weather = magic

There's something about cold that makes a person feel alone. When your face is red and your fingers are numb, it's so easy to feel like the world is against you. Or when it's raining...it's like the sky is crying, and you just feel pitiful.
Today felt like summer. Summer is the best season...
(Except for those days when I overheat and get sick. But that's Tennessee summer, not summer in general.)
Even though the wind was blowing, the entire world just seemed brighter. People actually spent time outside, rather than just speeding home after their last class ended. After Soul Food, Mike and I went walking with a new guy we met (I keep forgetting his name!). I hated being in lab. I kept seeing the sun out my window and I wanted so badly to skip. After that, Alex, Ben, Mike, and a few other people spent the afternoon playing volleyball outside the BCM. I only quit because I needed to call Kale and find out where he is. (By the way, last I heard, he was in Omaha.)
Even though today has been fun, it's passed by slowly enough for me to enjoy it. International Night is in a bit less than two hours, and that's one of the best events of the week. Cici's is on the dinner menu tonight. Free, of course! I hope my new friend comes.
In a way, I feel bad enjoying myself. But I might as well, because I hear another cold front is blowing in. I really hope that isn't symbolism.

friends - the good, the bad, and the missing.

Everyone has different kinds of friends in their life.

There are the ones you confess your secrets to, the ones who give you rides to church, the friends you envy, and the friends you feel bad for.The people who blow you off for fantasy games, and the ones who are there for you to hear you vent.

Some of them stay, and some of them go. 

And some friendships just don't last.

Most of the people I've met in Cookeville come into my life like an explosion. One day I had no idea of their existence, the next - we see each other everywhere. ...And they leave my life just as effortlessly. Nothing tragic (most of the time) - I find out they've deleted me on Facebook, or we just drift apart. Most of the time I don't dwell on it, because that's how all my relationships usually are - fast, intense, and short-lived. 

(Mike and I met at the beginning of the semester and we've stayed friends until now. This seems like a record for me. Almost two whole months with no conflict?)

And then there was my exception. An aquaintance who always floated along on the outer borders of my social circle...I didn't give him much thought because I was always pursuing the people who could give me a thrill - people who craved adventure, and "pretty" guys who could make or break my day by looking at me the right way. Stability? I didn't want stability...until I needed it.

Everyone already knows what happened.

This friendship could have fizzled out like the rest of them. I refused to give up this time.

We're getting to be much closer, despite the distance.

There's a certain kind of freedom that comes with talking through a phone rather than face to face. I have more time to type out what I want to say, so I don't stutter and fall all over myself. The words we say make sense. (Sometimes...)

You'd think any friendship that only had a month to build would crumble to pieces after such a blow. People know each other for years, and smaller things break them apart.

Two months have passed. That's one fourth of this temporary struggle.

I still get good night texts every night, and this person messages me first in the morning.

I am sad, but at the heart of the loneliness, I know I'm lucky.

Good friends need to exist more often.

An Observance...

My posts over the last two months revolve around the same topic: Sadness.
Sometimes I get lost and find myself in a mood that could almost be called normal, but it goes more often than it comes.
I think I am clinically depressed.
When I was in 8th grade, I was diagnosed with depression, but I don't believe I really had it. The medication didn't do anything except make me lose weight (not that I complained at the time...)
 I think my frustrations stemmed from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. (I got the panic disorder label a year later, and that is now much better managed than it ever used to be.) I looked at the common symptoms, and they all seem to fit me now.
Sadness that lasts for longer than 2 weeks.
I can't seem to sleep enough.
Food has lost its taste.
Previously enjoyable things leave me feeling emotionless.
This doesn't mean that I never smile or laugh. I do. But there are some deep-rooted issues that are always eating at me.
I know some of my BCM friends may argue that I don't spend enough time with God. I have been going to church more often lately (and benefitting from it), but that doesn't mean that everything will automatically be sunshine and rainbows. I believe prayer can change lives, but I also believe that God has given us the gift of anti-depressants and therapy.
Too bad they aren't free.
Whether I stay untreated and hit rock bottom someday, or "snap out of it," at least now I realize that there is probably something wrong with my brain. People with physical ailments will try to get better. I want to get better. Hence, why I'm not afraid of blogging about it.
 I don't know what is going to happen to me, and that is really scary sometimes. But I know I'm not the only person out there who hasn't been able to shake the bad feelings, and if any other uninsured people in the local area have suffered with similar trials, I'd really like to know what helped them. Maybe it could help me.

...

I haven't written in a week because I feel like there isn't much to say. Each day fades into the next. I am simply existing. Not to say that I spend my entire life in a fog of loneliness and self-pity...I'm almost always with people...doing something, just nothing that my readers would care to hear about. But I'm here anyway, babbling about nothing in general...

