Post-rush/Burnout.

I shouldn't avoid e-mails or delete text messages.
But that's what I've been doing because I despise confrontation.
Please don't think of me negatively, girls I hardly know...
I was so grateful for the bid from OPA.
But I just can't go through with pledging. I thought I could handle it, but there is No. Way.
I read online about the dues waiver, and thought it would be no problem. Then I saw the form. There were tons of questions asking where every bit of my money comes and goes...like that itself is supposed to define whether I could make the payment or not.
Yes, I have lots of free time. That does not mean I am not depressingly poor.
I would love to have a part time job, but I know that is out of my reach for at least a couple more years.
Do I need to throw away half of my monthly food budget (what seems like it) on cat food & litter?
For my sanity's sake, yes.
I can't afford to set up a payment plan, or donate to charity. I receive charity myself. I really have nothing left to give. I don't know where my money goes every month. It just flies away, and there is never, ever enough.
It's hard enough funding my BCM habit, when it comes to trips, t-shirts, food, etc.
Speaking of, I have to give up on the spring break trip. There just isn't a spare $50 anywhere, and I don't think I can fundraise for the deposit.
It's sad, but hopefully I'll make local friends (for free) by then, so I won't have to stay here for a week all by myself.
The free friends all come from the internet.
(unless they need gas money, and then they're expensive too.)
So until then, that's where I'll be.

Thought Questions #3

"In the last week, name one moment that stuck out to you."

Oh dear Lord, fall break is boring. I could write a whole post about how much I wish it was Tuesday again, but who would read it?
(Even if I lived close enough to home to leave for fall break, I would still stay. I don't have my own room anywhere but my apartment, and I doubt any of my family members would be excited to spend 5 days with me. Which is why I'm couch-hopping and staying with friends over Christmas...)


Anyway. Fun times? Thursday was awesome. It ended awesomely, at least. During the morning (Soul Food), I was incredibly depressed, dreading the time when all my friends would leave Cookeville and go back home to their happy families and home cooked meals. I was a little jealous and feeling sorry for myself...all day.
That night, I didn't go to International Night like I usually do. (For non-BCMers, this is another free meal and time spent with a couple friends who make me happy.) I went to a poetry reading with Daniel because I wanted to get to know him better, and he's so busy -- we almost never get to hang out alone. (Though I hope that changes soon? We did get a chance to spend some time talking one on one Friday night. It was also pretty freaking awesome.) I loved their free food at the Backdoor Playhouse almost more than the BCM food. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a cheap/free meal. :)

D. had to leave the poetry reading early to go write a paper, and I wasn't ready to go home yet.
No one I knew was left at the BCM, so I decided to go to this fall festival thing at the UC. I had remembered Kevin talking about it, but I didn't know if anyone I knew would actually show up there. I decided it was worth a shot.

And it was SO MUCH FUN. Not only did I get more free food (italian ice, funnel cakes, cotton candy and chips!), but it was like a dance and a party at the same time...with none of the misery & drama of high school dances. I actually ended up knowing a lot of people there (Ben & James & Kevin to start with...I met a few girls later who are new friends now!) All the new people I met were great. It just simply amazes me...I've met more people than I can keep track of in Cookeville, and I have yet to run into one real bully. A couple people who don't watch their words sometimes, but I haven't met anyone who's deliberately mean. Southern hospitality is awesome. XD

I was out late getting hopped up on sugar, dancing, taking funny pictures, and lots of other randomness. The next day, I was so sleep deprived, but it was worth it! If everyone I know has to leave town for the long weekend, at least I had fun before they left. Now, if only Tuesday would come faster. There are many, many people I want to tackle.

an invitation.

My birthday is a little over a month away.
I need to start planning a party.
This task isn't as fun as it sounds. I'm not a very good party planner.
The summer after my freshman year, I wanted to throw a summer party, and I invited 24 people. 2 showed up. I haven't been into parties since.
But this year I want one. Really bad. XD
21 is supposed to be a big year.
I didn't exactly have a reason to celebrate at the time.
My mom's funeral was 2 days before my 21st birthday. I had a cake, but it's no kind of party when I was getting sympathy cards and birthday cards at the same time.
So what I'm thinking is, I want this party to be like how my 21st was supposed to be.
...Except a year late.
I want to invite lots of friends over to my apartment (which WILL be clean by then!) and we will stuff ourselves with pizza and cake.
Ideally, I would like to celebrate on the 12th of November (4 days before I actually turn 22), which is a Saturday, but if lots of people end up cancelling, I'm going to push it back to the 19th.
I really want it to be a big, awesome day!
I would love it if you could come. :)

(For family members and friends who send mail, you know I love pretty cards, right? Send them to my school PO box.)

