Thursday, November 17, 2011

awkwardness & anonymous letters

I saw him again.
Not one of the cool guys who make me happy (of which there are 3). I see them almost every day.
The subject of my avoidance, and my reason for quitting the B.
I am so pathetic.
I was at the UC - going upstairs from the basement to the first floor.
Saw him sitting with one of his friends (who is also one of my friends). The friend waved at me...then Bam.
I turned right around and went back downstairs. I ended up taking the elevator so I could go out a different door.
That little voice in my head that whispers, "you weren't good enough" becomes more of a scream the closer I get to him.
However, when I'm around my new distractions, I'm pretty happy. And something good/weird has been happening lately, which is what I'll be blogging about today.
After the explosion of fail that happened last week, I've gotten 3 anonymous letters in my mailbox.
They call themselves "my secret encourager." I don't know if it's a girl or a guy, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl because the letters are written in gel pen.
This person even sent me a handmade birthday card! Even weirder yet, I've been getting e-mails from "God."
It's not all bible verses or generic happy words. Whoever is sending these e-mails knows me well. They know I've had trouble with guys and that my self-confidence really sucks.
I would LOVE to know who these people are, because no one's ever done something like this for me before.
I mean, nothing they say can ever get me to go back to the BCM. That will happen on my own time. I'm absolutely not ready for that yet.
But this person does encourage me to keep a close eye on my religious life.
I don't want to turn bitter again. They're reminding me that not all Christians are letdowns.
Yes, I need to be reminded of that sometimes.
Sam goes to the Church of Christ, but the rest of the new people I've been spending time with are mostly Atheists. I don't mind. I can be friends with anybody, but I would like an equal amount of church-going and nonreligious friends, so I know what I believe is through my own thoughts and self-reflection, not because my friends are peer-pressuring me to think a certain way.
It's also rather hard to keep going to church when no one invites me. I just feel too weird walking in and sitting down by myself.
Such is the life of a college student at a school that clears out on Fridays...
So what do I have going on this weekend, besides practicing my not-so-awesome avoidance skills?
After this class (yes, I'm typing in history), Sam and I are going to Starbucks. Tonight, the SG is meeting for some game (by the way, ANF and I are still getting along very well...) so I'll sit and watch and try to make myself hyper, then Cana and I are going to the Breaking Dawn premiere. (SO EXCITED!) Today will be a very long day...
But for the weekend, I've got nothing.
Oh, besides ordering bus tickets to go home, where life will bore me to tears but it will be otherwise normal. I'm needing some normalcy.

No comments:

Post a Comment