Valentine's Day was nice. Alex took me downtown to an Italian restaurant called Esca. The food was so good, but not worth waiting half an hour to get it. I don't have expensive tastes when it comes to food. I'm a fast food kind of girl. I would have been fine with Olive Garden or Fazoli's, but I think he decided I deserved better? I loved the Rainbow Dash pony he bought  me. Much better than chocolate that spoils or flowers that die...

Yesterday was winter formal. That went better than I had expected too. Of course I was klutzy and spilled something on my dress...hopefully I can clean it before Nashville...So many girls gave me compliments! I feel like they all looked ten times better than me, but I smiled and thanked them anyway.
When I was at my apartment getting ready, Tyler & I were texting and he said he wished he could have been at the dance with the rest of our group. I need a better word filter. So often, I text about fun things I've been up to, and he gets sad/frustrated because he's missing out. I'm a bad friend. Then again, he chose to leave, so if he's missing out on anything, it's not my fault...

I also got to talk to one of my other BCM friends that I've kinda drifted apart from. I know things got really strained after one of our mutual friends messed my life up, but we seem to be doing okay. I miss the days when we used to sit together at lunch and text about everything. I miss not feeling awkward.

As I said, there really isn't much to write about. Everything just feels so...blah. Perhaps when Kale gets here, I'll have a more interesting entry. Reactions to southern culture from a yankee who spent his entire life in the suburbs? If I were a follower, I'd read that!

Passing time.

I got up at 8 o'clock this morning and went to church.
I figured I haven't gone in a few weeks. What could it hurt, right? I'm glad I went.
It was odd being there while Sam was in Nashville, because I don't know any other UCSC people other than Ben's sister and my new biology partner (who wasn't there.) Sam's friend and his girlfriend came to get me at 8:45...I wish I could have slept in another hour or two! Anyway...
Two weeks ago, I signed up to do charity work at the Rescue Mission, which is a homeless shelter on the other end of town. I didn't hear anything back from whoever runs it, so I decided to do something else. After Sunday school, I talked to the youth pastor and asked if I could volunteer at the food pantry on Wednesday afternoons. He said YES, very happily!
Why this sudden burst of motivation, you ask?
Last semester, I spent most days out of the week chasing after a guy and trying to make people (mostly, the guy's friends) like me. That took up an insane amount of my time. A majority of my day is still spent texting, but I have so much more time to think about other things. I was spending way too many hours wallowing in self-pity. (Aww, I'm still guilty of that. Especially on weekends.)
I figured volunteer work is a good way to focus my attention on something other than myself. I might as well help someone else who's down on their luck. Maybe it'll make me a better person. I'm in a long period of waiting right now. Besides that, I want to start working out at the gym, now that I found  my tech ID. Maybe I'll meet other void-fillers. I bet Alex is getting overwhelmed...

BCM Girls Retreat...and stuff.

I knew there was a reason I chose to leave most of my money at home.
Here's a confession: Every time I hang out with a group of girls, especially church girls, I have this crazy urge to go blow every dollar I have. They seem so...put together. I feel like I don't have the right hair products, the right makeup, the right clothes...They even look good in their pajamas, I've found out...
So many logos and iphones and vera bradley bags...I can't help but be jealous.
I do want to be friends with girls. There are just some topics of conversation that don't interest guys. I'm not sure about how to go about doing it. I mean, I'd be too embarrassed to invite them over to my apartment. Guys don't really seem to care about poverty or bad decorating...I can't really drive over to anyone else's apartment either...
There are some girls who are easier to talk to. I suppose because they don't flash their money, so there's nothing to be jealous of. I met a really nice girl at Chi Alpha named Andrea. I hope I get to talk to her more. And of course I tell Brianna almost everything. We just "clicked," and I can't explain how rare that is.
Too bad pledging OPA (paying dues?) was such a stressful experience.
Meeting girls is so hard!!

Distracted by free food.

International Night and English Hour have become the highlights of my week. The free food got me to start going, but the people keep me there. English Hour is so different from last semester...it doesn't even seem like the same place. Ben is basically the only familiar person there. Of course, "last year," I was so busy following around "someone" that I didn't try to talk to any of the actual foreign students. I'm surprised how good most of them are at speaking English. They have a lot of interesting things to say, and they pay attention to what I have to say too. It's easy to not get attached to international students. You know they'll be leaving soon, so there is no shock.
International Night is a bit more awkward. That guy that messed me up in November? (Not Kyle) He's started showing up a lot more, and of course bringing his girlfriend. Being around them isn't as painful as it used to be, but it's still uncomfortable. I fix that by sitting on the other end of the room. Alex laughs and calls me paranoid, but he doesn't realize how long I cried over that guy. I listened to sad music for weeks. Until something sadder happened...
Awkward encounters aside, today is the first day since the end of Finals where I've spent more time happy (or content?) than sad. I still start off every morning listening to distance-songs, but it's more of a routine rather than an emotional outlet. I'm finally getting to the point where I seek people out rather than trying to avoid them. I think the part in my brain that lets me bond to people is still broken, but at least I can laugh.
Laughing is good. Good enough to blog about.

