Saturday, October 29, 2011

Thought Questions #4 / Freewriting / Another nice thing.

TQ#4 (posted on the Facebook group this morning): What do you need most right now?

I'm starting to realize I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to be making new friends/aquaintances every few months and moving once a year (or more). Every little thing that's here now...I want it to stay where it is. No more moving.
I'm beginning to enjoy the routine I've set in place for myself.
There's something comforting in knowing that 2 days a week, I will wake up sleep deprived, but still find the energy to stay on campus for 12 hours a day. There's just too much going on to find time to go home.
I like knowing that I have somewhere to stay (multiple places, actually), if my electricity gets turned off again. Relying on the kindness of friends isn't something to shoot for, but it can be good.
I fall asleep after getting the same text message every night. I don't see that as boring. It makes me happy. Though my dreams are usually not happy, no matter who says they should be. My brain shows me weird things when I'm sleeping.
Even food is predictable. On Tuesdays, I get a free meal. On Thursdays, I eat for a dollar and get both lunch and dinner. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I usually eat with the same people (Or watch them eat. No meal plan, remember?) No more high-school intimidation -- walking into a crowded room, knowing no one.
I know that on Sundays I'll probably want to sleep in, but I'll get up early-ish to go to church...because that's routine, and predictability makes me feel safe.
And thinking about Christmas, when nothing will be predictable, kinda worries me. I'm not sure how to feel about going home -- that lonely, silent place in the middle of a crowded city...or maybe I was the lonely, silent one. Everyone else was alive and full of purpose, just like the streets around them...but not me. If I don't find myself surprised & having fun, at least I know sedatives are my friend, and I can leave after 2 weeks are over.
It may not be as bad as I've been dreaming, though. Because I'm bringing someone with me.
My friend, who will be called "A" here...
(YES, FRIEND. I have been asked by at least 3 different people if I was dating him, and no, I'm not. We're neighbors. And friends. So yes, we will spend a lot of time together. We are both single, but I'm not dating -anyone.- I've been interested in the same person for quite some time now (though recently it's become painfully obvious how badly he wants to be rid of me), and if I could make that go away, I would, but hearts and brains are funny like that...) coming home with me because of family drama that keeps him from spending time with his parents & siblings. There is no way I would let him stay in Cookeville by himself. That was me on fall break. That will probably be me on Thanksgiving. That will not be him on Christmas.
I didn't know how I would pay for his bus ticket (even though companion tickets are half price)...I assumed I would hope & pray for enough birthday money to cover his cost (and I thought he would help, but he has to pay to feed himself too & he's more broke than I am), and instead of buying myself winter clothes or Christmas presents...I would pay for him to have a holiday.
I casually mentioned on my BCM small group's facebook page that we were having less than 12 hours, 5 people offered to help. I was once again shocked because I didn't think any of those people really cared about me...(I have some very nice BCM friends that care for sure, but I didn't know my group even noticed me, really...)
So, A gets a Yankee Christmas, and I may still have enough money to buy myself some warm clothes and start on my Christmas shopping. I may be stressing out bad in a couple months, but right now, I feel pretty lucky. I don't know how A feels, but he is pretty lucky too. :)

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