Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Thought Questions #2

Yesterday's TQ: "Who have you been thinking about recently?"
That question isn't being answered. I'm not embarrassing myself and jumping into another volcano of drama. No one will ever, ever know.

So I'll just talk about church again.
(Or whatever Common Ground calls itself.)

Sometimes I have these crazy emotional moments where I just want to sing as loud as my voice will let me, and I just pray & feel at peace. But shortly after, my mood has a shift. That pure happiness can only last for a couple hours at most. Then I wake up really, really depressed.

Don't get me wrong, I would never "almost die" again. But I start to wish I had never been born in the first place. That's how bad it is. Honestly, right now I feel like the entire planet would be better off without me. But I won't do anything because I know the feeling will pass.

I don't think that's how church is supposed to make you feel.
I was so confused for a long time (like years), but I think I've figured out the psychology behind my insanity.
I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I don't like hearing intense, spiritual music and realizing I can't save myself.
I base my entire life around being strong, and when I'm forced to feel weak, I can't stand myself. And then I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I still don't.
I just pray. A lot. Is that enough?

And so begins the inner turmoil, wondering if BCM events 3 times a week is good for me. Deep down, I know it is. But the emotional roller coaster is wearing me down.
Why can't I just feel (or act) happy all the time like the rest of the "church people?"

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