (Even though I go on more than I probably should.)
30.  This blog. (Unlike people, it will never judge me for complaining!)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Just another Mom Post - 1 year later...

It really is just coincidence that I've been too depressed to function this week.November 8th, 2011 is a new day on it's own. Nothing bad has happened in it, so I don't fear or dread it.
It's the tiny, everyday things that get to me.
Like when I'm at home and not expecting a knock at the door. It's always the mailman or a neighbor returning a runaway kitten. But I jump a little every time, because just ONE knock turned into the worst news of my life.
And I get a little jealous every weekend when my friends get to go home. "But you live so far away!" you say. "You couldn't go home if even if you HAD a home!" What you don't know is, had I never lost the only family member who unconditionally supported me... (aside from 5 months when I was technically homeless, but that wasn't her idea and I've forgiven her for it.) ...I never would have came to Tennessee in the first place.
There were other places to stay. But I had no more room of my own, no more kitchen stocked with edible food and friendly cats, no more trips on Black Friday and Easter and the day before school started. No one to call when I got an A on a test (or a C or lower), and no one to cry with me when I felt lonely...And suddenly, there was nothing keeping me at home anymore, because the parts of my life I had loved were all gone.

I am not grateful for what happened. I hate it.
But I was forced to grow up when I didn't want to.
Now I do believe I am more independent.
I believe my social skills have improved because I needed to find a whole new support system on my own.
Good things have happened in the last year (though definitely sprinkled amongst a whole lot of bad.)
I wish she could have seen the kittens grow up. Tweek was her favorite.
She'd be cooing all over the pictures of Callie and Moo.
She would have loved my many tree pictures, and she would have been jealous to hear that I got hot walking around town in November.
I wish more than anything that she could meet my friends...everyone I've met in the last year, who came into my life and stayed there.
Brianna & Shawn & Ben & Margaret & Sam & Devin & everyone at the BCM and Kyle. She would have sympathized, because she knew how hard it is for me to say goodbye to -anyone- whether I've known them for years or months or just a little while.
I'm sad because she's not here, but I'm not mad at her. I never was.
She wouldn't have left me if she had any other choice.
My life is never going to be the same as those other people who still have two parents.
But I am determined to make it full and exciting and awesome...someday.
just in case she's watching.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

grieving for someone not yet dead AKA sad week story

Today, when I could feel my heart breaking, I texted the usual person I talk to about stuff, and he told me to talk to a girl, so I came here. I don't know any girl well enough to unload all of this onto. Actually, no person deserves that at all. Right now, this blog is my closest friend.

Dear Kyle,
I hate your roommate for kicking you out. Like, never want to go to his house again, hate him. It wouldn't be the same without you anyway. Did you know, you were the first friend I had in this town who never tried to use me for sex? The first guy I knew in Tennessee entirely who had good intentions...who could hug me without trying to feel me up? If I had a way to help you, know that I would have. Cookeville will have a chunk missing until you come back. I hope you come back. I think it's been a good year since I cried this hard.

For everyone else,
I had to say goodbye to someone else this weekend too... though he's still here. That wasn't as painful... It still hurt, because I still had the message saved in my phone where he said he liked me, (it's deleted now, as well as his cell # and FB page) but it was like, we just drifted apart. With that, I think I'll be okay, because I found a new church group to join...Ben introduced me to one of his friends, and we spent the entire day together. If the rest of the people at this group are as nice as he was, it'll be just as awesome as the BCM, if not more so. I hate walking into a place where everyone already knows each other, but it's the biggest sliver of hope I have. Maybe things will get better once I meet some new people who aren't involved in the drama.

And, as my status obviously states, K & I will have one heck of a time keeping in touch...since I'll have no computer to type on. I'm returning this one back to it's rightful owner. B. was nice enough letting me use it for this long. And since I'm a good friend and not a mooch, he is getting it back as soon as I can meet up with him.

So this is the icing on the cake of a terrible week. Tomorrow was supposed to be my birthday party. I have no cake, no decorations, no cards, and no guest list. I'll still be there, waiting for a person or two to show up. K. never even got an invitation.

I'm sorry I don't have many good things to report this week. I just feel so utterly defeated.
At least, unlike last year, no one died.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

birthday list - for family, friends, and other random humans.