Tennessee Tech University P.O. Box 13651
Cookeville, TN 38505

Summer-like weekend.

...And I'm not even talking about the weather.
At least 4 out of 5 people I know went home for the weekend.
Cookeville was looking to be a sad, dead place, much like it was before school started...back then, I didn't mind the quiet because I hardly knew anyone, so it just seemed natural that I was by myself a lot. But now? I'm busy ALL THE TIME, and to try to picture three solid days with nothing to do? It was a painful thought.
So, I went to Brianna's house in Sparta.
The ride (or multiple rides) just about killed me. I forgot how terrifying it was to look out at highway with nothing on either side of me, as far as I could see. Yuck. Even my trusty sedatives didn't help.

But the rest of the weekend was fun. We had lots of girl time, which I desperately needed. I had basically forgotten what it was like to hang out with girls. I so rarely see any outside of church events. Girls just don't seem interested in hanging out with me, unless it's forced.
It's just so uncomplicated...no mixed messages, no awkwardness, no trying to impress them, no psycho exes, no one-sided crushes that eventually result in tragedy and weeks/months of misery that even a kitten can't cure...
We watched a lot of movies, made hemp bracelets (I already lost mine), took pictures of kitties, and ate food. Yay, food!
(Her parents bought me raspberries at Sams Club on Friday. It's been months since I've been able to afford raspberries.)

The craziest part of the weekend was definitely the street fair. And I thought Cookeville's fair was full of rednecks. I had never seen so many overalls and creepy old men in one place. I wonder what makes rednecks wear overalls, anyway? Especially over a stained wife-beater. XD
Laurie (Brianna's mom) said I was looking at everything like I was culture-shocked. I suppose, it's quite a bit to take in. I thought a funnel cake could cure my weird feeling, but even the funnel cake seemed...off. It was hard and tiny, with more sugar than cake. It was quite disappointing.

When I got home, I had another "want to call mom" moment. I realized Brianna was the first friend I made that she never got to meet, or even hear about. My mom would have been so happy to hear that I met a girl that actually wants me to hang out at her house. XD

I'm supposed to be going back next week for fall break. I need to figure out an alternate sedative (Valerian worked well, but we'll see if it stays that way). Not all fall break will be spent in Sparta, however. Daniel (new friend) and I are supposed to find ourselves an adventure. :)

by the way...platypus. :) (B&J, that's for you.)

More Random Acts of Kindness

This week has been kind of an off week for me.
But that doesn't mean nothing good was in it.
A few people I know have done some very nice things for me.
Today's post is for them.

First: Last night, I ran into a bit of trouble. I had money in my bank account, but still couldn't get cat litter and a phone card because I didn't have a ride to Walmart. I asked as many people as I could think of, but everyone was busy. (Yes, I could have ridden my bike, but how do you take a 15 pound bag of litter on a bike??)
In one last moment of desperation, I went into the library. I ran into some acquaintances, and I casually mentioned I had been on campus all day. When one of them asked why, I said because I was waiting for someone to take me to Walmart. (So I didn't have to pay the unneccessary $4 for a cab.)
A girl I hardly knew offered to drive me, and expected nothing in return. On the ride there and back, we talked, and I think we're going to end up being friends. THANK YOU, Megan! I have my phone, and my cats are happy because of you.

Megan drove me back to the school, because she had a meeting to go to. I was planning on bringing the shopping bags home by myself, but they were awkward to carry. Surprisingly enough, I ran into Kyle on the street corner. He could have spent more time hanging out with his friends having fun, but he helped me carry the bags almost a mile home. Thank you, Kyle. :)

After I put the groceries away, I was able to sit and rest for a couple hours before a sorority meeting. (Which I can't pay for, so I will probably have to quit eventually, but it's no big loss. The girls don't really seem to like me much.) That 2 hours wasn't enough for my feet to stop hurting, though. :( My bike was still at school, so I had to walk. I got about half way there, when another one of my friends offered to take me the rest of the way. I was so happy. It was only a few blocks, but I appreciated the thought. I almost fell asleep in his car. Thank you, Ben, for being awesome. ;) And for STILL letting me use your laptop.

