It really is just coincidence that I've been too depressed to function this week.November 8th, 2011 is a new day on it's own. Nothing bad has happened in it, so I don't fear or dread it.
It's the tiny, everyday things that get to me.
Like when I'm at home and not expecting a knock at the door. It's always the mailman or a neighbor returning a runaway kitten. But I jump a little every time, because just ONE knock turned into the worst news of my life.
And I get a little jealous every weekend when my friends get to go home. "But you live so far away!" you say. "You couldn't go home if even if you HAD a home!" What you don't know is, had I never lost the only family member who unconditionally supported me... (aside from 5 months when I was technically homeless, but that wasn't her idea and I've forgiven her for it.) ...I never would have came to Tennessee in the first place.
There were other places to stay. But I had no more room of my own, no more kitchen stocked with edible food and friendly cats, no more trips on Black Friday and Easter and the day before school started. No one to call when I got an A on a test (or a C or lower), and no one to cry with me when I felt lonely...And suddenly, there was nothing keeping me at home anymore, because the parts of my life I had loved were all gone.
I am not grateful for what happened. I hate it.
But I was forced to grow up when I didn't want to.
Now I do believe I am more independent.
I believe my social skills have improved because I needed to find a whole new support system on my own.
Good things have happened in the last year (though definitely sprinkled amongst a whole lot of bad.)
I wish she could have seen the kittens grow up. Tweek was her favorite.
She'd be cooing all over the pictures of Callie and Moo.
She would have loved my many tree pictures, and she would have been jealous to hear that I got hot walking around town in November.
I wish more than anything that she could meet my friends...everyone I've met in the last year, who came into my life and stayed there.
Brianna & Shawn & Ben & Margaret & Sam & Devin & everyone at the BCM and Kyle. She would have sympathized, because she knew how hard it is for me to say goodbye to -anyone- whether I've known them for years or months or just a little while.
I'm sad because she's not here, but I'm not mad at her. I never was.
She wouldn't have left me if she had any other choice.
My life is never going to be the same as those other people who still have two parents.
But I am determined to make it full and exciting and awesome...someday.
just in case she's watching.