I used to think presents were a huge deal, back before I knew where money came from.
When I was in middle school, I remember being mad at my parents because they gave me one less gift than the year before.
I'd only look forward to turning another year older because I knew I'd get money.
I was a spoiled child.
If gifts were the only thing that mattered, last year would have been the best ever.
I got hundreds of sympathy dollars.
But this year, I want something else.
I just want my friends to eat cake and pizza with me, and take funny pictures.
So basically, like lunch or any school event, but better.
But if you insist...
Yes, I am always in need of gift cards because my apartment still doesn't have furniture, and I am constantly freezing.
But this party isn't to get a kitchen table or a bookshelf or winter clothes.
I want your company. :)
On the other hand, I do love cards.
Bought from Hallmark or handmade out of notebook paper.
I save all of them, if possible.
Cards are a tangible reminder that say, "Hey, I was thinking about you today."
I like it when people think about me.
The party is on Sunday at 2 at Cream City.
Hope to see you there for free food and general awesomeness.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

a sequence of events.

If I hadn't been a miserable loser in high school,
I wouldn't have been so desperate to leave home.
I would have applied to a local school,
instead of a private religious college in a different time zone.
Too bad my "friends" there failed me.
Both the "oddballs" and some of the BCM regulars.
If only I would have been happy in Williamsburg...
I would not have returned home.
I would have missed the convention in Minneapolis.
I wouldn't have become twitter-friends with Candace.
She wouldn't have told me she was gonna sing in Nashville.
I wouldn't have bought spring break tickets to Nashville with my aid overage.
I wouldn't have gone on Facebook looking for a convention friend after C. cancelled.
Brianna and I wouldn't have started e-mailing.
We wouldn't have met a few months later at Opryland.
I never would have fallen in love with Nashville.
I wouldn't have ever heard about Tennessee Tech.
I would have stayed at home,
never again returning to the BCM.
I wouldn't have met Daniel & Larry,
and Ben who took me to English hour...
Where I met Margaret, who has so much energy.
And the five of us wouldn't have had an amazing time at the Halloween party last night.
Crazy how things work.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Thought Questions #4 / Freewriting / Another nice thing.

TQ#4 (posted on the Facebook group this morning): What do you need most right now?

I'm starting to realize I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to be making new friends/aquaintances every few months and moving once a year (or more). Every little thing that's here now...I want it to stay where it is. No more moving.
I'm beginning to enjoy the routine I've set in place for myself.
There's something comforting in knowing that 2 days a week, I will wake up sleep deprived, but still find the energy to stay on campus for 12 hours a day. There's just too much going on to find time to go home.
I like knowing that I have somewhere to stay (multiple places, actually), if my electricity gets turned off again. Relying on the kindness of friends isn't something to shoot for, but it can be good.
I fall asleep after getting the same text message every night. I don't see that as boring. It makes me happy. Though my dreams are usually not happy, no matter who says they should be. My brain shows me weird things when I'm sleeping.
Even food is predictable. On Tuesdays, I get a free meal. On Thursdays, I eat for a dollar and get both lunch and dinner. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I usually eat with the same people (Or watch them eat. No meal plan, remember?) No more high-school intimidation -- walking into a crowded room, knowing no one.
I know that on Sundays I'll probably want to sleep in, but I'll get up early-ish to go to church...because that's routine, and predictability makes me feel safe.
And thinking about Christmas, when nothing will be predictable, kinda worries me. I'm not sure how to feel about going home -- that lonely, silent place in the middle of a crowded city...or maybe I was the lonely, silent one. Everyone else was alive and full of purpose, just like the streets around them...but not me. If I don't find myself surprised & having fun, at least I know sedatives are my friend, and I can leave after 2 weeks are over.
It may not be as bad as I've been dreaming, though. Because I'm bringing someone with me.
My friend, who will be called "A" here...
(YES, FRIEND. I have been asked by at least 3 different people if I was dating him, and no, I'm not. We're neighbors. And friends. So yes, we will spend a lot of time together. We are both single, but I'm not dating -anyone.- I've been interested in the same person for quite some time now (though recently it's become painfully obvious how badly he wants to be rid of me), and if I could make that go away, I would, but hearts and brains are funny like that...)
...is coming home with me because of family drama that keeps him from spending time with his parents & siblings. There is no way I would let him stay in Cookeville by himself. That was me on fall break. That will probably be me on Thanksgiving. That will not be him on Christmas.
I didn't know how I would pay for his bus ticket (even though companion tickets are half price)...I assumed I would hope & pray for enough birthday money to cover his cost (and I thought he would help, but he has to pay to feed himself too & he's more broke than I am), and instead of buying myself winter clothes or Christmas presents...I would pay for him to have a holiday.
I casually mentioned on my BCM small group's facebook page that we were having troubles...in less than 12 hours, 5 people offered to help. I was once again shocked because I didn't think any of those people really cared about me...(I have some very nice BCM friends that care for sure, but I didn't know my group even noticed me, really...)
So, A gets a Yankee Christmas, and I may still have enough money to buy myself some warm clothes and start on my Christmas shopping. I may be stressing out bad in a couple months, but right now, I feel pretty lucky. I don't know how A feels, but he is pretty lucky too. :)