I got my 4th anonymous letter today. The first three have been really sweet, sometimes a little too blunt for my tastes, but otherwise friendly and awesome. I'm sure the writer also had good intentions with this one, but I felt like it was full of blame. I'm having a hard time trying to understand it...The anonymous person obviously doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. That's how some people are though -- thinking they've got me all figured out, judging from what they see or hear through the grapevine...
Paragraph 1: "I'm worried about you...I see people trying to reach out...you've got to be willing to trust people..."
You really don't know me. One of my biggest flaws is that I trust too easily. That's how I get hurt so badly by friends that disappear. Once I feel like I've bonded with somebody, they have to do something really tragic to break my trust. The only people I'm guarded around are strangers. To everyone else, I see myself as an open book. And I am not trying to shut out anyone who is trying to "reach out" to me. I answer all text messages, e-mails, and Facebook IMs. Just because I'm not hanging out at the BCM like I used to doesn't mean I'm trying to close everyone there out of my life. I just don't want to spend my time in that building because there are too many sad memories.
Paragraph 2: "People invite you to things but you say no...I know you get paranoid by riding in cars...you're letting it be a crutch..."
This is the biggest giveaway that the writer has really never talked to me in person. (Outside of "hi, how are you...") If they were a close friend of mine, they'd know that I've suffered with this all my life. I had my first twinges of anxiety in Kindergarten (triggered by cars, heights, the dark, being in the country, and other enclosed spaces), first full-blown panic attack at age 10 (4th grade, taking a history test. I remember my exact chair and everything, it was that intense), was diagnosed with Panic Disorder (look it up) at 15, and heavily medicated from 17-20. It is a genetic anxiety disorder that is caused by both environmental factors and a brain imbalance. I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I can manage it with prescription Xanax and herbal relaxation drinks, but I don't have insurance since my dad cut me off, so I can't get my pills anymore. At the moment, I see myself as being similar to someone with a seizure disorder whose seizures are triggered by flashing lights. If they aren't able to access their medication to stop the seizures, their best hope is to avoid flashing lights unless they want to be really uncomfortable. You think I want to avoid car trips, just to be difficult? No! I know I'm missing out on a lot and I hate it. My hope is that soon, I can find a way to go back on Xanax so I can go on regular trips again, without messing up my body with over the counter sedatives.
Paragraph 3: "If it's so bad going home for Christmas...don't go."
Yes, it will be bad. The bus trip will be long and stressful, and I'll be very lonely/bored most of the time. But I owe it to my grandparents who are unable to travel, and to some awesome kids that see me as one of their own family (even though I'm not)...They all want to see me, and so they will. An ex, an old friend, and a friend of my mom's have all opened their houses to me for the holidays, and even if I know it will be hard on me, I'm going "home" for them. Not for myself. Plus, if I stayed here, that means two more weeks of food I'd have to buy, and laundry I'd have to drag to the laundromat all by myself. Everybody needs help sometimes.
Paragraph 4: "You've got to reach out to some girls...guys can't give you the advice you need...Make the effort..."
This deeply irks me. How does the writer know I don't talk to girls? Because I do. How could she not know that the person who convinced me to move to Cookeville in the first place is a girl? Is she not a good enough friend because she's not a Baptist girl? Because she watches R rated movies, swears, and doesn't go to church? When I posted on Facebook about running out of food, the only person to e-mail me and offer to help was a girl, and a Christian girl at that! She just doesn't live here. If I need girl advice, I get girl advice!
I take whatever friends I can get. I gravitate towards the people who make themselves available.
Should I have not appreciated the friend who came to watch TV with me before break started, when he could have been on the road earlier? He knew I'd be lonely over the long weekend, and he wanted to spend time with me so I could start the weekend on a good note...Should I have turned down the friend who let me sleep in his apartment when my electricity got turned off? Because he wasn't the right gender to "help" me?
Well, my power is gonna be turned off again this month, and since Kyle is gone, I bet no one else is gonna help me out. And I have to stay here a couple days after everyone else leaves for Christmas...a -guy- I know is staying here two extra days to hang with me the night before I leave, just so I'm sleep deprived and happy when I get on the bus...I doubt any one else would do that either.
Random anon writer, I wish you would talk to me in person and get to know me better. I would love new friends! But ultimately, I don't need them, in either gender. I know there are people who care, whether I'm privileged or broke...religious or not. And they know where to find me.