This morning, I was talking to Brianna at breakfast, and we started planning fall break. This wasn't a random act of kindness, specifically, but I was still grateful that she decided to include me in her plans. As most of you know, I have nowhere to go on fall break, and almost all my other friends are leaving. So, thank you, Brianna, for thinking of me and making sure I have fun on fall break, just like everyone else!

Last thing. At 11 AM every Thursday, I go to eat lunch at the BCM house. I was sitting with the usual people, when Cana texted me and said she had something to give me. I just assumed I had left something in her car during Fall Focus weekend. I already had my crossword puzzle book and weekend bag...so what could I have been missing? Turns out, while I was having a miserable time at FF, thinking everyone there had forgotten I exist, she had gotten 7 people to sign a card for me! There I was, in my pity corner because I felt lonely, and all those people were thinking of me.

The company on the back of the card quoted, "Encouragement is a powerful thing."
I completely agree.

The smallest acts can save lives, or at the least, a day's sanity.

Thought Questions #2

Yesterday's TQ: "Who have you been thinking about recently?"
That question isn't being answered. I'm not embarrassing myself and jumping into another volcano of drama. No one will ever, ever know.

So I'll just talk about church again.
(Or whatever Common Ground calls itself.)

Sometimes I have these crazy emotional moments where I just want to sing as loud as my voice will let me, and I just pray & feel at peace. But shortly after, my mood has a shift. That pure happiness can only last for a couple hours at most. Then I wake up really, really depressed.

Don't get me wrong, I would never "almost die" again. But I start to wish I had never been born in the first place. That's how bad it is. Honestly, right now I feel like the entire planet would be better off without me. But I won't do anything because I know the feeling will pass.

I don't think that's how church is supposed to make you feel.
I was so confused for a long time (like years), but I think I've figured out the psychology behind my insanity.
I don't like feeling vulnerable.
I don't like hearing intense, spiritual music and realizing I can't save myself.
I base my entire life around being strong, and when I'm forced to feel weak, I can't stand myself. And then I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I still don't.
I just pray. A lot. Is that enough?

And so begins the inner turmoil, wondering if BCM events 3 times a week is good for me. Deep down, I know it is. But the emotional roller coaster is wearing me down.
Why can't I just feel (or act) happy all the time like the rest of the "church people?"

Thought Questions #1

Due to a serious case of writer's block, I've decided to let another website decide what I'm going to write about. http://www.thoughtquestions.com has questions sent to their site daily that can't be answered with a yes or a no. Until I have a creative topic, I will use them for motivation.

Today's question is: "How would you describe happiness in your own words?"

To me, happiness wasn't blowing a big check at the mall. (Yes, it was fun wearing all the new clothes afterwards, but I only impulse-shopped when I was desperately lonely.) It's not drinking until the sadness goes away, though I've done that too. I have moments in my life when I feel like I'm truly, honestly happy. Those that know me have seen that I'm quite a pessimistic individual, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy life. I love life, especially when my expectations are proven wrong.

Happiness is...
getting lost in a church song & when it's over, realizing you haven't noticed anything else happening outside of the music.

looking down at the top of the hill on your bike and letting go of the brakes, then feeling the wind on you as you fly.

panting for breath after swimming laps, but ducking under the water again because even though you're tired, the endorphins make you feel high on life.

nailing a spike/bump in volleyball, even if the game is just for fun, and everyone high-fives you and smiles.

knowing a glazed donut will make you twitch like a caffinated squirrel later, but eating it anyway because it just tastes so good.

studying for hours for a class, and getting the test back with an A, reminding you that cramming has a purpose.

running into somebody you didn't expect to see.

hearing a song that describes your feelings in words you never would have thought of.

someone telling you that you look pretty, even when you don't feel pretty.

having a closet full of clean laundry.

an aquaintance buying your dinner, no strings attached, because they also know what it's like to go without food and they want to pay it forward.

doing (and receiving) random acts of kindness.

a late-night text that says "happy dreams :)"

an unexpected phone call with good news (this will possibly be my next post!)

friends who don't leave you, even though they could find better.

pets who love you unconditionally, even when you can only feed them butter and mayonnaise at the end of the month.

struggling for years to just survive, and being able to relax because money/friends/entertainment/love/support is popping up in places you'd never, ever expect.