Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Returning to where I once was.

I'm in Fargo again. Which for those of you who don't know, is where the bus dropped me off after that miserably long ride. I had planned on staying with an ex on the other side of the river, but for tonight I'm at my cousin's house again, because Brett's road trip ended up going longer than expected. I'll be heading that way tomorrow, to sip italian sodas at my favorite coffee shop and spend the day reading completely NON-educational books at the library.
My break is two-thirds over. Maybe a bit more?
I didn't blog at my dad's because his internet, for some reason, would not let me post the links to Facebook, and since no one reads my blogs without the Facebook links, I felt no need to write. Also, after the first few days, there wasn't much to write about.
Recap: I celebrated Christmas once in Staples with Kristi, Scott, and the kids. It was great seeing them again, but I was too sad and unenergetic to follow the kids around, or stay for more than a day.
The Tuesday after Christmas I went to my grandparents' house, where I stuffed myself with food and opened some really awesome presents.
I celebrated for the third time on New Years Eve with my mom's roommate, who bought me more awesome things, and I got to see Jack...the little siamese kitten that we got on the fourth of July (2010), who is now bordering on obese. I missed him. :)
Between the holiday-celebrations, I watched a lot of TV and tried to keep my dad's demon dogs from destroying everything I own. (This is why I'm a cat person...) I'm not complaining about being bored. True, sometimes I didn't know what to do with myself in such a small town, and sometimes I was really lonely, but I needed a break from chaos.
I also needed a break from trying to impress everyone and be "good enough." For the last two weeks, I was basically free to be myself and no one said anything about it. At Tech, Tyler/Kyle's friends mostly accepted me, no matter what kind of mess I turned out to be, but what do I have left now?
Yep, while I was at my dad's, I did things that my more "innocent" southern friends wouldn't approve of. I dropped a few swear words in casual conversation. I listened to angry music. I drank. A lot. ...on New Year's Eve, because I was so depressed thinking about going back to school so soon. When I was dizzy and talking to myself, I didn't think about how nice it would be to just disappear before more people can leave me. It was nice to not think.
I've gotten some cute texts over the last week that show me that starting school again may not be as bad as I'm expecting. But until I'm proven wrong I'll try my best to prepare myself for four months of fake smiles and constantly saying "Oh, I'm fine!" because that's what people want to hear.
When someone asks me that question, "How are you?" of course I'll never answer, "My heart is still broken into pieces because one of the few good people who said they wouldn't leave me broke their promise, and I'm only here because I have nowhere else to go, and while you're posting on Facebook about how blessed you are, because YOU don't have abandonment issues...I'm half tempted to drink myself stupid again just to numb myself...but how was YOUR break?"
I'll say, "Oh, Minnesota was cold. I did a lot of shopping, and now I don't have to borrow Ben's laptop anymore."
Both statements are true, but I know what people will listen to.
...which is part of the reason I wish I could stay here. (I rant and rave and complain and cry and people LISTEN. It's awesome.) I won't, of course. I'll be back in Cookeville to punch second semester in the face on January 9th.
But I think I've come to the realization that I'll only be in Tennessee to finish my degree. MAYBE, if someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me want to settle...I'll stick around for longer...

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