Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just another holiday post.

I really don't care if I never celebrate another Christmas. This year, I can't seem to enjoy anything. I've been going through the motions...eating sugar cookies, chocolate covered cherries, holiday cheese trays...and opening presents and putting on a smile for the people who spent money on me. But I feel nothing. I know I love everyone who's shared the holidays with me, but I'm not happy to go anywhere or sad to leave. I've just been numb since I got to my dad's house...
...which is about the same time I recovered from the shock of being home.
I got one thing I asked for (as far as presents go): Money to put into my Nashville travels. It'll probably go towards convention things, because there's no financial aid overage check to pay for my trip this year...
(Side rant: It really, really irks me when people who post "Christmas isn't all about STUFF" are rich, privileged kids who get iPhones and designer clothes from their parents. Of course Christmas isn't about stuff for you, you have a family that wants you and you already have all the stuff you need! It's just another day! But for this little reject who has gone for months without hardly getting anything new...what I get is pretty important...)
Back on topic...I can't think of anything else except going back to school and how much I'm dreading it.
It'll probably be better than I'm expecting, but right now all I see is four months of wandering around aimlessly, pulling back into my shell because I can't handle any more people leaving me. I'm done trying to keep friends. People disappear no matter what I do. If anyone wants anything to do with me, it's all up to them. I'm not putting forth any more effort do make people happy just to have them say "Oh, you won't see me again for a long time because ______."
It'd be easier to just avoid everyone who makes me feel anything good.
That's it. I should surround myself with people I can't stand. That way, when they move away or whatever, I won't care, and I still get the social contact that I crave.
I kinda like being here for a break because I have no other choice but to spend most of my time alone.
I pass through the day in a sedative-induced haze, keeping everyone I care about at arm's length on Facebook, where it doesn't matter if they're next door or across the country. On IM, everyone lives far away.
Hopefully at the end of the next 2 weeks, I'll be emotionally strong enough to get a text message from "someone" and not instantly tear up...and maybe I'll figure out how to make a fake smile more convincing. But I might not. That's what worries me.
I don't want the Cookevillians to see me like this.
...Break, please go by slow. Drag on until my next emergency void-filler finds me.

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