I brought up my most current abandonment issue with the bible study group on Tuesday.
I bet their deep-down reaction was, "AGAIN? Can't this girl hold on to anyone?"
It was comforting knowing that another girl in my group struggled with feeling alone after a breakup. I didn't get dumped of course, because the guy in question and I were never dating, but maybe some of the feelings are the same. Feeling like there's a giant hole in your life that nothing can fill up, and wanting to wander aimlessly around campus to look for the person, but knowing you can never find them...
Mostly, I got the advice I expected to get. So many people seem to think that I can heal completely if I just pray more. The way I see it, prayer is a distraction, not a permanent cure. Probably a healthier distraction than booze and impulse-shopping, but it can't give me what I'm missing. No matter how much I'd pray, go to church, or read the bible, would that really bring someone into my life that can sit with me at lunch, drive me around town, and listen to me talk about anything on my mind? Probably not...
Alex is the best cure I've found so far. He's like a star in a dark sky for me. When we're hanging out, life makes a little bit more sense. We just click so well...
But I'm still reaching into emptiness...because when he's not around, the void is still there, and it needs to be filled up somehow. Maybe that's why I've started hoarding cats. XD
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Oh, Anna. Prayer isn't what can fill the void, nor reading the bible, or going to church. Distractions they are not, but a direct line to who CAN fill the void. Only God alone can fill this void that is hurting you...people certainly cannot. That's why even Alex can only hold it off while he's with you. No one but you can come to realize this, and only you can allow God to fill the void--the bible, prayer...these are things that connect you directly to Him. A lot of people love you and care for you, but in the end they are just people, flawed. I wish I could somehow make you see this, but only you can come to the realization on your own. I'll be praying for you. God knows you need Him, and He knows that He loves you with the only kind of love that could prompt someone to send their son to his brutal death in your place....do you? Hopefully you'll be able to see this love in time. This isn't an admonishment or me trying to be a jerk, and I hope it doesn't come across that way! I'm also not the anonymous who has posted in previous blogs...I'm just speaking from experience...
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
"A"
If all else fails, I find drinking helps......
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