Dreams

This is really super weird, and I feel awkward even talking about it, but maybe someone can help me figure out if I've gone completely crazy.
My mom has been gone for a year and three months, and sometimes I see her in my dreams.
Most of my realistic dreams are reflecting on past events, like seeing people that I miss and doing the same, routine things we've always done. And in those dreams, I'm confused, because I know the people aren't supposed to be there.
In the mom-dreams, I'm not freaked out at all.
I'm always at a happy place, like a well-lit road or a lake shore.
I see her, and it's completely normal. I'm just like, "Oh hey, what's up? I haven't seen you in awhile."
And I talk to her. I tell her about what's going on in my life, like I would to any other long-distance family member. Sometimes she's accompanied by her cat that got hit on the road 2 years ago.
Sometimes she gives me advice. It's good advice that makes sense.
When I wake up, I'm super confused, but when I'm dreaming, I'm not confused at all.
I think I might be losing my mind.

Fire + sugar = Friday night adventure!

Yesterday, I was anticipating dying of boredom. I hate Fridays. Everyone goes home and leaves me stuck in Cookeville by myself. Alex went to his dad's in Knoxville. I was planning on going with him, but I was hesitant to leave town with someone I barely knew behind the wheel.
So, I went shopping instead. And no, I didn't waste (much of) my money. The most expensive purchase was clay supplies at Hobby Lobby. I really hope I can sell some charms/jewelry, because if I can't, I know it'll be another month of begging... >_< Brianna is making up to $30 a sale on her charms. I hope mine turn out as good as hers.
The clay profits will ideally pay for: shoes for winter formal, food for when Kale comes to visit, and eventually a new phone (next month?) and camera (probably never...) Today I was walking in the rain after someone stole my bike, and the water ruined my camera screen. So much for selling online, if I can't take pictures of what I make...
Anyway, away from the money topic...yesterday was fun. Normally, I spend my Fridays in the UC, pitying myself because my two weekend-friends aren't here. Instead, I went to a bonfire. I had no reason to say no...I had a ride, and Mike was going with me so I wouldn't have to be alone.
No one can be sad when they're stuffing themselves with marshmallows. I had at least 4, and managed to not light any of them on fire. It was fun watching the international students roast marshmallows for the first time - they must not have food like that in India/South America/Russia/etc...
I wish Alex could have showed up. At least Mike, Ben, and Tiffany were there. If it wasn't for them, I would have been standing around awkwardly for the whole time, stuffing my face and freezing. Mike's jacket was so warm and awesome. XD
Tyler texted me a lot while I was there. He was sad that he couldn't come to hang out. He feels like he's missing out on everything and everyone here, which is sad for him, but happy for me, because I know I am missed and he's excited to come back.
If anyone else invites me out on weekends, I'm not going to turn them down. Getting out gave me the exact kind of distraction I was looking for.

"Winter" Reflection

It's February! While Kale is at home telling me about frost on the trees and snow drifts that haven't melted yet, I'm walking to school, complaining about the heat. No, it's not 80s or anything like that, obviously, but when I instinctively put on a sweater and have to drag it around all day...it's too hot for winter.
Oh, I'm not wishing it would be colder. I like warm weather, but it makes me feel so disoriented! I feel like it should be finals week, but I haven't even had a first test yet this semester! August feels so much closer than it really is...
I know summer will be here before I know it. The thought both thrills and terrifies me. Of course, my constant search of a void-filler will be over, but that also means I'll start my second-to-last year of school. I'll be half done.
I should be graduating this year. I'm so happy I'm not.
Sure, it's a little bit awkward knowing I'm two years older than the rest of my class, but it's better than the alternative -- hating my entire college experience because I wasn't mentally or socially ready to be living by myself without any help.
Because of swallowing my pride and finishing late...I have a chance. I just hope I don't screw it up. My first two and a half years have been littered with disappointments. I know no one's life is perfect, but I wouldn't mind having a little less loss in the next two years to come...
I think, in order to fully enjoy my last two years, I have to treat myself better.
If I cleaned my apartment, I could have more visitors, and even a roommate, leading to me not having to search for work in the summer.
If I exercised more and ate healthier, I'd look better, and more people would want to talk to me.
If I focus on my schoolwork more, I have the potential to get more scholarships, which could lead to stressing out my family less, and they would like me better too.
I try so hard to not be selfish -- to be available to everyone all at the same time...but while I wade through the dull routine that is winter semester, I think I need to set out more time for ME.